Author Archives: Sagarika Shah

My very recent talk at Ahmedabad Management Association ended with a flurry of questions from the audience. A regular given, but this time around I found a couple of questions rather puzzling. One of the questions from a gentleman almost tickled my funny bone. He wanted me to tell him what kind of a life partner he should seek. Or if I reproduce his question verbatim, he wanted to know “what kind of an ideal girl should he ‘select’ to get married?” I was expected to answer his question after knowing him for less than a minute, apart from him being a part of the audience.

When advised to see me in a one to one counselling session to understand him and his partner requirements better, he was insistent on an immediate response. I was quite bemused by the fact that had I given him a lowdown on some general key elements essential in a relationship, he would have gone looking for a girl matching those elements, maybe with a torch in his hands, without realizing the compatibility implications.

With due respect to him and his thoughts, his question here is very easy, but the answer is certainly not! There are certain basic factors that should be a part of each relationship. These would  encompass honesty, trust, love et al. But at a micro level, it would be very person specific and depend on what kind of a person one is.

I always maintain opposites attract, only to repel later. It’s very important to find someone who is on the same page with a lot of things if not everything. The core values should always match. Values related to parenting, finances, emotions, sex, religion, morals, ethics – to name a few.  A disconnect in any of these can be a red flag for a relationship.

Marriage or for that matter any intimate relationship is never a bed of roses. Once the initial euphoria dies down and with demystification slowly rising on the horizon, it becomes very imperative to have a partner whom one can relate to. Major as well as minor irritants can snow ball into big scuffles. When familiarity breeds contempt, a right partner can help deal with it. Hence coming back to my original take, one needs to know oneself to know one’s prospective match better. Expectations, without the ability to deliver the same can spell trouble. Many people get disillusioned by their marriage mainly due to their unawareness about themselves which in turn hampers the process of getting hitched or involved with the right person.

So, before dreaming of an ideal marriage with an equally ideal life partner, one needs to do some self-introspection and discover what lies within, to be able to tap the right qualities in one’s partner. After all, you want to seek the right life partner the right way. Right or wrong?

Have you ever felt that you shouldn’t have said what you did to your partner in more than one situation? How do you undo something already done? And you wish you hadn’t said it because it ended up pushing him/her away. Words and action have equal power to either pull a partner close or drive him or her away.

Normally all relationships start out great, but fade later with the partner only being half there. They lose interest – forget to call, text etc. Affection and attention become rare. It turns a dream into a nightmare.

Turning things around require fixing a few behavioural patterns. Given today’s modern times, it is very common for people to chase their love. But chasing brings along over functioning, over giving and over nurturing. The person in target takes the centre stage in one’s life. This is the worst mistake that most people make. They cannot see anything beyond them. While the relationship and this person should be the priority, it shouldn’t take a toll on other areas of one’s life. It should rub on to other areas of one’s life beautifully and positively. But the obsession of focussing singularly on this person can make a relationship stifling. Most people take an imaginary relationship as a real one. The one in which they feel they are already there even before getting an indication from the other person that he/she is on the same level on the relationship timeline. The entire relationship is based on false presumptions. The truth is, no amount of presumption or assumption can work. It only results in turning someone away.

One of the factors responsible here is one’s feelings. When they get out of hand and cannot be controlled. The important thing here is to know the difference between what one feels and what one does.  It is not always possible to control one’s feelings. Feelings are the compass to one’s relationships. Feelings trigger emotions. It is very necessary to convey what one feels.  Problem sets in not when expressing one’s feelings or emotions, but expecting him/her to reciprocate the same feelings. This expectation can drive a person away. Since it results in pressure not love.

Showing continual interest in someone is a great way to exhibit one’s seriousness, especially when one is not on the same page with one’s partner and when the partner’s interest seems to be dwindling.  One can be proactive in giving undivided attention to revive his/her interest or to getting them commit, but beyond that if it doesn’t work, it certainly is not worth it. But before giving up completely the only thing to do is to step back. After doing what one had to, it is time to retract since it’s not fetching the right outcome. This is hard to practise but it works. Once done, one will feel much stronger.  No matter how hard the desperation, stop doing all the giving. The texts, emails, reaching out and your time. Once you do this without making any excuses or playing games, the message is conveyed. Stop initiating contact.  This will give the person some time to reflect upon oneself and the relationship – current or probable. The right person will definitely come back – with a clearer mind this time.

With my background in Psychology, I strongly feel that each one of us needs to go through a few lessons in Psychology in our growing up years for it would help us understand ourselves and others a tad better.  I am going to attempt to unravel the mystique of ” emotional stability” from a layperson’s point of view.

For a parent, it is very difficult to fathom how a simple calculation like why 3+4 = 7 is not understood by the child, why cannot the child learn to ride a bicycle, why cannot the child draw a circle? As parents, we are filled with more whys than wows at the beginning. But do we give up? A simple resounding answer would be NO. Do we feel frustrated, emotionally drained and physically fatigued? This time the resounding answer would be a big YES. But do we as parents ever give up??? Never!!! Because in our heart of hearts we know that we need to be emotionally stronger than our children. So, every time our child fails, our encouragement only increases. We pick up our child, wipe the tears, give a tight hug and start the process all over again. Not all parents do that and some let the frustration show and it only confuses the child. The outcome – the child grows up to be weak, fragile and mentally unstable.

As a child grows a little older, we begin to lose patience. The demons in our minds take over and we begin to believe that if we continue to shower the same love, affection and encouragement as before, we would end up being “over protective”. This distorted thinking takes a toll when the child grows up.

The situation takes a different turn altogether when our children – now adults start cohabiting with their spouse/partner. Two different but independent mind sets start interacting. Most of the relationships fail today because we as individuals do not have the same amount of time, energy and patience to deal with the emotional world of our partner. Because our formative years are different. “Why is he/ she so lazy? Why cannot he/ she think clearly, plan better, dress better, eat well?” The result is a failed relationship.

What is Emotional Stability? What is its role? Why so much noise around it these days? Why aren’t partners emotionally compatible?

Emotional stability is nothing but the awareness of one’s own mindset and the resultant mental wellbeing. It is the knowledge that a toddler/ young child/ adolescent/adult with some understanding and support can and will achieve a balanced state of emotional stability that matches ours or if it doesn’t, at least will be on the same page.

In Mahabharata, Krishna had promised parents of Shisupala that he would pardon Shisupala’s 100 mistakes. That’s exactly how adults in today’s world view each other and their relationships. Each one of us is a Shisupala and a Krishna. As humans, we are prone to making mistakes and as egoists always ready to strike the deathly blow. Emotional Stability means to always know and understand that anything and everything can be won with love, patience and support. There is no finite number of times you should try. Thomas Edison tried 1000 times and continued his quest till he discovered tungsten. What if he had given up after 100, 500, 1000? If the objective and the purpose are clear, the length of the path and the terrain should never become an issue. Giving up a relationship is easy. But continuing despite the odds is something which would not only make it challenging but also worthwhile in the long run. Emotional Stability is nothing  but  finding an Edison within us.

An escalating trend in couple distress these days is jealousy. “He who is not jealous is not in love” seems to be followed to the ‘T’ with either/both spouse getting terribly jealous, possessive and insecure. Jealousy is predominantly about lacking something that the other has. But then, wouldn’t there be million things in this world which would be more in many others than us? Someone with a better face, hair, looks, figure/physique, educational qualifications, professional achievements, finances et al. The list can be boundless. So, does it mean we become jealous of anybody and everybody who is better off than us in one way or the other? Just imagine how much mental turmoil the mind would be subjected to.

The root of jealousy is comparison. The moment we start comparing ourselves with others, the problem sets it. The ground rule to observe would be to realize we are all individuals and unique. No two individuals should ever be compared since they are unparalleled.  Every individual comes with a distinct set of qualities, characteristics and traits that set them apart.

Jealousy between partners, married or otherwise can be extremely detrimental to the relationship. Jealousy leads to low self-esteem, inadequacy in oneself, lack of trust and confidence in the partner. It can be pathologically dangerous. Once the mind gets attuned to getting into the comparison mode, retracting it becomes tedious – given a person’s predisposition towards it.

When does a partner feel jealous? Normally when some other person is perceived as better. Sometimes one’s partner cannot help praising this ‘perceived better person’. An instant jealousy generator. The most distorted logic in our relationships centres around the fact that just because one is married to someone (or even in a steady relationship), one loses the right to praise someone else. By withholding one’s real feelings, one is not only cheating one’s partner but also one’s self. The irony is all couples want their relationship to be open, honest and transparent. But at the same time, they do not have the nerves to accept or appreciate anyone/anything better in the bargain.

People with jealous tendencies have a lot of inferiority complex and hence they easily end up disturbing their own apple cart. Their jealousy is revealed through immature, sarcastic barbs and behaviour. And the worst part is it’s very difficult for such people to realize they are resorting to such tendencies. They feel justified in doing what they do. They believe they are safeguarding their relationship. Hog washed thinking. Instead of fostering such traits, the best thing would be to work on oneself by increasing the self-confidence. Confident people are never jealous or inadequate – be it in their personal or professional relationships. It can be developed by tapping the potential every individual has and honing some dormant skills in the process. This would boost their confidence big time. After all, jealousy is lack of confidence, not in others but in ourselves.

Not getting jealous is the biggest mark of respect you can pay to your spouse and yourself. The need of the hour is to realize that you don’t have to be jealous to prove your love. Proving you are not the ‘jealous type’ is far more beneficial. And some people have really conquered and gotten over this trait beautifully. Jealous????

A recent dinner at a restaurant made me rethink about the dynamics of relationships. A table across us saw two couples – one after the other, in stark difference from each other. The first couple in their thirties, looked married and bored with each other. The husband was constantly playing a game on his cell phone while the wife wore a glum look on her face, while waiting for their food. When their meal came, they ate without much dialogue and left.

The same table was occupied by another young couple. The guy and the girl looked head over heels in love with each other. They couldn’t take their eyes off each other and held hands from time to time till their order was served. They seemed to be courting each other or may be were just newly married.

Why does the equation change once married? All relationships go through a stipulated pattern of peak and plateau, while some go downhill. It’s very natural for the initial euphoria and excitement to die down. But can’t these be replaced by some other aspects stimulating enough to keep the relationship going?  Normally once married, complacency sets in and hence one starts taking the partner for granted. A legal stamp of matrimony brings a sense of ownership which is associated with feeling empowered about the spouse as if he/she is one’s property.  Encroachment in any form is dealt with control, domination, sulking et al. Going by the same rulebook to keep the relationship smooth with a motive of matrimony in mind when courting, why can’t the changing times of today be taken as a benchmark to ‘behave’ similarly in one’s marriage? Just because married, why put all the niceties on the backburner?

Marriages have become very fragile. This sacrosanct union so unpredictable. There is this lingering bond of uncertainty which can break any time in today’s times. I am not saying  one should live with constant insecurities but should remember this bitter fact and act prudently. Why tread the path indifferently or recklessly to regret later? Just being basically nice and happy with each other does the trick.

Along with niceness, one needs to keep the  relationship stimulating – emotionally and physically, since the two are correlated. This is probable when one gives  as much space as possible to one’s partner and respect their individuality. Most partners forget that they and their spouse are individuals first and then a couple. The moment they lose their individuality and become ‘merged’, the problems start.

Along with space comes freedom. And this is very easy to grant since it always results in greater responsibility. If a partner trusts his/her partner completely, there is generally no scope for either to disappoint the other because the freedom is appreciated and valued. Constant nagging in the form of getting possessive, suspicious and interrogative is never healthy. It is indicative of disrespecting the partner’s space and individuality. The best analogy I can think of here is of a rubber band, the harder you pull, the more the tension, reaching a point where it may snap, if not released at the right time. The same applies to relationships. A partner may put up with all the stress but nobody can take it beyond the pale. By being mindful of these few issues, a relationship can have a smooth sailing.

Give some space to create the right space between the two of you.

Bad patches in good relationships or bad relationships altogether are a universal given and at some point, everyone goes through it. While there are some who sail through the rough beautifully, there are some who choose to cling on to the bad and keep talking about it, whipping themselves up to a point of distorting their thinking. They perpetually are anxiety prone and consumed with fear, anger, negativity – whether in a new or the same relationship, they are constantly worried that the unpleasantness of the past might strike again. So when something or someone good enters their life, they neither value it nor respect it. They fail to trust the good, ‘too good to be true’ kind of a syndrome and keep fearing the worst. This is the biggest deal breaker. Why should someone so good pay the price of what someone did in the last relationship? Again, within the same relationship, why can’t one forget and forgive the past or the partner? The past erodes the good and the positive of the present. Wrong relationship with the wrong person cannot be equated with the right relationship with the right person.  This would come in the way to love someone wholly and deeply and to trust someone totally. ‘No regrets, only lessons learnt’ should be the mantra. Just because one relationship went askew doesn’t mean the next will follow suit.

Resilience is the key here. If one develops enough resilience to let go, the weight of the past will suddenly be lifted, only to feel lighter and better. Another key element is gratitude. If one is grateful for all the good things, the partner and the relationship bring, it’s easier to get rid of all the extra baggage attached to the bitterness in the current or past relationship. Appreciating the present also goes a long way in bringing harmony. All these three elements require overshadowing negativity with as much positivity as possible. This enables one to start life on a clean slate, afresh and abound with hope and happiness. When an otherwise good relationship goes through turbulent times, regardless of who is at fault, the couple should bury the hatchet at the earliest. Looking at the larger picture and counting one’s blessings always help. Instead of dwelling on what went wrong, thinking what is right that’s keeping them together works better.

A case study on couples who kept focussing on the negatives and those who refused to give up on their past vis a vis, those who preferred to see the brighter side proved that the latter had an easy go at resolving their differences. The contentment in their relationship was much higher as opposed to those who only saw the darker side.  How a person fairs in life, personally and professionally also has a lot to do with their relationship approach. Interpersonal skills to deal with people other than one’s partner can be a major indicator of one’s relationship outlook. Also when a person gets along beautifully at work and does well professionally, its thanks to their overall attitude towards life in general. Positivity breeds positive emotions and negativity on the other hand yields destructive manifestations. Let go of your past, fast and focus on the present – the best present you can give yourself and your relationship.

The D word in a marriage is always synonymous with depression, stress, coping etc. A phenomenon perceived as one of the most traumatic experiences of one’s life, may not be so disturbing once the dust settles. Nobody enters a marriage, thinking they would end up with a breakup. The person one dreams of spending the rest of one’s life with, is no longer going to stay together. The vacuum it creates may trigger feelings of worthlessness, frustration, financial crunch and so much more. The pain because of an impending or post-divorce can be deep, leaving one feel devastated and shattered. While this holds true for most of the divorces, there are ‘good’ divorces’ too. It may sound paradoxical, but with changing times, divorce trends are changing too.

It is not etched in stone that the process of divorce must be distressing. It can be a pleasant experience if one consciously decides to tread that path with an open mind and heart. But thanks to the wrongly conditioned mindsets of people, this practice is not very prevalent. People lack the basic ability to objectively look at their relationships.  The reality check on their marriage – the acceptance that something is wrong beyond repair and that divorce is the only way forward is seldom realized. More out of a deliberate attempt to deny the truth. When couples accept the state of their marriage, it becomes easier to deal with the inevitable.

If the process of a legal breakup starts on a negative wicket, what follows will only get more bitter. It is not about two individuals uncoupling, it’s also about the other family members involved and affected. This warrants the need for a pleasant and friendly split. Also with child/children custody battles and alimony/maintenance issues encompassing the enmeshed relationship, it is very important to part ways in a way that can resolve sensitive issues amicably.  Just because one couldn’t get along with one’s partner, doesn’t make him/her a bad individual or a human being and certainly not one’s enemy. It’s all about not wasting one’s precious life in an unhappy relationship. Psychology proves that no matter what, if one doesn’t feed the feelings of resentment and contempt generated from a relationship gone sour, negative feelings are never multiplied. The psychological barrier of hatred and blame is thus unshackled.

Lessons in divorce, rather a ‘good’ divorce can be plenty. One just needs to focus on the brighter side. So many of my clients have been able to find themselves, realized their strengths and potential and discovered the joy of peace and freedom. If it can’t be a ‘win-win’ situation, it can at least be – ‘you gain some, you lose some.’ If couples resolve to work through it together, it can culminate into a beautiful new found equation.  As someone very rightly said, “resolve and thou art free”.

Last but not the least, forgiveness is always a choice. The choice to forgive yourself or your partner. If one leaves one’s wounded or fragile ego, hurt and pride aside, the other side of forgiveness can be immensely blissful and liberating. And it’s not about the other person. It’s about you washing away the remnants of the past. For divorce, may be the end, but also a new beginning and you don’t want to keep living in the past.

Why is it that despite being in a committed relationship or married, one is not satisfied with the partner for either want of more love and affection or for more attention? After all, this was the same relationship that gave one everything to feel happy once upon a time.  One may get extravagant and end up shopping. The shopped stuff may remain unopened in the bag for days together, without even giving it one glance after purchasing it. Similarly, one may land up a dream job. But on getting it, the feelings may change. One may question the decision to take it up – if it was something that one really wanted in the long term?  Why do these nagging thoughts keep haunting the mind?

In the process of seeking happiness, one ends up changing one’s external factors – the partner, things or jobs, thinking that’s where one’s ultimate happiness resides. Which of course is not true. The first and foremost thing one needs to do to fill the emptiness within is to change the way one feels about everything. And that starts by loving one’s self. When one loves oneself, inner peace and happiness can be in harmony with the outside world and it does not become a medium to receive the sought contentment through it. Loving oneself also includes living a life that speaks volumes of who one really is without proving anything to anyone.

Learning to love oneself is powerful yet people end up loving themselves the wrong way. There are some misguided approaches people pursue to feel happy about themselves and their life. These don’t work since it’s not something intrinsic. In terms of relationships, one keeps searching for that perfect partner. Relying on another person to make one feel happy is a non-starter. If one doesn’t love oneself, one won’t be able to feel loved by anyone else. No amount of showered love would be enough to feel whole and healed at times. Another fallacy lies in resorting to pleasing behaviour to seek approval from others. That may make one feel drained. People often say ‘yes’ when they mean ‘no’ only to create mental turmoil, since that’s not what they are at the core. Again, thinking that spending money on oneself to quick fix a mood disorder, can only lead to momentary gratification. A dream job with all its prerequisites can feel futile if one is not able to do justice to it by putting one’s passion and hard work into it. And both these come from within. Can never be forced upon.

Loving oneself doesn’t require as much effort as it takes to make someone else love you. All you need to do is to not hide your true self from others, particularly close loved ones. This would drastically improve your relationships. It will also make you feel confident and at peace with who you are as a person. Doesn’t mean you should either put up with or showcase negative behavioural traits or qualities and expect it to be accepted. Loving yourself can be the most transformative thing you can do to improve your life – a process which must start from deep within and not superficially. If you continue to depend on other person/thing to make you feel accepted and happy, no matter what you do will never feel enough. Love yourself to be loved.

Emphasizing the benefits of laugher last week has helped me realize one more thing – many people are struggling to even smile these days. People always look beautiful when they smile. Then why is it very easy for some to smile while very difficult for others? For a lay person, the analysis would be simple – one would smile when happy and wouldn’t when not. Are feelings and smile correlated? Do people always smile only when happy? I don’t think so. There are people who smile regardless of what their state of mind is. Is it really a difficult proposition to smile? Smiling when happy is a given – a universal given. But to smile when things are not perfect is something commendable.

The art lies in smiling despite all the odds. Let’s not even consider the odds. Nobody has his/her happiness index at the peak all the time. Monotony marks the lives of one and all. The beauty lies in smiling through the mundane, the monotonous. Waiting for the right or happy circumstances for the lips to curve rightly is not fair. Smile as we all know doesn’t cost a thing. So, why then this stinginess?

I am always enamoured by people who can smile through anything and everything. People who smile are much more positive in life as opposed to the ones who hardly smile. Such people can handle any adversity. Even between couples, I have seen, for so many partners smiling is a challenge. They constantly wear a sullen look on their face as if carrying the burden of the world. One of the partners showcasing remorse or resentment by being grave all the time is very common. They get so used to this pattern of behaviour that it becomes very difficult for them to get out of this annoying habit of either being grumpy or sad. They only radiate negativity. The value of smile should never be underestimated, especially in relationships. The pleasantness it generates is second to none.

A sweet simple smile can change the environment at home. Whether a couple is living on their own, or with family, a smile can transform the atmosphere and manifest pleasant feelings in all the members of the family. The most effective nonverbal mode of communication. Whatever the reason/s for distress, a smile is not only a message for others but for one’s own self. A smiling person always feels happier than the non-smiling one. People wearing long faces seldom realize that in the process of wanting to let the other person feel responsible for their grouchiness, they end up feeling miserable themselves. It can take a terrible toll on their mental wellbeing.

It has been proved that despite not feeling happy if one looks in the mirror and smiles for a few seconds, one immediately starts feeling better. An induced smile is better than no smile at all. Stanley Gordon West very rightly said, “Smile and the world will smile with you”.

Smile is like a universal elixir. Use it to see how it can transform yourself, your world and your relationships.

All relationships start with two people attracting each other emotionally, physically and intellectually, in a way that make them irresistible with each other. Both caught up in the spell and desire of wanting to be together. There’s a lot of excitement and romance but suddenly there’s a shift and one of the partners pulls back. The person at the receiving end starts blaming himself/herself for the withdrawal and starts feeling that one is not loved or liked any more. Various thoughts start haunting the mind.

Wouldn’t it be nice to understand the reasons behind the withdrawal and see if the situation can be reversed? When two people get close in a relationship, they both love the feeling and want more of it. Ironically it is in this same closeness that sometimes either or both need some individual space. This is how most couples function emotionally. Such space gives them an opportunity to recover. It’s very natural for couples to grow distant occasionally. What matters here is not the pulling away but how one handles the situation when that happens. The bottom line being one can’t control the withdrawal but can certainly control one’s reaction to it.

This kind of a situation requires some prudence on part of the person affected by the distant behaviour. One should never get into an immediate quick fix mode. As much as it may seem like a sensible, proactive thing to do, it can lead to create more distance. The ideal thing would be to step back and relax. Give it some time and let it take its own course to get back to normal.  There’s a time for everything but this is not the right time to over share one’s feelings. Unrealistic expectations always add fuel to the fire. Expectations about how a partner should behave vis a vis how he/she does particularly at such times may create further confusion. Last but not the least communicate clearly and take a back seat.

There’s another reason a person might withdraw. That may not have anything to do with the partner. It could be because of a missing drive. It is very important for any individual to be very clear about what he or she is doing in his or her life and what is that drive which keeps one going. It can be anything ranging from something simple like doing great professionally, being creative or even excelling at some sport. The point is that one must have the drive to remain engaged and focused on not just doing something but doing something well. A drive is very essential for one’s overall emotional and social well-being. So many times, so many people are unaware of their drive or even if they are they don’t really go after it and aren’t assertive enough towards it.

When this happens, the person lacking the drive always suffers in the relationship. Withdrawals, restlessness, irritations become frequent as they become more and more unengaged in life. Too often people are not conscious that this is what is happening to them and they end up pulling away from their relationship and make things worse for themselves and their partner. This is when they are in and out of their relationship. Instead of over analysing the situation, one must focus on other things too. Don’t let the relationship rule – the thumb rule.