A couple I met recently were on the road to divorce. They seemed pretty convinced about their decision to separate. Predominantly the wife. She told me she was done with her marriage. When I asked her, what made her attend this meeting if she had already made up her mind, she said her husband wanted her to come. The husband seemed listless and low on energy. The moment he told me he wanted the marriage to work, the wife vehemently opposed. When I probed to find out the reason for the marriage to reach this level, I was told by the wife that his job was the most important thing to him and she didn’t feel loved. He was just not interested in her and kept away from her – emotionally and physically. The wife was depressed for quite a few years enduring all this but now she claimed she no longer was depressed and didn’t need him. In contrast, the husband thought she was the one who was cold and unaffectionate.
Somehow, I felt the couple dynamic was not reflected realistically. They indeed were in a horrible place with two children involved. I realized I had to work on this couple to empower both with two key understandings. First, to help them realize how they had disintegrated their marriage to this level and once the realization dawns how to learn not repeating the mistake. They both had lost their ability to be free with their own selves. They needed help at three levels – relationship with herself, relationship with himself and their dynamic. Many couples try to fix their marriages whilst struggling with themselves and their fears at the same time. Fearful people will only protect themselves which takes an awful toll on the marriage, while confident people will protect their marriage. These people have dealt with their own problems first before dealing with their marital woes.
Helping couples to see where they are going wrong is a key skill to master to help them save and protect their marriage. These skills are not natural, so they must be taught. Every couple is different and so is the solution offered to them. But the basis of any process revolves around a safe reconnection that lays the foundation for a passionate connection. Marriage is not a play of dice that you can slice – before you give up, think twice!!