Author Archives: Sagarika Shah

My last weekend was well spent at a club. A complete family outing. My visit to the ladies room left me irked. I saw the janitor there using her cell phone to make a call. Even before she could say her hello, I could hear a loud outburst at the other end – without the phone being on speaker mode. She was snubbed for making that call and she sheepishly disconnected. Didn’t take me a second to realize, who this young girl was speaking to. The therapist bone in me was suddenly stimulated. I felt so bad, I couldn’t help speaking to her. I asked why she was yelled at by her husband? She said he was watching something interesting on television and got disturbed by her call. My second question was – how long was she married, the answer to which was two years. No wonder!! The girl was working as a caretaker of a plush club ladies room even on a Sunday evening, while the husband was comfortably plonked in front of television at home. The only thing I could do to nurse her dented heart was to give her a few inputs on how to sail through such emotionally turbulent times. How important it was for her to convey to her husband that she didn’t like the way she was put down. I knew it may not even go down too well with her husband given the orthodox times that still prevail in our country – where it’s still a male dominated society in quite a few households and children grow up witnessing their fathers being rude to their mothers. But I still wanted her to feel empowered. She was standing on her feet. Working and earning a living. I just wanted her to know her worth and not be ill-treated for no fault of hers.

Why does a relationship change post marriage? Why does one start taking one’s partner for granted? I am sure the same girl and her husband were once head over heels in love with each other. Till the newness wore off, their initial period must have been bliss like all other marriages. Why does all the love and affection evaporate into thin air once married? Courtship days are supposed to be the best days since the partners make the most of both the worlds – their individual and together. Once the legal stamp of matrimony is put, things start sliding down. Why is it all temporary – the love, the care, the concern?

Whatever section of society one belongs to, taking one’s spouse for granted (not necessarily only the wife) becomes a given. I have seen so many couples, not just my clients who are so rude to their spouses. With this unpleasant approach, things are expected to be rosy at least to the outside world. Its very easy to overlook one’s flaws but overlooking a partner’s flaws seems so daunting.  And then people crib and question the institution of marriage. Grudges and resentment over a period of time can only breed bitterness. Once that gets woven into the fine fabric of a relationship, it becomes very difficult to get rid of it.

When one is cohabiting with one’s life partner, why can’t the alliance be so pleasant, loving and wonderful that one looks forward to the future together? The feeling of being able to cope with anything and everything with a partner by one’s side is second to none. The children of such strong marriages are phenomenal. It doesn’t cost much to be sweet and easy to get along with. Please don’t be rude, dude!!!!!

Contemplating certain core traits responsible for relationship distress specially between couples have made me focus on one trait which interferes with the functioning of a smooth relationship. Anxiety!! Commonly defined as a feeling of worry, nervousness or unease about something with an uncertain outcome. There are two types of anxieties. One which is inherent in a person, given the genetic disposition. And the second being generated as a result of one’s repetitive negative thinking pattern which ultimately gets internalised in a person – detrimental not just to the partner or the relationship but to oneself as well.

While anxiety is manifested through various means, digital platform is a common carrier these days. A dating couple seeing each other may get anxious when they don’t get a response from their partner. “Why hasn’t he/she responded to my text despite it being delivered so long ago?” Married couples wouldn’t think any different. Their predicament would be, why hasn’t the message been opened or read? And once that is done, again the same rut of why hasn’t it been responded to? A thinking ritual. Is it very difficult to send a text and then forget about it till it is responded to? Anxiously waiting for a reply with a single-track mind, getting fidgety, checking one’s cell phone restlessly almost becomes an obsession.

Why can’t one adopt a simple straight forward thinking that the message will be responded when the partner finds time? Instead of imagining the worst, why not be positive, realistic and accept the delay? When I ask my over anxious couples to practise this “delayed response acceptance” positively, they say they have a basis of comparison responsible for their anticipated response time. Because the texts were always responded instantly in the past, that pace is still expected. Not realizing the initial euphoria of a relationship is always different and quick paced. It slows down with time but doesn’t mean the love and affection have gone down. It is wrong to presume the two are correlated – delayed response equal to lessened love.  Another very common complaint these days is being seen online on a certain messaging application but not communicating with one’s partner. “He/she was online but still just wasn’t ready to acknowledge me.” There’s a very fine line between an anxious and a suspicious mind. “Has he/she lost interest in me?” “Has he/she started seeing someone else?”  “Is my husband/wife having an affair?” Why can’t we condition our minds to think maybe the partner got busy doing something else and forgot to get off that chat. Maybe a technical glitch – online status may be offline or the priority was someone else for a reason at that point.

Jumping to conclusions is so easy when anxious. Insecurities, emotional dependence and a lot of free time at hand can lead to overt anxiety. Always adding logic to one’s thoughts, rationalizing about a situation and talking it over with one’s partner can help counter anxiety. Anxiety is a trait which can breed a lot of contempt in a relationship. Training one’s mind to consciously not get anxious would get rid of a lot of emotional turmoil. Especially initially the mind must be anxiety free to analyse a situation objectively. Anxiety should step in only if a situation gets to the extreme. Anyway, it’s not worth losing one’s sanity over anxiety!!!

Do you feel you have had a wonderful connection with your partner/friend, only to wonder why he or she suddenly withdrew? Do you blame yourself to turn him or her off? Can anything be done to salvage a great relationship from crumbling?

These are some common questions plaguing couples of today. A seemingly uniform pattern I have witnessed in their relationships. While it’s very easy to fall in love, it’s never easy to continue being in love. This fast pace of growing close and apart can be nerve-wracking. Speed always plays a spoil sport.   Their struggle to keep their relationship steady, manifests in anxiety or depression, disrupting their mental and physiological equilibrium.

Early stages of a relationship determine a smooth, stable and solid journey of togetherness. When the pace of relationship is too fast, the resultant outcome is generally the following in either or both the partners:  Firstly, one wouldn’t know what to do with the connection if developed instantly and the timing is questioned. “Am I ready for this”? “Is this the right time?” “Do I have other priorities?” Questions start ruling the mind. Secondly, one may not be mentally equipped to deal with the essential relationship characteristics necessary for getting closer. Ample understanding, honestly, patience and tolerance are required. But when the emotional maturity is missing, it’s a deal breaker. Lastly, the short and instant relationship itself can be indicative of something either amiss or unfit to carry forward.

Nothing can be done about the wrong timing or lack of emotional maturity. A non-starter indeed! But a relationship can be an excellent indicator when things are not ideal.  One can gauge and correct some relationship malfunction by identifying it. A great relationship can turn sour mainly due to the biggest mistake most couples make. They have had great lives on their own, but the moment they meet each other, they start focussing only on giving or pleasing each other. Giving up friends and hobbies is synonymous to giving up themselves in the process. One is totally blinded to see anything else. No relationship can survive with only two individuals. Eventually, the same union can be stifling. Undivided attention to each other should always be the prerogative when together, but doesn’t mean one forgets one has a life outside that relationship as well. Leading a happy life together and parallelly can make both the partners attractive in the eyes of each other. It exudes feelings of empowerment and motivation within themselves to continue attracting each other. This would also stall the excitement and euphoria from wearing off.

Appreciation, affection and reassurance are the key ingredients to any beautiful association. Being stingy in using these can spell trouble. When one feels, the partner is not interested or the relationship has stagnated, one needs to show appreciation to convey how precious the relationship and the partner is. Showering affection to express love is imperative to keep it going. Giving regular reassurance to get rid of any insecurities again plays a vital role in the long run. These three elements can cement the relationship with a strong foundation to make it last.

The only time one wouldn’t want to get up after a fall is when one has fallen in love. Let it be a free fall!!!! A fall to remember, remain and rise…

Love is in the air. The entire world is gripped with the love fever. Hearts – real and symbolic pump into action. The occasion?  The ‘Valentine’s Day’!!! The day to profess and express one’s love. A special day to get betrothed or married. Something utterly romantic about the day for most.

I like the electrifying atmosphere of the V-day celebrations. Decorations marked with red – balloons and ribbons all over. Cards and gifts in demand galore. I find the seen outside any college always very interesting. Boys and girls, dressed to the nines – some ecstatic some  apprehensive. Red roses given and received. While it’s never easy for such love to last at this age and stage, it’s   the manifestation of beautiful feelings, ruled more by dreams than reality that monopolise the young minds and hearts. Celebrations also involve the ‘not so young’. May be subtler, may be not, but work place romantics, newlyweds, couples in relationship et.al look forward to this day as well.

When I compare the young and ‘the less young’, the inherent nature and feelings associated with falling and being in love are common. It has nothing to do with age. Agreed the heart rules more than the mind when younger, but the need to love and be loved is universal. It’s a basic human need. Why are older adults required to control their feelings? Why are they required to act their age? Why are they required to not get carried away by love – a phenomenon considered fleeting, only for them? On the contrary, they can be much more mature, consistent and sincere in love. Their enriched life experiences put them on a sounder footing of love. They can be better lovers. One of the main reasons why marriages in our country lose their essence is because once married for a certain number of years, love and romance take a back seat. The biggest mistake most couples make by prioritizing everything but love between them.

It is our perception and conditioning to behave in a ‘certain’ way once we pass the so-called age of love. Is there actually an age to love? Teenagers can fall in (and out of) love at their whims and fancies. People in their twenties have a right to love too. May be thirties is still acceptable for love. But the moment one enters one’s forties, it’s almost a full stop. Time to give up the good things in life. Fifties and onwards almost resonate a renunciation phase. Love totally unimaginable. Sad but true!

My trips to the west always leave me enamoured by their world of happiness. Nothing stops them from being themselves. They enjoy every phase of life without any inhibitions. ‘Age is just a number’ is believed and lived to the fullest. Whether a shift in career or relationship, they don’t let themselves be controlled by external factors. Of course, their society is different from ours. Such landmark changes are not frowned upon. But ours is changing too. Only last week at one of the conferences attended, my hexagenerian co-therapist was on her way to buy a valentine’s gift for her husband of four years and she was all upbeat about it. She said it took her ages to get out of a bad marriage but finally found the love of her life. She wanted to enjoy the last few decades blissfully. I was pretty touched hearing her little yet big life and love story.

Valentine day’s celebrations – no prerequisites required…

The role of Emotional Quotient (EQ) has been firmly established. It has been proved after decades of research that EQ is ‘that’ critical factor which sets successful people apart. It is ‘the’ parameter for an effective life – personal or professional.

Although EQ is intangible, the way in which we manage our behaviour, relationships and decision making, can reflect the level of our EQ. Unfortunately, there aren’t very many tests to measure EQ unlike IQ because of its intangible nature. However, there are certain characteristics of people with high EQ. A low down on these can help one understand how relationships and EQ are correlated.

Vast emotional vocabulary is a sign of high Emotional Intelligence. A person with high EQ can express and understand varied emotions. This can help foster a strong relationship, since emotions are the basis of all relationships, particularly intimate ones. EQ gives an insight into how one feels, what triggers the feeling and how to respond rather than react to the triggered feelings –  a guaranteed relationship facilitator.

People with high EQ are very adaptable and are open to any change. Their flexibility helps them in their relationships since it gets rid of any rigidity and closemindedness.

This is my favourite characteristic. I have experienced that people with high EQ are very difficult to offend. They are unruffled by things thanks to their self-confidence. Their sense of humour helps them take a situation lightly. No seriousness at play. So, when things are not taken personally – the art of taking everything in one’s stride is always a boon for any relationship. But at the same time, they can discriminate humour from degradation.

Self-control is another quality which distinguishes a highly emotionally intelligent person from the rest. Such a person believes in delayed gratification if required and impulsive avoidance. This can go a long way in dealing with all kinds of relationships. Patience is a form of this characteristic. Couples who exercise self-control and patience are always doing great in their intimate space.

High EQ also means that one doesn’t seek perfection all the time. One realizes that imperfection is real and that perfection is a myth which never exists. With such a mindset, its always easier to accept one’s partner and focus on the positives rather than the negatives.

Emotionally Intelligent people are content with what they have rather than what they don’t. Gratitude is ingrained for they always count their blessings. This attitude makes two people in a relationship grateful for each other.

This one may sound a little off track but people with high EQ can easily disconnect. They realize the importance of taking out time for themselves. Whether at work or in a relationship, they don’t make themselves available 24×7 since that’s a sure way of inducing stress. To have a stress-free relationship it becomes imperative to regularly breakaway for some time.

Negativity is nipped in the bud since it can breed toxic thoughts which in turn can lead to adverse actions or reactions. Emotionally Intelligent people will always focus on the brighter side. A tendency which works very well personally and otherwise.

Last but not the least, people with high EQ are never dependent on external factors for their happiness. They never make the source of their happiness anything but themselves. With this approach, two people in love are never insecure, possessive or jealous as far as their relationship goes.

Intelligence Quotient can be genetic, but EQ can certainly be developed. All one needs to do is imbibe the aforesaid traits and practise them. After all, high EQ is responsible for our Relationship Quotient.

“I told you not to watch television for so long.” You are on your tablet all the time, then what do you expect?” “Henceforth I am going to take back your cell phone.” Any guesses for this reference to context? These are some common dialogues heard at school Parent Teacher Meetings (PTM). While I await my turn to hear about my son’s progress, there’s a beeline of over enthusiastic parents glued in front of the teachers to know about their child. General questions range from “is my child studying well, to how much did he/she score in the reviews, to why did he/she get half, one or two marks less in a particular subject?” Here the emphasis is more on the lost marks rather than the excellent aggregate marks scored.

Any negative feedback from the teacher and there’s a flurry of instant nagging, scolding and reproaching. It is the parent who is responsible for getting a child addicted to television. Children imbibe what they see. The irony being parents are so fond of watching television that they can’t let go of their favourite programme and expect the child to not watch. The latest gifting trend for primary school children is a cell phone or a tab. Why is it so difficult for some parents to realize that their generosity is instrumental in getting the children hooked on to these gadgets?

I fail to understand why the focus is always on the child’s academic achievements?  Why are examinations the only parameter of success in life, that too at a stage and age where it hardly matters? Agreed, it is essential to score well in grades ten and twelve, for that is the pathway to higher education, paving way for one’s career. But what about lower grades? Children are burdened with long school hours. On top of that they have tons of homework. And still the parents want them to study more. This is unfair on the children. They have a right to just be. Do whatever they enjoy. If they are left with no time on their own how would they develop their hobbies and interests? How would they know what skills they have? It has been proved that if children are bored, parents shouldn’t intervene for the boredom helps them become creative. But with most children today, where is the time to be bored when they hardly have any time for themselves?

Formative years are the years to develop a child’s emotional intelligence. With due respect to parents who have a single-track mind to focus only on their child’s academics, are low on emotional quotient themselves. They not only torment the child, but unconsciously psych themselves up as well. As if that is not enough, academic achievements are discussed with other parents and comparisons made. Not academic but emotional intelligence will help these children deal with tremendous stresses and pressures when they face the world. If their emotions are treated with indifference or negligence in childhood, they would have a hard time coping with life in general – be it in their careers or relationships.

Childhood is a miniscule part of one’s life. Children have every right to live it to the fullest. Beautiful childhood can lead to a beautiful mind. An unhappy childhood on the other hand can leave scars forever. Let’s help our children make beautiful memories…

Myths and misconceptions can ruin a beautiful relationship. Clichéd thinking in terms of certain specific patterns, which dictate behavioural and emotional responses, can create unnecessary relationship distress. There are quite a few delusions we all have as human beings, especially about the way we function in a marriage or a relationship. These could be attributed to some past experiences, mere hearsay or maybe a result of our conditioned thinking. Whatever be the responsible factors, it does lead to some distorted thinking, which in turn hampers a wonderful relationship otherwise. While to list down all would be a difficult proposition, summarizing a few basic ones is feasible. Hope the logic behind these would help you stop believing in these misconstructions and witness your relationship go through a phenomenal change.

First and foremost, the belief that just because you are in love, in a relationship, living-in or married doesn’t mean you do everything together.  The sole reason to intimately get together with another person is to live a life together. But that doesn’t mean you forget yourself as an individual in the process. Hanging out with other friends or even indulging in some ‘me-time’ would do more good than harm. We as human-beings learn and imbibe so much by interacting with other people. When that is stopped and the partner becomes the only focus, the horizon gets narrowed due to limited exposure. It can be stifling to breathe down each other’s neck all the time.

Another myth which drives most couples to some disturbance at some point in their relationship is that sex should happen regularly and frequently. Of course, a healthy sex life is very essential for your relationship, but not at the cost of stressing yourself out. There can be constrains – physical and mental sometimes. Sweating over it would only frustrate you more. When such stressors are at play, the best thing to do would be to schedule a sex date.

Children come first is the biggest myth most couples, especially mothers believe in and act accordingly. It is very normal to prioritize your kids when they are infants and toddlers. Its natural to be not able to give as much time or attention to one’s spouse. But at least taking out some time to just be with him/her can do wonders to your relationship. Maybe watching some movie or television programme together when the baby is asleep or just indulging in a silly conversation with each other, reminiscing your days prior to the baby’s arrival would be so good. Make the most of the situation when it becomes inevitable to be homebound because of the baby.  One of the reasons most couples drift apart on becoming parents is that they have failed to remain connected in that critical phase.

Last but not the least, never go to bed angry doesn’t always work. Sometimes prudence lies in not making up immediately after an argument. Sleeping over something can help you get a better perspective on the issue. It gives you time to mull over it. Getting some space after a conflict is recommended.  Most of the times, the topic over which the argument happens is trivial. Ignoring it and going to sleep is another best formula to forget about it the next morning. Talking about it by trying to make up instantly can only add fuel to the fire. After all next day is another day.

Unfold the myth to unfold the magic your relationship holds!!!

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have a quick fix formula for an ailing relationship, especially for a marriage? Well, as much as there isn’t any specific method to tackle a marital problem, there is certainly something to mend a distressed relationship. The premise of any break up is based on the inability to take the right action at the right time. Trouble in marital paradise is a universal given. No marriage is conflict proof. No couple is insulated from the issues which crop up between them.  Right from the time a couple is in a relationship, if conscious efforts are made to take relevant actions, it can last and how!!

The biggest mistake most couples make is they forget that they must ‘do something’ to keep the relationship alive.  By ‘to do something’ I mean action. The initial euphoria is so strong that it over shadows everything else around at that point. So, there isn’t much done. With time, it takes on the mundane path and if no specific action is taken as and when required, a relationship will die its natural death. The only mental action taken then is to compare the relationship to the initial surreal phase. In retrospect, when the present doesn’t seem as beautiful, and when it fails to ignite similar feelings, frustration takes over. Anxiety and insecurities go up.

The next logical question would of course be, what, when and how to take the necessary actions? This involves a three-step approach. The first and foremost action would be to recognize the significance of one’s relationship and giving it the highest priority. Here the action requires one to appreciate and value the partner and the relationship.

The next step would be to understand the basis of a relationship. Does it rest on a strong foundation to survive? If not, the focus should be on strengthening the foundation on which the relationship precariously rests. Increased interaction and communication, shared activities et al. would help strengthen the foundation. This in turn would lead to rebuilding the relationship which would help couples reconnect emotionally and physically. I was seeing a couple on the verge of splitting. According to them, despite having a normal marriage, they felt something was missing. When they couldn’t point their finger on what it was, they decided to end it, but wanted to give it one last try through therapy. Didn’t take too long to figure their marriage lacked the most essential ingredient – emotional connect. Lack of it led to a lot of resentment piled up between them and subsequently that was taking a toll on their marriage.

Since the objective of any relationship is to heal the ongoing disputes and distress, it becomes very important to be aware of each other’s pattern and nature of communication. This is the third action plan to iron out the differences. The key here lies in translating what is being communicated. It’s usually the interpretation, rather the misinterpretation which spells trouble. Gender differences very often make it difficult to perceive what is being communicated. The misperceived communication hampers the process of attraction which glues a couple together. It kills the passion. Since men and women are wired differently, it becomes imperative to clarify if what is understood, actually in sync with what is conveyed.

A wife always felt her husband was never happy about her shopping indulgences. This feeling was based on what the husband had communicated. It turned out that the husband was never unhappy about her spendings, he only missed her being away from home when he returned from work. He felt the wife was not interested in him and she felt he disapproved her splurging. Such misunderstandings can be dangerous. Hence prudence lies in doing the needful – in this case clarifying the voiced dislike.

Action is required not just to help one get out of a problem but to help prevent problems in the first place. It’s time for some action!!!

“Till death do us part”, once considered so solemn, is losing its essence with time. Sacrosanct wedding vows unfortunately do not have a profound impact on a lasting bond. Sanctity of marriage is fading. The latest in the United Kingdom is the concept of a wedding contract. Depending on the term of the contract, in case a marriage needs to be terminated, It facilitates a smooth separation and divorce. And if the couple is happy at the end of the stipulated period, they can renew the contract. I can’t but help comparing it to a work contract. If the employer and the employee are satisfied with each other, the contract is renewed or else they part ways. Ironical yet surprisingly realistic – befitting the times of today.

At the outset, this concept appears negative. The initial response to such an arrangement would be of disgruntle and contempt. May sound horrifying too. It would  raise many an eyebrow. Why start a relationship on a negative note? Why presume it won’t work out?  But delving deep into it reveals that it’s not as bad. Given the changing times of today, this is a very practical approach to matrimony. It would help couples work hard towards making it work – if they are happy with each other. The scope to take each other for granted reduces to quite an extent. In this kind of a setup, there is a different kind of motivation to strive towards making it a success.

A marriage contract claims to protect the interest of both the partners. If things don’t go as expected, they can call it quits and their individual interests are thereby safeguarded.  It rests on the principle of ‘hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.’ A little too modern for our culture, but given the ever-increasing number of divorces in the west, it certainly is a good step towards maintaining a distress free split. Especially when children are involved this can help a couple remain amicable post divorce. An extremely essential condition for the wellbeing of children involved – scars that a broken home can leave on children should never be underestimated. Divorce is a long-drawn process in our country. People in dead or bitter marriages continue to stay in it only because opting out takes years. People end up wasting precious years of their life waiting for one legal stamp of termination. Of course, this is done to deter people from taking the extreme step. It does discourage couples to a large extent. But with some marriages, breakup is inevitable when it is irreparable. A contract or an agreement would certainly help.

No relationship, especially a sacred matrimonial association should ever break. Should always be for keeps. It’s no rocket science to remain married but an art for sure. With the right attitude, open mindedness, determination and commitment, a beautiful and lasting tie can be created. After all ‘till death do us part should never be replaced by till divorce do us part…’

A recent discussion with a friend on relationships being one of the strongest indicators of happiness opened my vista of thoughts on happiness derived from a meaningful relationship vis a vis the happiness that comes from within. The two may sound mutually exclusive but are congruent as well. It is very difficult to draw a line between happiness based on external and internal forces. While, the happy feeling is something internalized, it is the source we were discussing. When it has been proved that relationships, health and profession are the highest predictors of happiness respectively, does it mean we are dependent on them to feel happy? Why can’t we be happy regardless of what our circumstances are?  The most ideal situation to be in – undeterred by all and remain happy.  We create our own happiness. And that happiness can have a cascading effect on other areas of life. Unfortunately, a difficult proposition to be practised by many. Maybe, these qualities of zero dependence distinguish saints from us, ordinary human beings.

But man is a social animal – one of the elementary social science lessons we were taught. All human beings seek physical, social and emotional connection. The need to connect is inherent in one and all. One may try to defy this natural urge to attach – whether with one’s mother or a primary caregiver from birth, to siblings and friends at growing up years and through an alliance with one’s partner which one hopes would last for life. While the first one is almost impossible to defy, the remaining two become difficult if not impossible. So, when we seek contact with another human being, it is out of our need to connect. That connection gives us the joy to connect even further as it is not something momentary which would end with our needs fulfillment. It’s an ongoing process. Or else no relationship would ever last – intimate or even a close friendship. Attachment and connection with others is what drives us to happiness.

Coming back to our earlier observation of happiness resulting from within or a sound relationship can be based on the premise that when one is internally happy, one can generally be happy and relationships would be a part of it too. But at the same time, the happiness generated by a meaningful relationship can be second to none. It can influence and encourage one to keep going in life, no matter what the challenges. The passion, zeal or enthusiasm which it exudes can be phenomenal. It is not only the partner, but the platform that is created by a couple, the platform of love, trust, understanding and respect that lifts a couple’s confidence, self-esteem and mood. The feeling of security and assurance through someone being there is matchless. Here, the happiness comes from within but at the same time it is not self restricted.

Of course, making your partner the only source of your happiness is something I would never propagate. But one central association can rub on to other things in life. The zeal to pursue other interests and hobbies can reach great levels. The happiness generated through it can reveal new realms of passion to pursue one’s dreams. Happiness through love is like an elixir – experience it to believe it!!