Author Archives: Sagarika Shah

A marriage never grows bitter overnight. The transformation is a long-drawn process. The problem is, most of the times the couple is either oblivious or disinclined to believe there is a problem in their marriage – a problem which can lead to a separation or divorce. Smugness or denial to identify marital discord often paves way for the unwanted, the unpleasant and the unexpected. Regret unfortunately rolls in when its generally too late.

I would like to help my readers understand that its vital to learn where you stand in your marriage and get real about it. Living under an illusion of a hunky-dory marriage can be disastrous. A reality check is required to tackle not just a friction-stricken marriage but any marriage. Every relationship goes through a cycle and if you recognize where you are in this cycle, it can help you work on your marriage/relationship better.

Any intimate bond starts with attraction, a phase where a couple is drawn to each other and love being together. Resistance follows attraction. This is the stage where problems begin to surface. With resistance comes resentment. In this stage problems sometimes don’t get resolved. This is when one or both partners feel unheard and uncared for and yet remain tacit. When this continues, it breeds detachment. A partner generally detaches himself/herself to emotionally protect themselves from the distress. Detachment becomes a shield to disconnect emotionally from one’s partner. Emotional distance generates physical distance, sometimes in the form of a divorce.

Between the emotional and the physical disconnect lies the significant stage of ‘decision’. This is one of the most challenging stages. The decision to stay would mean to engage oneself back into the unpleasant and the decision to move would end the long-term suffering. But, you can reverse your path to break up if you honestly embrace the actuality of where you both are today.

Once you are mindful of the reality, it is possible to build a brand-new marriage where you and your partner can become immensely valuable to each other by keeping the true essence of what you both really are as people. You can support each other to build a rock-solid platform that can weather any ups and downs of life. Just be realistic about yourself, each other and your marriage. After all our real eyes are meant to realize the worth of our reality.

A marriage never grows bitter overnight. The transformation is a long-drawn process. The problem is, most of the times the couple is either oblivious or disinclined to believe there is a problem in their marriage – a problem which can lead to a separation or divorce. Smugness or denial to identify marital discord often paves way for the unwanted, the unpleasant and the unexpected. Regret unfortunately rolls in when its generally too late.

I would like to help my readers understand that its vital to learn where you stand in your marriage and get real about it. Living under an illusion of a hunky-dory marriage can be disastrous. A reality check is required to tackle not just a friction-stricken marriage but any marriage. Every relationship goes through a cycle and if you recognize where you are in this cycle, it can help you work on your marriage/relationship better.

Any intimate bond starts with attraction, a phase where a couple is drawn to each other and love being together. Resistance follows attraction. This is the stage where problems begin to surface. With resistance comes resentment. In this stage problems sometimes don’t get resolved. This is when one or both partners feel unheard and uncared for and yet remain tacit. When this continues, it breeds detachment. A partner generally detaches himself/herself to emotionally protect themselves from the distress. Detachment becomes a shield to disconnect emotionally from one’s partner. Emotional distance generates physical distance, sometimes in the form of a divorce.

Between the emotional and the physical disconnect lies the significant stage of ‘decision’. This is one of the most challenging stages. The decision to stay would mean to engage oneself back into the unpleasant and the decision to move would end the long-term suffering. But, you can reverse your path to break up if you honestly embrace the actuality of where you both are today.

Once you are mindful of the reality, it is possible to build a brand-new marriage where you and your partner can become immensely valuable to each other by keeping the true essence of what you both really are as people. You can support each other to build a rock-solid platform that can weather any ups and downs of life. Just be realistic about yourself, each other and your marriage. After all our real eyes are meant to realize the worth of our reality.

One day is never enough to celebrate women’s day and hence many are against the idea of celebrating it. But if we all go around celebrating the spirit of womanhood, we need to celebrate a woman’s freedom from stereotypes, expectations, idolisation and sacrifice.

Instead of celebrating a woman for her roles as a mother, wife, daughter and a sister, we need to celebrate her as an individual, a person, in isolation of relationships. Michelle Obama and Barack Obama went out for dinner when he was still the President of the United States of America. When seated, they realized Michelle Obama and the owner of the restaurant knew each other. In fact, the owner used to be madly in love with her in their teenage years. When she told the President about it, Mr Obama teasingly told his First lady that had she married him, she could have been the owner of the lovely restaurant. Michelle Obama responded with a smile saying, had she married him, he would have been the President of the United States. A woman’s confidence is supreme.

A woman is saluted for the sacrifices she makes. But why can’t she be helped to reduce those sacrifices?  Instead of justifying her necessity and ability to multi task, why can’t she be given a chance to not multi task? All the constructs aim at making her strive to balance the impossible, why can’t she be imperfect yet happy? A woman always wants to look beautiful because beauty is her first feminine appeal. Why can’t she be told that its not important to be beautiful?

Every woman carries the burden of perfection and righteousness all the time. But she has a right to be imperfect, whimsical, irresponsible, lazy, fierce, opinionated, adventurous, unpredictable, unprepared and impractical. To just be. Without a label. Without any judgmental eyes judging her through the conventional lens. When we talk about the conventional, why not encourage her to do the unconventional – to learn to change a tyre, to fix a gadget or use a drill? And men should learn what’s unconventional for them – sewing/stitching/knitting, cooking, ironing. Gender biased roles need to change. One should learn what’s important and helpful instead of segregating tasks based on gender.

Life is a celebration. Let’s not restrict it to a day or gender. Everyday should be celebrated by one and all. Happy everyday!!

Valentine’s day can be compared to a birthday – that one day in a year which makes one feel special. Debates on whether one day is enough to celebrate love or are we emulating the west since its not a part of our culture et al always come to fore. Like birthdays and anniversaries are the time to feel happy, why not the V day?  Regardless of its significance, why not revel in the joy of this special day?

Love and romance have always taken a back seat in our culture. Its perceived as time specific – a certain age to fall in love and should I say to fall out of love too? The culmination of love is usually a marriage and once married, the love and romance go out of the window. PDA is only practised for the social media. Couples either feel restricted or are not conditioned to express their love. It’s against our culture to exhibit love as a mark of respect to elders. But even in front of the children, parents refuse to show their affection to each other. One may not be too deliberate expressing one’s love like in the west, but it can certainly be articulated. If children are not exposed to love at home, how can they be expected to love freely and fully? Most adults make this mistake of controlling their emotions in their children’s presence.  Children need to learn that expression of love is something normal. When they are deprived of seeing it regularly, they end up considering it as something forbidden and secretive.

A family exuding warmth and affection has a healthy and energetic household, conducive not just to the couple’s wellness, but also to the children living there. It radiates positivity and liveliness to live well to sustain the challenges of life.

There can never be a saturation as far as professing love every day to the family members is concerned. Valentine’s day is one more day to make it extra special. Who says it should only be between a man and woman? Celebration of love needs no target audience. It’s for one and all. So, if you were without a valentine this year, next year you could make any one your valentine – a friend, child, brother, sister, cousin etc. So, don’t pine and get set to dress to the nines for the next Valentine’s…

The common myth says when something is missing in a marriage, one gets involved outside.  Does a perfect marriage with no missing ingredient exist?? When life is never perfect, how can a marriage be? Instead of looking outside, either working towards what’s missing or accepting it helps two people come closer.

Infidelity comes easy to people with a good amount of time at hand – physical and mental. When one is not engaged physically and mentally, life becomes boring. With boredom comes the need to make it interesting. While there are a million ways to make it stimulating, people many a time seek solace in an extra marital affair.

While all affairs are about novelty, the euphoria it generates is transitory. It may be about some lost feelings which are rekindled but the excitement and the attraction are temporary. Once into it, it’s like addiction. One involvement outside may lead to another. It becomes a set pattern. As the newness begins to fade, one starts exploring another one – one that would rule the feelings again, momentarily though.  Despite the experience, people refuse to realize it wouldn’t last beyond a certain span of time. And end up jeopardizing or complicating their lives for some temporary pleasure. You only live once – the most common justification. But because you only live once, you might as well live prudently. Why dig your own grave?

Singular affair with someone for long doesn’t remain the same either. Beyond a certain time, it starts functioning at a different level, especially once the physical attraction has worn off. People either remain blind to it or try to self believe everything is hunky-dory. Acceptance of the fact that things have changed becomes a struggle. Everything changes in a marriage too. Along with a legal stamp of commitment, it’s the families and the children involved which make it stronger. It’s about getting habituated to a person one is living with – despite the daily irritations and idiosyncrasies.  It’s the love and care expressed in varying degrees of intensity/subtleness by two individuals that keep it going. Growing old together apart from growing as a person is one of the best things that can happen in a marriage. Whatever may be lacking in your marriage, you can live with it or create it. I know it’s none of my affair –but stay away from an affair.  It’s not worth it.

Growth and development from Infancy to adulthood is not only tangible but very rapid, specifically in the first fifteen years.  Every month sees an upward trend in the progress pattern. While not much can be done about the stagnation of physical growth after a certain age (weight remaining the only variable), mental growth also tends to stagnate. Our own doing.

For some reason, adulthood seems to give adults the leverage to take it easy. The intensity of learning or imbibing loses its intensity. The amount of learning as a child or a teenager is much more that what we learn as adults.  We somehow lose the drive to motivate ourselves into learning more once we grow up. The cliched quotes on learning being a life long process et. al lose its appeal to some extent.  Seldom do we realize the price we pay – particularly in our relationships. So once hitched, a couple unfortunately go the same way. Any relationship at inception is on an excellent wicket but fails to remain the same as it ages. While one cannot defy the cyclical law of relationships, one can certainly continue to make it better, regardless of its age or stage.

Relationships being the biggest indicator of human happiness, can never go wrong if we remain invested in it. All it needs is some TLC. Just as one can continue to grow as an individual at every stage of life; if one decides to, one can grow in relationships too. But the sad reality is, instead of progressing, people regress. We all start behaving like children – sulk, cry, scream, shout. Its not common to see couples living peacefully together any more. A famous actress recently commented on the institution of marriage saying she’s yet to come across a happily married man. Why have people started looking down upon this institution? Why is it believed to become defunct over a period of time? The answer lies within us. We are responsible for this mislabelled sacrosanct institution.

If we decide to continue to grow and develop mentally (physically fit is a given), we will equip ourselves with the necessary skills and knowledge to live in harmony. With growth comes maturity. Maturity to behave, get along, respond, cope, adjust and adapt to the changing situations of life. Hope we all continue to grow even if we have grown up.

No human being is perfect. No relationship is perfect either. When people strive to make their relationship perfect, they end up making it even worse than what it is. Every couple has a unique equation with each other. This equation is the result of some parameters which the relationship functions on. What is important to one couple may not be so to another one. These parameters vary from person to person, couple to couple and relationship to relationship and ultimately define the relationship dynamics.

The biggest folly which most couples or rather individuals in relationships make is to compare their equation with another couple/relationship. One of the main reasons of distress. So long as those parameters continue to have a traction on their relationship to work overall smoothly, it doesn’t really matter what the other couple shares. What a couple share is something totally personal and unique. It is impossible to emulate another couple by simply observing them. What their dynamics are, can be very different from what meets the eye. Their social makeup can be very deceptive. Various social media platforms only make it worse. With no offence to social media users, I strongly believe that public exhibition of love, romance and closeness is nothing but a reflection of inner inadequacies, fears or insecurities. A false display of reality. An attempt to meet some unfulfilled needs at some subconscious level.

To stop comparing yourself or your relationship with others, you need to develop a sense of contentment. The moment you start feeling content about yourself and your partner, your relationship will transform into something very beautiful. If the basic parameters set by you and your partner are in action, you don’t need to sweat the small stuff. You may feel someone’s spouse loves him/her more than yours. You may feel someone is rewarded more materialistically than you. But those are not the gauging measures to go by. Be happy in your own space. Like there’s no limit to comparing, sky is the limit to expecting. When you stop comparing and expecting, you stop any kind of a relationship distress trigger from activating.

No matter what others think about your relationship, what’s important is how you feel about it. What you have created, and share is inimitable. Hope you feel content by the contents of this column and develop a sense of contentment.

Many people have asked me the recipe for long lasting successful relationships. There is never a specific recipe since all relationships are unique.  But a universal ingredient that tops my list of ‘can’t go wrong’ formula is the ability to make oneself valuable in a way one’s partner needs it. Generally, people assume they are doing great with their partner. Needs of each other are either overlooked or not comprehended clearly without realizing it. Thus, a relationship starts working on these assumptions, especially as it ages – breeding complacence. As a result, people’s actions completely miss what their partner need to feel happy and connected to. Communication takes a backseat.

When the needs are not effectively communicated, and actions start getting presumption based, a large gap between the two is formed.  A paradigm shift in the mindset of couples to bridge this gap is necessary. It is extremely essential to be on the same page with one’s partner. Once they get the drift of it, issues can be tackled very easily. A mindset shift requires to make a few changes in one’s thought process and behavioural patterns. Cultivating patience is the first step in that direction. Timing and patience go hand in hand. To wait patiently for the right time to respond or react allows a lot of time to understand and analyse a partner or a situation. As opposed to being impulsive, patience can be peace inducing.  It’s never easy to feel content about anything in life – not just relationships. With patience comes understanding. Patience facilities the process of understanding one’s partner.  With understanding comes the identification of their needs – battle half won.

We somehow have conditioned ourselves to constantly judge others –  our near and dear ones included. That takes away the essence of any close relationship. Instead of judging, being receptive to the needs of your partner can help get rid of any negativity. Since Judgement forms the basis of contempt and criticism it’s imperative to have an open mind. Being non-judgmental requires a ‘clean-slate’ mind, free from any preconceived notions or thoughts. Here the ability to forgive and forget works wonders. Rather than holding a grudge against your partner about anything, forgiving and forgetting always help. Don’t let your memory become a bane instead of a boon.

So, With the right ingredient mix, how about proving you are a great cook? Happy cooking!!!

Today being Uttrayan, I can’t help comparing relationships to kites. Strong and sturdy relationships like kites go a long way.  Just as a good kite can sustain a string battle, so can relationships. They are never threatened by external factors. Right dimensions make a good kite and the same applies to relationships. There’s something about kites which makes them appear free spirited, bright and happy. Relationships need to be similar – gliding happily and effortlessly.

Efforts on part of both partners keep a relationship going. But if it requires constant efforts, its not worth it. Any budding relationship goes through teething troubles. But once that is sorted, intermittent fine tuning is enough for it to function smoothly.  Continuous hard work saps the energy levels of persons involved. Any bond which is mentally draining is a sign of toxicity. Couples generally take a few years to understand each other. But thereafter, if one still must be mindful of putting in energies for its survival, it certainly is a toxic one. Relationships are never easy. The point here is, working towards it continuously will not only corrode it but also corrode the couple and their wellbeing. I am neither encouraging passivity nor inviting complacence but only driving home the fact that right efforts at the right time to make a relationship right should be the order of the day.

The essence of Uttrayan is to be altruistic. If every couple imbibes being altruistic – well, not in its literal sense, but by being overtly generous, this generosity can help them scale great heights together. By putting the partner first, one can be generous. By forgiving one’s partner one can be generous. By adjusting and compromising sometimes, one can be generous. By merely ‘letting go’ one can be generous. Pinning down one’s ego, being large hearted, accepting one’s partner as is and being empathetic are all deeds of generosity. Generosity is a subset of kindness. Being kind never hurts. Practising kindness in all walks of life can be life changing. Any relationship can blossom on the basis of kindness and generosity even with other elements missing.

I earnestly hope you make your relationship as lovely as this festival today. While you soar high with free spirit, kindness and generosity, let the bad elements exploiting your relationship go fly a kite too. Happy Makar Sankranti!!

Are you caught by the reflective bug as the year is about to end? Time to go into a contemplative mode! Normal denouement – setting up resolutions for the new year. While there’s nothing wrong with the practice, I beg to differ. First and foremost, resolutions are mostly corrective actions to set something straight. Do we really have to be dictated by a calendar year to change, fix or repair something? Time and tide wait for none. Why not align our life actions in a way that don’t need resolutions which anyway seem so dauting to follow?

We all wait for the new year to lose weight, to improve relationships, to become spiritual, philanthropic or a better person. Procrastination is the culprit. Resolution is like a chewing gum that loses its juice in no time. So, before our strong resolutions get diluted with each passing month, only to gather steam at the end of the year for the next year, immediate action helps.

What I want to emphasize is don’t wait for another moment to change what you wish to. Especially in relationships. There is always a scope for betterment. Never underestimate the power of nurturing it or delaying the process of improving it. One of the smartest things you can do is to identify that your relationship can end at any time. Adopting this perspective cultivates a gratitude that encourages an urgency to show your loved one just how much you care. To facilitate this change in perspective, ask yourself every morning: “Why do I value my spouse?” “How do I express that I care?” It can be something as small as a verbal compliment, a short note, text or an e-mail to let them now he/she’s in your thoughts or maybe setting up an impromptu dinner date for just the two of you. If you feel underappreciated, ask your partner to do the same. Don’t go a single day without asserting your value to each other in some small way, and see what results. No resolutions required. Just small steps in the right direction.

New year marks the beginning of many new things, but new beginnings don’t always have to wait for the new year. Renew your relationship dynamics to enjoy the fruits of togetherness all year round. A year may end, but the bond of togetherness is forever. Happy new year.