Author Archives: Sagarika Shah

Trouble in marital paradise when one of the partners is insecure is very common. Not only does the relationship get into trouble but so does the insecure partner. Such individuals are constantly ruminating their partner’s actions. Millions of thoughts – mostly hypothetical come to haunt them.

The wife in one of the couples I was seeing was so insecure that her insecurities reached pathological levels. She had almost stopped thinking straight. She was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She would call her husband at work multiple times to check on him. When travelling, would want a video call with him to make sure he was where she was told he was. She became clingy to the extent where she started feeling their only child was loved more by the husband than her. Her behaviour would oscillate between very sweet to very bitter and she knew it was getting the better of her. The husband was feeling stifled to no end.  At times these insecurities are understandable, never justified though –  thanks to their past experiences or partner’s disposition. But getting insecure is seldom the solution.

The toll it takes on one’s mental equilibrium can be unnerving. How can one ever be happy or make the partner happy with this state of mind? Jealousy and possessiveness are direct descendants of insecurity.  How does one stop this disturbing pattern of thoughts and resultant behaviour? A difficult circle to square, but certainly not impossible.

Idle mind is devil’s workshop. Insecurities breed in such minds. You should control your mind before the mind starts controlling you. Instead of monopolising your mind with constant negativities about a singular thing, why not feed it with positives?

Talking about your insecurities with your partner is the first step. But if your restless mind is not at peace even after communicating your fears to your partner, you need to ask yourself if the constant anxiety you are living with is worth it?  A relationship is meant to make you happy and secure. Now, if either you or your partner cannot provide that much needed security and happiness due to whatever the reasons, it’s time to change something. A change in your thinking pattern can change you and your relationship. By focussing on other aspects of life, apart from your partner and relationship, you can learn to secure your insecurities.

Parenthood for some is about following a protocol to have children within a certain time frame of marriage.  Supreme contentment follows a child’s birth. Culmination of one yet beginning of another phase.

Parenthood is all about patience. Do you have the patience to deal with your child? Do you have the ability to understand their emotions? Is their bringing up healthy? To answer these questions, you need to ask yourself a few questions. First and foremost, we owe everything to the child because we bring them into this world. There are many couples who decide not to have children. Fair enough. But for those who wish otherwise, it is your responsibility to give them a healthy and a happy life.

Losing it on a kid at the drop of a hat, whatever the reason is never the right approach. To make them emotionally and physically stable, it becomes imperative to deal with them softly – without being angry, critical, resentful or stern. Children always imbibe what they observe. Hence you need to check your behaviour. If you are on your cell phone all the time, don’t expect your children to be away from it. Again watching television and hoping they don’t follow suit is being unrealistic, especially if you want them to emulate you. Parents don’t think twice before reacting to situations. Throwing a temper tantrum, withdrawing, turning cold, sulking, wearing a long face are some very common adult behavioural patterns in quite a few households. This is mainly done to prove a point without realizing you are only proving to be a weak and an unstable person. Why would you want your children to learn such behaviour? And when they resort to the same behaviour, the child is reproached. Never have double standards. What’s not acceptable to you cannot be expected to be acceptable to them.

I see so many couples fighting in front of their kids. Do they ever realize what scars a martial turmoil can leave on such tender minds? Instead of having children just to fulfil a social obligation, please check your emotional maturity to check your ability to bring them up. If you can’t give them the best of you, parenthood is meaningless. Give meaning to your child’s life by being exemplary parents. Can I have your word on it?

It has been observed that individuals with dual personalities are more prone to relationship distress.  Such people function very differently in their inner circle of spouse, children, parents, close relatives and friends, vis a vis their outer circle. It’s as if they are two different entities in two different spaces. Partners of such people always complain that they cannot fathom such behavioural differences. They can be poles apart as far as their behaviour goes. Temper tantrums, rudeness, excessive mood swings, nagging et. al.  can come easily to people with dual traits. And because of such traits these are the people who cannot get along easily with their partner. Although they claim to love them they cannot refrain from exhibiting a negative behaviour. The very same people when dealing with others are very charming and pleasant. Some are even boastful of a fantastic relationship they enjoy with their spouse, although the reality is different. People with a tendency to seek validation about everything they say or do from the outside world are normally predisposed to such dualities.

So many people complain that it’s almost impossible for their extended families or friends to believe they have relationship issues. Many people create such a façade of their marriage that the outsiders can never sense anything wrong. The point here is not about how well you can hide your differences behind a façade – that’s for the world to see and believe. It’s more about fooling yourself. Are you living in your marriage/relationship for yourself or others? At the end of the day what really counts is the happiness and contentment you give yourself and each other. Only if you are happy will you be able to make your partner happy. Nobody is ever hurt from being nice to others. But it should start from home.

It’s never too late to consciously curtail dual behaviour. Any form of behaviour affects one’s relationships, especially intimate ones, hence its very essential to behave well. Positive verbal communication and interaction help.  One is not expected to be impeccable or right all the time, but never hostile. Behaviour and feelings are correlated. You feel good when you behave good. Oscar Wilde very rightly said, “some people cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.” You want to be the former and certainly not the latter, right – especially for your loved ones?

There’s something about Diwali!! So vibrant and colourful. The brightness it brings along illuminates everyone and everything. The time of the year to clean up and declutter.  While we go out of our way to clean up our homes and offices weeks before Diwali, do we ever do anything to clean up our minds or rather declutter our minds? Diwali teaches us to let go –  to let go of all the negativity, only to engulf ourselves in all the positivity, improving our relationships and life in general.

If we consciously focus on a few things which we should never hold on to, our mind will become much less complex and easier to deal with. First and foremost, we should all give up the need to control others. It never helps beyond self-gratification. Grudges should be completely abandoned. It only creates negativity in us. Feelings of jealousy manifests in all kinds of negative behaviour affecting us and our closed ones. There should be no room for jealously. Someone will always be better than us. Feeding jealousy is like adding fuel to the fire. Feeling sorry for ourselves is a futile exercise. No self-sympathy can change any challenging situation. Instead facing it boldly can be a game changer. Again, blaming others for our mistakes is a sign of weakness. People who have no self-confidence and low self-esteem will play the blame game. Over analysing situations can wreak havoc in an otherwise sound mind. Certain things should only be taken at face value. Delving deep into something unnecessarily can spoil the situation further.  We should always let go of friends who aren’t there for us. Period. No justification required. We should never be afraid to be our self. Diluting the inherent us and our basic traits can be mentally exhausting. Never compromise on being who you really are unless you are changing yourself for the better. Worrying about what others think can be depleting in terms of time and energy. It can breed constant negativity and unpleasantness in and around us. Fear of failure should never rule us. It’s always prudent to do our task without thinking about the fruits it yields. Last but not the least – never hesitate to indulge. We all have a right to guilt free indulges occasionally.

Letting go will lead to a lighter and brighter you. Happy Diwali!!

Common problems plaguing relationships of today are affairs, power struggles, lack of communication and loss of love. As much as it is very difficult to understand how these problems get generated, one thing is very clear that couples create their own path to crisis.

And when that happens, couples stop being themselves when with their partner. Ironically, they feel good outside their relationship – when at work or with their friends or children, but not so around their partner. This leads to a lot of unpleasant and uncomfortable interacting patterns. A major reason why this happens is because they create a wall of protection – mainly to save themselves from the stress and tension the relationship generates. Communication is the first thing which is hampered by the shield created. While some do this consciously, others do it unconsciously. It’s impossible to love someone and at the same time try to protect oneself from that someone. It’s like wanting to have the cake and eat it too. Eventually love takes a back seat. Soon the protecting practice is mirrored by the partner one is protecting oneself from. This results in total disconnect. If not addressed, the wedge between the couple increases and only becomes difficult to bridge with time.

So effectively` what happens is that when partners are together they disconnect themselves from each other and when not, they reconnect with themselves. Affairs, many times are a result of this practice. People tend to reconnect with many parts of themselves which they lost or never knew existed, thanks to an affair. The real problem here is nether the relationship one is in or one’s partner. The problem lies in not being oneself.  Individuals struggling to be themselves when with one’s partner is the biggest sign of a relationship malfunction. People seldom realize this and go through a lot of pain and suffering which come from not being able to be free to be themselves in a relationship.

Instead of being someone you inherently are not, you need to focus on what has disabled you from being yourself with your partner. The reasons can be galore. But once understood, they can help safe guard a relationship from any distress rather than safe guarding yourself. Otherwise, how can you solve a problem when you don’t really know what the problem is?

All relationships go through a cycle of peak, plateau and downhill. Specifically, marriages. After the initial euphoria, excitement and enamour start evaporating, people get disillusioned by either the marriage or the relationship they are in. Creating successful marriages is a skill based activity. Once the initial chemistry and the resultant powerful attraction wears off, couples need to create that chemistry again – through their behaviours. Since most people are clueless about how to go about it, their relationships suffer. All marriages need a huge amount of investment and hard work to make it work. If that sounds too tedious, here are a few tried and tested ‘quick fix’ solutions to revamp your relationship overnight. These are not ‘one size fits all’ methods but depending on the nature of your relationship, you can pick the ones applicable to you. And the best part about these remedies is you don’t need any co-operation from your partner.
Touch is very important. Simply holding hands can help your relationship become warm, comfortable and positive.
Never jump to conclusions. Some people have this tendency of presuming things which are not logical. They cannot differentiate between ‘one off’ and something recurrent. For example, if their phone call is not returned, they start presuming that their partner is losing interest in him/her. He/she is having an affair. Such people immediately start attributing such standalone events to permanent generalised thoughts. Before drawing conclusions, always try to place the blame elsewhere and not on your partner.
Always view a fight as a third person. Instead of taking a stand for yourself or your partner, if you view your fight neutrally, you are bound to be more objective about the entire issue. This will give you the right perspective on how to go about resolving it.
Gratefulness always pays. Listing down the things you are grateful for either about your relationship or your partner, generates a lot of positive feelings. Gratitude is the word to keep the love intact.
Celebrate some achievements. When your partner shares some small achievement about something at work or elsewhere, show all your interest and excitement to find out more. Being enthusiastic about your partner’s smallest of victories helps in the partner getting a lot more pleasure in sharing again in the future. This will help you come closer to each other.
These are time tested techniques which can help you develop the required skill set to quick fix your relationship. And we need these since feviquick or fevibond can’t serve the purpose.

A general observation on individuals who show streaks or scads of possessiveness reflect their state of minds. These are normally the people who have no confidence in themselves and hence need to hold on to their partners. Possessiveness is never a standalone trait. It comes with its baggage of jealousy, suspiciousness and a lot more.

When one of the partners is possessive, the relationship can become extremely stifling. But seldom do such individuals realize that they are spelling doom for their relationship. They think it’s a form of their love – totally a false perception. Partners of such people get fed up being constantly under the surveillance. Possessiveness often manifests in taunts and barbs about any action or behaviour on the part of their partner which is different from the usual. Little do they know that it’s a relationship killer. One can never keep a person bound in any way.

And as per the statistics of people indulging in extra marital romps, individuals with possessive partners are more likely to stray. This is an irony because the same individuals are under scrutiny all the time and despite that, they manage to indulge in affairs. Apparently, getting involved outside their marriage is basically to find a release for their pent up and repressed feelings. Instead of getting into affairs, why can’t people check their partner’s behaviour that’s becoming nerve wracking and stifling beyond the pale? Staying in a relationship which is suffocating can be bad not just for one but both. This needs to be communicated strongly.

I was seeing a couple where the husband was so possessive that his possessiveness had reached pathological levels. He would watch every move of his wife and wouldn’t leave her alone most of the times. Its was so severe that he himself started experiencing the stress, he was subjecting his wife to, thanks to all his energy depleting only from all his efforts towards focussing only on her. There can be a lot of underlying issues here which lead to these kinds of negative traits. But people need to realize that being possessive or jealous never ever helps. On the contrary it puts off one’s partner to such an extent that either the relationship gets embroiled with conflicts and distress or it may simply become dead. Human beings always get immune to any kind of repetitive behavioural pattern –  possessive or otherwise. Possess some mental strength to let go of your possessiveness or you will be possessed!!

According to the latest research news, scientists are in the process of developing a ‘love pill’. This magical pill can help you fall in or out of love. It is believed to help one deal with a heartbreak. It will produce effects similar to the chemical reactions which take place in the brain when in love and works accordingly.

Exciting? Falling and being in love is one of the most beautiful feelings in the world. Not everyone falls in love all the time and so the very prospect of falling in love can be so exhilarating. Needless to say, it sounds so alluring that the newly developed drug would be hailed with open arms.

Looking at a larger picture, do you really think this would work? I am not questioning the functionality of the afore mentioned drug. What I am coming to is, can such induced love last? The closest analogy I can think of is induced sleep. We may get excellent sleep after popping a sleeping pill. But can such sleep last beyond a few hours? This kind of sleep can’t be compared with sound natural sleep. When struggling with sleep, one needs to pop a pill every night to get good sleep. Its effects are very temporary and can be habit forming, apart from the other side effects it carries.  If taken regularly, one may become so dependent that may never be able to sleep without it. Similarly, I do not know the composition of this new love pill on the anvil, but am very much against anything which is challenged by nature.

Falling in love is something so surreal, so beautiful. It happens naturally with someone you share a wonderful chemistry with. But with a love pill, you can control falling in love. It would be something deliberate. Almost a forced decision to act in a certain way. Forced feelings – defying one’s natural instincts.

Again, it is also supposed to mend a heartbreak. Now, as much as falling in love is beautiful, so is nursing a broken heart. The healing takes time, but during this time, one grows as a person. It involves rumination which leads to a lot of self-discovery. An enriching experience always taken otherwise. Some time on your own, without the presence of someone else is extremely liberating and conducive to one’s mental growth and health. It benefits the future relationships too. You come out a different person when healed.

Pop a pill when you fall ill. But to pop a pill to mend your ‘dil’ would certainly be a kill.

I get intrigued on so many counts by couples in distress. Whatever the reasons for their differences, so many times I have seen one partner fearing the other. I wonder, how can a relationship succeed or survive if one fears one’s partner or spouse?  A big indicator of something terribly amiss – either within the person scared or the relationship. One cannot control one’s partner, who knowingly or unknowingly may be wielding the sword of control, but can certainly have a grip on one’s self.

First and foremost, one needs to find out the reasons for this fear. Is the partner dominating? If yes, why is that permitted? Dominance can be exercised from both ends. If not from one side, why from the other? At times, it is out of insecurities. Threatened relationship, inadequacies, lack of self-esteem and many more can feed such insecurities. Also, one may inherently be mild, in terms of dealing with people or situations due to childhood and growing up experiences. Circumstantial factors too contribute towards instilling fear. Whatever the reasons, no relationship is worth the fear.

What one allows, continues. One must develop the mental strength to cope with any eventualities in life. Marriage is a lifelong bond. Why live with constant fear?

The wife in a couple I was seeing was always unreasonable. She wanted to have her way and say in everything, no matter what. She was a ‘stay at home’ mom. Her husband a working professional always gave in to maintain peace. What started off as a peace maintaining mechanism snowballed into the husband becoming more and more subservient at home. He started fearing her about everything – her taunts, wearing a long face when he returned from work or he feared the worst – frustration being taken out on their daughter. Took him a long time to realize that he was putting up with things he didn’t agree with principally or otherwise. When the pot of tolerance starts brimming, it finally spills. One morning the wife threatened to leave. The husband very calmly asked her to go. The wife was shocked. She never expected such a response from him. Since it was just a threat, she didn’t leave. But since that day, she started curtailing her unreasonable behaviour.

Never fear your partner. But if you feel the fear is creeping in, do some plain talking about what would be acceptable and what won’t be – with yourself and your partner, right from the beginning. There should be no place for fear or it can cast a shadow of irreparable damage on your relationship. Scary?

In my experience as a relationship therapist, I have come across some repetitive behavioural patterns that lead to distress in relationships, particularly marriages. A quick look at them would help my readers to be vigilant about not repeating these in their relationships.

I will start with the ‘partner first’ approach. Many times, unknowingly, you may not take your partner for granted but give him/her the 2^nd, 3^rd or 4^th place instead of the much deserved 1^st. This can become a problem. You may be giving priority to anybody/thing but your partner – may be to yourself, your passions or interests like a sport or hobby, extreme attachment with your parents or even friends for that matter, over your spouse. If the priorities are not right, there is no point in being in a relationship. Might as well enjoy the rest. Why get hitched?

Secondly, don’t wait to repair your relationship. A stitch in time saves nine. Conflicts are inevitable. The mistake most couples make it to adopt either a very aggressive or passive approach when it comes to resolving conflicts. This would not only breed resentment and contempt but increase the distance between a couple.  Conflict should be dealt in a way which increases the closeness. How can one increase the closeness especially after a conflict? Surprisingly, this would be the easiest way to grow close to your partner.  Dealing with a conflict with maturity and moderation by being mindful of the situation   is the key here. Instead of approaching it with extremes, discussing the differences calmly yet openly can always help.

It is very important to know who you are. Most couples in relationships have forgotten themselves by either becoming what their partner wants them to become or losing their individuality by continuously pleasing the partner. By not being yourself or by not being true to yourself, you are not being true to your relationship. When you start being yourself, you shed that extra weight of being someone else. See your relationship bloom when you fill it with your own of essence of who you really are.

Understanding your roles as a couple also helps a great deal. Most couples struggle to figure this. Men and women are wired differently. So their roles would also differ. For example women are designed to be more emotional in terms of expressing their needs. If men don’t realize that, there would be a disconnect. Similarly, men are designed to deal with their issues differently. Women need to learn how to communicate at such times. Seeing husbands withdraw get wives’ minds running wild. Onset   of a transactional relationship – “if he/she did or not did this, I will/won’t either.” So, if one knows the differences in the way men and women operate, the roles can be defined better and lead to a wonderful relationship.

Like all individuals, all couples are unique. They are driven very differently and function as per their own value system and childhood experiences. Hence becomes imperative to factor in these factors. Never underestimate its importance –  whether in math or marriage.