Author Archives: Sagarika Shah

At the cost of sounding a bit preachy, the best relationship advice I can give all couples is to develop an equation with one’s partner in such a way that one can have the most uncomfortable dialogue in the most comfortable setting. Sounds weird? Well, the norm in most relationships would be to either avoid or procrastinate sensitive issues with the fear of either a discourse or a distress setting in.  Couples need to learn the art of being able to talk about anything under the sun, especially about unpleasant yet necessary issues with freedom and ease.

There was this couple who supposedly got along beautifully. They were very proud of the fact that they never had any skirmishes in their relationship. They claimed to be very understanding with each other. Despite wearing the rosy glasses of their perfect relationship, something was amiss and they landed up with me. Didn’t take too long to figure the couple had a very superficial relationship. Both the partners were inhibited in expressing any negative emotions. They had conditioned themselves to insulate themselves from the unpleasant realities of their marriage. They only shared good things with each other. These included sharing meals, outings, entertaining guests and regular holidays. While this would sound more than ideal, there was a big vacuum between them. They shied away from sharing their darkest fears, unpleasant truths and disinclinations. They hardly had any differences thanks to this partial and deliberate obliteration. But in the process, it costed them their closeness. Eventually the mask they donned of completely different entities than they actually were, took a big toll not just on their relationship but on themselves. There was discomfort with a false sense of comfort.

Another couple used to have frequent bitter fights, with the husband getting over possessive about the wife interacting with any of her friends. The wife was so fed up that she severed all the ties with them only to spare herself the trauma of his possessiveness. This came with a cost. Her socializing decreased which in turn affected her mental health and her equation with her husband. In trying to mend one disturbing aspect, she ended up with a disturbed mental state herself. An intimate relationship always gets priority but not at the cost of disturbing one’s mental equilibrium.  A better option would have been to try and tap the husband’s insecurities leading to possessiveness. Even after discussing and putting him at ease with a lot of assurances, if he continues, he should seek professional help. When such a behaviour reaches pathological levels, it’s dangerous for both the partners and the relationship.

Once again, I maintain one should strive to make a relationship strong enough to bear the manifestations of the most uncomfortable talks in the most comfortable situations. The husband and the wife should be able to sit across each other without any reservations to share their deepest of concerns about themselves or each other. A relationship in which both the partners can express their apprehensions, insecurities, fears, guilt and sadness freely is a mark of a healthy relationship.

Please get out of your comfort zone to take your relationship to a stress-free zone of comfort to discuss anything ranging from unacceptable, undesirable, unreasonable, unimaginable, unthinkable to uncomfortable. Unbelievable but not unachievable!!!

A recent discussion with a friend over tea was quite discerning. In the process of exchanging some random thoughts on relationships and what all it takes for it to function smoothly, we zeroed in on a simple yet generally taken for granted kind of an element. While stereotyping the conventional like honesty, openness, comfort, mutual respect et al, we talked about the ‘easy’ aspect a relationship. If the nature of any relationship is easy, if two people are easy to get along with and easy on each other, it becomes so easy!!! ‘Easy’ should be the prerequisite for any relationship – be it intimate or otherwise. If it’s not easy it’s not worth it. And it holds so much truth. Why should one fret or struggle in any relationship? Except may be business associations where it’s not always an easy going.  But in friendships or romantic liaisons, why would one sweat? Happiness is the goal which got two people together in the first place – friends or lovers. It shouldn’t come at the cost of two people constantly bickering and causing unhappiness or unpleasantness to each other. What is the point of such a relationship? Well, no denying the fact that close ties always need some fine tuning and nurturing.

Everyone should strive to make their relationships simple. In fact, all relations are easy. We make them complex by attaching some unnecessary predetermined thoughts encoded into our system by our formative, childhood and growing up experiences. Everyone comes with a set of predisposed ideas which play a big role in what we offer to our relationships. Unpleasant or negative experiences complicate the fabric of an otherwise sound relationship. A new relationship is like a clean slate. The essence of its ease lies in what two individuals chalk out of it as time goes by.

Since every individual has different life experiences by the time they get into a union, it is not always easy to declutter certain wrong relationship notions. Most of the times, one doesn’t even realize that the faulty mindset is instrumental in creating distress and thus it is taking a toll on the relationship. Blaming others aggravates the situation further. One needs to look within and see what is causing the distress that’s making it complex rather than easy. A lot of my clients are very surprised when a different perspective is presented to them. They have never perceived this different context affecting a relationship.

Instead of brooding over a relationship that’s not cent percent satisfying, one needs to simplify one’s thinking in order to make it simple. For example, a person may doubt his or her partner which may or may not have any basis. What is required in such situations is to simply control such doubts which come in the way between them. The right thing to do in such tricky situations would be to talk over even the most uncomfortable of topics with an open mind. The same applies to constant contempt, criticism and resentment from either or both. Train the mind to do some simple thinking rather than chew the cud over some imaginary or deliberate negatives. When the thought process is easy, one is easy on one’s self and on one’s partner. Take it easy and make it easy. It’s worth it…

We come across all kinds of people in this world. The strong and the weak. The major difference between the strong and the weak lie in the way they react to a situation. It is the response or the reaction which mirrors the strength of a person.

While what differentiates the strong from the weak is something easy to answer, why are some people stronger and some not is something which is intriguing. Theoretically, strength is an amalgamation of genes, bringing up and the experiences gathered. Mental strength is inevitable in today’s times. What happens when the right set of genes are not inherited and the environment is not conducive to be strong in life? Does it mean one must put up with a weak mind because of not very ideal nature and nurture? Not in the least. It is very imperative to teach today’s children that like physical strength (which again is under question – given the lax outlook towards it), mental strength is equally important.

How does one develop it? For children, it’s very easy – what they see is what they imbibe. If they notice their parents/teachers/primary caretakers generate a lot of mental strength, they would inculcate similar qualities. Children always learn better through observation. If they witness positive reactions to challenging situations, they will automatically reflect the same behaviours. If they see relaxed set of family members at home who don’t fret over things, sweat the small stuff, they would pick up the same. The problem arises when they learn wrong things the wrong way. Adults must demonstrate being mentally very stable. Unfortunately, not all grownups have this stability.

Now, the next question is how can adults who have a direct influence on children establish their mental strength if they are devoid of it? First and foremost, they need to identify the areas which wind them up and lead to negative reactions. Once the difficult areas are identified, they need to decisively change their repetitive patterns of reactions by controlling their negative emotions. They may struggle with this initially, but it’s never impossible to break a pattern one is aware of. One should never forget the fact that reacting impulsively, immaturely or negatively seldom help cope with a difficult situation. Controlling one’s feelings to avoid emotional outbursts or silent withdrawals leading to anxiety, depression or nervous breakdown are always dangerous.

Once developed, mental strength is something which is revealed when going through trials and tribulations of life – in sickness, loss of any kind or even relationship distress. Couples having this quality are always at an advantage in their relationship. They can resolve their conflicts better and are always able to take things in their stride.

“Life is not what happens to you, but how you react to what happens to you” should be practised to the hilt. If one breaks down at the drop of a hat, loses his/her cool frequently and gives up easily, it can have a terrible effect on the people in their orbit of family, work and close friends. When one reacts to a situation prudently, over a period of time, these reactions become ingrained in a person and consequently the mind strong and stable. After all, even mental health is wealth…

No relationship is conflict proof. That’s not only impossible but unhealthy as well. Every couple has its share of arguments and issues. But how to draw a line between what’s normal and what’s not? There are some indicators which can help one gauge if a relationship is worth being invested in or time to move on.

Have you set healthy boundaries in your relationship? if no, it’s a matter of concern. By setting a boundary one can show one’s displeasure by saying no to things which don’t go down too well with the partner. By respecting these boundaries, one can reset the relationship norms between the couple and thereby improve the quality of a dysfunctional relationship.

Are your feelings minimized by your partner? When your feelings are minimized and your partner’s feelings are expected to be magnified, it is a toxic relationship for sure. A balanced relationship wherein the feelings of each other matter is worth maintaining.

Has your partner accepted you – warts and all? The point here is, how well do you accept your imperfect partner and working through his/her flaws together to make the bond meaningful.

Does your partner’s honesty hurt you? A healthy relationship is not always about total honesty. At times things are kept to oneself without sharing. Being brutally honest can hurt the partner’s sentiments. One must be considerate towards the partner’s feelings and be sensitive and empathetic. Doesn’t mean one must be dishonest though.

Do you vent your negative feelings all the time? A constant outburst of how much your partner ruffles your feathers, irritates and winds you up can negatively play on your relationship. You may temporarily feel better after the catharsis but eventually can spell trouble for your relationship. Similarly, unbridled self – expression of love and affection can also have a negative impact. One should always be mindful and understanding towards the partner before spouting out one’s feelings and emotions. Being unmindful can sting a relationship and its scar can last a life time.

Do you feel healthy, energetic and positive in your partner’s presence? If your answer is no, the relationship is a question mark. It is very important to recognise how you feel when with your partner. Any relationship is not always roses but if it generates similar negative feelings of anxiety, depression, depleted energy levels, and if it is the norm rather than the exception, you are in a toxic relationship.

Are you detracted from being your full version? Two people come together and create synergy which makes them feel complete about themselves and with each other. Feeling more powerful and stronger because of the communion than being an individual reflects the relationship index.

Do you always blame everybody/thing but yourself for a problem in your relationship? An affirmative answer shows a relationship to be toxic. Being defensive all the time about issues cropping up in a relationship is a huge relationship malfunction. It’s very important to take responsibility for the share of the problem you are a part of.

During the beginning of any romantic relationship it is a natural tendency to be blinded by love and lust and one may overlook some pointers indicative of relationship distress. it is very important to be wary of these red flags by gauging the situation objectively. Invest in a relationship which is happy and relaxing rather than toxic and taxing.

We live in an era of instant noodles, instant camera, instant coffee, instant messaging, instant makeover, instant geyser, instant intimacy, and many other instant alternatives. The ‘instant’ pace has led to a need for instant gratification. Today’s generation hardly knows the meaning of delayed gratification. Everything is expected to be served instantly – be it food, love and sex or communication. Waiting can be psychologically taxing. Patience is daunting if exercised.  Any sort of delay manifests in impatience, frustration, pressure, anxiety and anger.

Only a couple of decades ago, writing letters and waiting for a reply used to be so common. One would eagerly but not impatiently wait for a letter from a postman. And the gratification that followed would be supreme on getting a reply. Unfortunately, thanks to the email, this practice is almost redundant. While the internet has drastically transformed the communication process, it is responsible for delayed gratification becoming challenging. Transformation from snail mail to email reduced the pace of response time from days to minutes. People would email one another – the pace would be quick so back and forth emails became the norm. Parallelly, various email messengers became popular.  Live chat across different boundaries and borders of the world became possible. This was the beginning of instant communication. Finally, with the advent of mobile messenger applications, response time got reduced to seconds. It has made people so used to getting instant responses that a delayed response causes restlessness. A terrible mental state cascading down on a lot of areas in life including relationships.

Telephone conversations still highlight the main mode of communication for courting couples. Even after having a telephonic conversation for hours together, one wants to text or chat. The need to be connected 24×7 leads to a lot of stress.  It stems not only from a longing or a state of missing each other but more from compulsion. Just because one can, why not? When one doesn’t hear from one’s partner for some time, there is an emotional turmoil. The same affects the partner and takes a toll on the relationship. Technology should be used to facilitate a relationship and not hamper it. Just because it’s available doesn’t mean one must use it incessantly. The scope of giving space to each other is almost zero. If one is not physically present with one’s partner doesn’t mean one is providing the much-required space.  Following one’s partner and expecting him or her to be connected constantly is like virtual stalking. Extremely unhealthy for a relationship and rational health of the couples involved.

The need for instant gratification has become so ingrained in people thanks to the technological advancement that one wonders if the mental health index of people was higher before or now. Addiction was only restricted to drugs. Terms like digital detox was unheard of. Paranoia, obsessive compulsive disorder and trauma have increased manifold thanks to the addiction to be gratified instantly. The need to have immediate need/want fulfilment has become a lifestyle disease.

Some of the best things in life are worth waiting for. We  all should learn to cultivate the habit to wait. Develop more patience and see our self and our relationship blooming.

The age-old debate on what should be the ideal age difference between a man and his wife continues, but in a different context. It’s not conventional any more for a man to be older than his woman. It can be the other way around as well. May December relationships are no longer a rarity.

What should be the ideal difference and who should be older has no precise answer. There are no ground rules to decide the gender specific age difference. If we go by the statistics of the west, age is never a bar. Hollywood actors are the biggest examples.  The acceptance towards an older woman, younger man is progressively increasing but nevertheless, a big difference between the two is still frowned upon.

The culture in our country still encourages a big age gap between a husband and a wife. Many times, the difference is astronomical in terms of the husband being older. The much older husband is supposed to be looked up to by his wife and she is also expected to be in awe of him. Nothing wrong with this notion provided the man is really worth the admiration and awe.

Does age difference have anything to do with the quality of the relationship? Being older doesn’t mean one is always wiser, enriched by life experiences and proportionally mature. Similarly, being younger doesn’t mean one is inexperienced and immature always. Age can never define a person’s overall growth and sanity. The best relationships can work in any direction – regardless of whether the age difference is too much or too little between the couple with either being older, younger or of the same age.

I have seen varied couples with all kinds of age differences. And as much as I have tried to derive at a leaning in terms of the most successful age difference, I have not been able to zero in on a number.  If there is harmony in the relationship, it really doesn’t matter who is older and how much. A happy relationship requires a lot of understanding more than anything else from each other –  a characteristic which can constitute from an individual of any age group. A person advancing in age doesn’t necessarily have this very important quality. It could come from someone very young as well.

It’s all about being a balanced human being. If one is emotionally stable, no age can dictate terms about who is wiser since older. Control plays a big role. Not the need to control the other, but the need to be in control of one’s self. Requirement of a strong and stable mind. A relationship is paradoxically the most turbulent journey a couple embarks on and requires a lot of control to stay strong and true, not just to the partner but to oneself to function smoothly. Slotting people in different groups as per their age, age difference and number of years they are married or in a relationship is the mother of all misconceptions.

No matter how young or old you are. if you know how to handle your beautiful communion with your partner, you have arrived (regardless of whether a few or many years ago – into this world).

Dating tips can help one get a date but to get the love of one’s life, one needs a lot more. Self-introspection for lasting love can help open one’s mind, heart and body. It’s always easy to love or fall in love with someone. But when that love is not reciprocated with the same intensity, it can be quite distressing. It’s also very normal to feel dejected when a loved one or a friend doesn’t return a call or cancels some last-minute plans. Doesn’t take time to label them as uncaring or impolite. If this is a chronic pattern every time you befriend someone and the raised hopes are dashed, you need to make certain inner shifts through self-introspection.

It happens because one tends to demand, of course at an unconscious level, what one is most unwilling to give. It is very natural to seek love, respect and acceptance. It is equally natural to feel disappointed when it is not provided. The bottom line is, to seek love, one needs to feel that love for oneself. Or else no amount of love expressed by the significant other can suffice. No matter how hard your partner, even spouse for that matter tries, it will never lead to contentment. A wife kept receiving flowers and gifts from her husband regularly. According to her friends she indeed was a lucky woman. But she kept doubting her husband’s gestures – was he doing it to hide an affair, was he doing it because he had to, may be out of duty? Appreciation took the form of suspicion. Again, the feeling that the partner is losing interest, despite no apparent signs is common. Regardless of how intensely a partner expresses love –  through expensive gifts or passionate declarations, if it is not evenly scaled by one’s own self-worth, it will always make things difficult. The feeling of not being good enough has a cascading effect on other relationships and even on work sometimes. The gnawing emptiness within due to lack of self-love can only be filled by loving oneself. It’s all about accepting oneself and one’s feelings. No validation from an external source is required to be considered worthwhile. Not to say one shouldn’t try and correct some unpleasant or faulty behavioural patterns hampering a relationship.

Loving oneself makes room for love to come into one’s life. Is it difficult to love oneself? Why the resistance, then? It’s not something deliberate. At times, past trauma, parental dysfunction or typical childhood experiences can be responsible for lack of self-love.  Everyone deserves the love of their life. Through counselling or right therapy one can have a breakthrough and reverse the traumatic past experiences that block one from feeling in complete acceptance of oneself.

The need to love and be loved is universal. Everyone deserves to enjoy being loved by their loved ones, be it a friend, partner or spouse – coupled with the feeling to know that they are good enough just the way they are. You have the right to create what you want and to love deeply. Embark on a journey to love yourself first before you let anyone else love you. And see for yourself what love and life have to offer.

In a country where marriages, believed to be so sacrosanct and always for keeps are losing its essence, what can be said about relationships? Fragile marriages are on the rise. And on a steeper rise are erratic relationships. Shorter shelf life, unpredictability, commitment phobia, ‘on and off’ relationship status et. al. are some of the core patterns that mark relationships of today.

I had written about ‘ghosting’ some months ago – an abrupt disappearance from a dating partner’s life by suddenly becoming incommunicado. There is generally no guilt or remorse attached to the breakup. Can be quite an emotional roller coaster for the partner ditched. In contrast to ghosting is being ‘zombied’. It’s a sudden reappearance in an ex partner’s life for reasons best known to the person reappearing. The return is like a blast from the past.

There can be a multiple reason for people resorting to this. A failed relationship, a relationship not satisfying or gratifying enough, a comparison between a current and a previous relationship leading to a realization process that perceives the ex-partner  as better. Also, the inability to get hitched again can make one turn back to one’s ex.

An IT professional dated a girl for quite a few months. Being head over heels in love they even discussed their future together. However, gradually the girl started reducing her interactions and communication with him. Finally she just went into the oblivion. Nursing a broken heart, he had no other option but to move on, which indeed was very painful. One fine day, ages after the unannounced break up, he received a text message from her telling him that she couldn’t live without him. It had taken him a long time to get over her and was in no way interested in severing the old ties. The trust factor was zero now and he just couldn’t get himself into getting involved again since he was sure that he wouldn’t be able to cope with another heartbreak –  although it was very tempting. He let the head rule over the heart this time.

The gentleman was justified in keeping himself off her. People should be extremely wary about their partners especially if they have been ghosted and zombied once. The very fact that it has happened once merely points at all the possibilities of it happening again.  Getting reconnected with such a person wouldn’t be a good idea because such people lack the empathy to realize what they have put the other person through. A relationship without mutual empathy is a big non-starter.

In case, one is tempted to get involved again, one should tread very slowly. ‘Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst’ should be followed to a T. If it’s not the first time, it necessarily cannot be the last time of being ghosted. Instead of getting emotional one should very practically deal with it. Time would be the biggest test of such a relationship and would tell whether the person has returned for genuine reasons and regrets the breakup or not. After all you don’t want to become a zombie again.

A very common practice in quite a few households – giving threats. A husband threatening his wife to walk out of the house during a fight or a wife threatening to harm herself if she cannot have her way. Threats to commit suicide are common as well.

Are these people serious about what they say? Do they mean it? I was seeing a couple last year who had massive differences with each other. The husband always threatened to walk out of home, work, car – depending on his location at the time of dispute. The wife and the child always went through the routine ordeal of pleading, begging and cajoling him to stay back. It had become his regular behavioural pattern. Once on their way somewhere, they had an argument. With his anger going through the roof, he threatened to stop the car and leave. He was at his predictable best. The wife was so fed up with his frequent tantrums, that she just asked him to scoot. The husband couldn’t believe his eyes and ears. He didn’t know what to do or where to go. His inflated ego got the better of him and he had no other option but to step out – with no one to stop him this time. Without waiting a second, the wife got behind the wheel and drove off. He learnt his lesson.

Another couple had a different kind of problem. The wife had somehow always managed to do things her way – through temper tantrums, emotional blackmailing etc. Finally, it reached a point wherein the husband could take it no more. He started opposing which naturally didn’t go down too well with her. Suddenly she felt powerless and that led to strange behavioural patterns in her. She had terrible mood swings. Wouldn’t eat for a day or two. Wouldn’t lift a finger to do anything for the eight-year-old son and would remain in bed for hours. All deliberate to get back her control and attention. The son had to depend on the father at such times. If it was a holiday, things were manageable. But on working days, the son would call up the father from home and tell him about the mother not being in a good mood and not tending to his needs. The husband’s futile attempts to explain to her that the son didn’t deserve to be dragged into their differences, got him nowhere. Once at work, he received a phone call from the son saying the mother was leaving home. He rushed home. The first thing he told the wife was to leave – immediately. She was aghast since wasn’t expecting this kind of a reaction. She thought this would change him but it backfired. Was clueless as to what to do next. She was told that he and his son had enough. She had no right to make the son insecure by her frequent emotional outbursts or withdrawals. She didn’t leave and had to mend her ways.

When it gets beyond the pale for either spouse/partner, it’s a wakeup call. It is a real test for the distressing partner’s intentions. Whether the threats are empty or are genuine. From day one, this should be nipped in the bud.  Nobody should relent or succumb to such unreasonable behaviour. Definitely not threats! It only adds fuel to the fire. The more you feed them, even with the best of intents to maintain peace it only encourages them to continue. Please don’t be threatened even if it means a threatened relationship.

A repetitive pattern of behaviour over a period of time becomes a habit.  Habits can be as insignificant as shaking a leg while sitting, doing something constructive as reading or simply getting habituated to a luxury like an air-conditioned car or a home. A habit is not developed over night and so, when one realizes that there is a pattern setting up, one should consciously try to break that pattern, particularly if detrimental in any way.

Certain habits can be harmful for a relationship. One such habit is cribbing. Such cribbers sweat the small stuff and crib about everything under the sun. The negativity is so strong that they can never look at the larger picture. They can’t count their blessings. Especially in a relationship, this can be a major source of contention. The cribbing is never internal. It’s always external –  aimed at the partner, the situation or things around. Despite being brought to their notice, such people seldom change. Anything that the partner says or does is given a negative connotation. It’s not only “why you said so” but also “when you said this, you actually meant this.” Lots of presumptions at play. Motives are imputed. This kind of approach has deep underlying causes. An unpleasant childhood, complexes developed then but manifested in adulthood, when dealing with others – closed ones. This inner circle of   people are taken for granted and bear the brunt of such complexes. Cribbing also takes the form of sarcasm and taunting. Their partners may not even know that anything said or done is misconstrued till it is conveyed through some direct or indirect chiding.

Such people make relationships toxic. Partners of such people have to struggle to be themselves. It becomes so taxing to cope with such complexities that they sometimes don’t even realize but end up losing themselves – thinking all the time about how their behaviour would be reacted upon. One of the couples I was seeing had a similar problem. The husband always misinterpreted his wife’s understanding. If he said he wanted to go to sleep early and if she readily agreed, thinking that he must be tired, she was misread. She was blamed for being latently angry about the entire thing and not showing it. Convincing him she wasn’t angry at all and that he was only imagining, she was further questioned about why she wasn’t enquiring about his health – if he was ok since retiring early. She was mocked for not even showing some care and concern. The assumptions are endless and exasperating. Such relationships don’t last and even if they do, there’s a lot at stake in terms of ‘out of control’ emotions on part of the partner finding faults and ‘totally controlled emotions’ by the opposite partner. Such controlled emotions can be dangerous and can take a toll on a person’s mental health in the long run. It’s like a ticking time bomb ready to explode any time.

If you feel your partner is toxic, it’s a red flagged relationship. I wouldn’t advise any one to be a part of such a relationship. When we live in times where nothing toxic is acceptable, why accept a toxic partner? Try to detox your partner. If it doesn’t help, detox yourself from the relationship.