Author Archives: Sagarika Shah

A latest trend I have  experienced of late is this peculiar phenomenon wherein couples are struggling to communicate directly. Communication has become indirect and somehow the ability to communicate effectively – what needs to be conveyed is lost. Communication takes the form of beating around the bush, without getting to the crux of the matter.

Couples are wary in conveying what they want to, for reasons galore. And when they decide to, the medium generally used is the social media, these days. Couples post articles and images on Facebook reflecting their thoughts, expecting their partner to understand the gist of their message, without any direct effort to make them realize its addressed to him/her.  WhatsApp is another platform used to open the eyes of the partner. As a result of this an over flow of sarcasm comes into play sometimes. The result, further dip in communication.  These kinds of communicating patterns hamper the relationship rather than repair it.

During a family therapy session, I was quite surprised – not at all pleasantly though to see the immediate family members connect with each other through a group chat.  Resorting to an internet platform to communicate with one’s family seems and sounds horrifying.  And they wanted to bridge the gap of disconnectedness. What got them to connect digitally more than personally? The root of the problem can be complex. From not being heard, to lack of empathy towards one another, disinterest and indifference can make communication take a backseat. The easiest way then becomes through texting. At least one knows for a fact that the messages won’t fall to deaf ears or blind eyes. Unfortunately, the art of meeting and conversing with people is almost lost.

We live in technology soaked times where ironically communication has become so much easier. Connecting with anyone under the sun is no big deal. Then why this big gap in interpersonal communication among the loved ones? In the process of communicating with everybody but our very closed ones, whom we often take for granted, we have shut ourselves to them, their feelings and at times to their existence. It becomes an addiction to communicate virtually. Weaning off process sometimes requires therapy.

The toll which lack of communication can take on a relationship is a universal given. People are aware of this major relationship detractor. But by the time this is dawned upon, it gets detrimental to a relationship equation. And in desperation to mend it, it leads to secondary rather than primary communication. The resentment grows so deep that it often takes the form of bitterness, taunts and cynicism which is like adding fuel to the fire. The courage to communicate effectively and directly is daunting for most of the people. Why wait for things to get out of hand?

If one cannot be one self to put forward one’s feelings or thoughts without any fears, apprehensions or reservations, the relationship is not worth it and its time to communicate this to your partner. It’s time to muster your courage and say what you must!! It’s not distance which keeps people apart, its lack of communication, rather lack of direct straightforward communication.

I have seen so many women/wives lose their ability to eat, sleep or look at their phones without worrying about their men. They are so obsessed that their mind is continuously in an over drive, trying to brood over every little detail related to their man – why has he become distant, why hasn’t he called, what could have gone wrong etc. ‘The man’ here takes complete charge.  Letting the man take control of the woman’s thoughts and actions is like giving him the remote-control of her life.

Why does it have to be that way? Even when the obsession has not reached pathological levels, living with constant insecurity that he might move away, imagining a life without him – without any valid reasons, that feeling of dread in the stomach, are bad enough and can make one feel sick and worthless. Everything is planned around him, whatever is said or unsaid is thought a million times before being conveyed to him. His mood swings are attributed to anything but him, and if he withdraws, an extra effort is made to be ‘nicer’ and ‘more understanding’. He is put on a pedestal. It’s a wrong notion that doing all this will work wonders for a relationship. On the contrary, it can turn him away in the long run.

Men and women are wired differently. Women are more caring, sensitive and expressive. But that doesn’t mean one should give oneself up for a man, any man for that matter. Not being able to be yourself in a relationship is the first fallacy most couples especially women make. This is seldom the fault of the partner. It’s up to you how you can be yourself. It’s a big turn on for a man to see his woman very comfortable in her own skin. The relationship which blossoms because of two honest, confident, open and free spirited individuals can be beautiful beyond words.

It is always nice to make your man an important part of your life. But you should not allow him to become the ONLY important part of your life. You also need to keep the focus on you. You should be able to look at the larger picture of life. You should not give up on your hobbies, passion and interests.  All this will give you some time to take your mind off him. And once you start doing that, it will help you connect with him in a refreshed way. Even if you have something to communicate to him, you will be able to do it uninhibitedly without any reservations. He will be pleasantly surprised to notice that there’s no pressure in being with you. You will exuberate that confidence which will put him at ease about being himself too. The energy you will generate will be so different from what you have been used to till now. Instead of constantly working towards getting his interest and attention all the time, you will be at peace with yourself.  All the negativity will dissipate.

Get your relationship back on track with these small steps. Your man could at best be your partner in this journey of life, remember he is not the destination. You must always remember that it’s about your life and happiness too.  After all, no relationship can last if it is not evenly scaled…

Mood swing is more like a see saw than a swing. Ironical!! A common phenomenon which affects all. As much as it is very natural for human beings to have mood swings, frequent and intense mood swings can have severe implications on self and the people around. It is so easy for someone to be negative, difficult and then to blame it all on one’s mood. Most of the time, the mood swing spirals downward rather than upwards, and it normally makes a person more despondent. Sometimes a chemical change in the brain and at others a physiological change could be the trigger Regardless of what the contributing factor is, a mood swing can breed trouble in a relationship.

All human beings have mood variations. It is impossible to portray a uniform mood continuously. What can be alarming is the outburst of frequent oscillating moods. An early warning signal of some deep-rooted factors at play.

Mood swings can be positive or negative. Well not literally though! Paradoxical as it may sound, negative mood can be a positive and vice versa.  Normally, an upswing in mood would have an ‘open arms acceptability’, and only a downswing in mood would be a matter of concern. But that’s not always true. Some people have basic predisposition to be happy and cheerful. But a showcase of extra exuberance for short spans from time to time can signify a person’s instability and wavering mind. Can also be a manifestation of anxiety or depression. Here the mood elevates only to dip the very next instance. This is more dangerous than people depicting sad or gloomy temperament. Negative mood swings can be a manifestation of some underlying factors like insecurities, fears, low self-esteem, frustrations, stress, pressure etc. and don’t necessarily spell trouble. Communication becomes a key factor here. Partners at the receiving end need to find out what could be causing this distress in their partner. It could be the result of a relationship malfunction. Such couples need to talk it over. Certain disturbing issues can be brought out through a discussion.

Partners with frequent mood swing tendencies – even after helping them address their problems, should be dealt with differently. When it becomes a habit and if not nipped in the bud it can be devastating. If not addressed, the suppressed or repressed feelings can continue to remain dormant till it gets beyond the pale. The relationship thus becomes vulnerable and would have all the chances of tearing apart. And here both the partners are at fault in more or less proportion. One, for displaying and the other for encouraging. Tolerating it is feeding it. It only gets incremental with time. Such eruption should never be endured beyond a point.  People take it more out of the need to avoid conflict, temper tantrums and to maintain peace. Unfortunately, such short-term gains never promise a peaceful future. Can be extremely taxing to be a target every now and then. So, what you allow will continue.

Relationships are the highest indicators of happiness. Let your mood index be full of such happiness created by a meaningful relationship. After all you want to swing happily and not let your moods swing!!!

Financial incompatibility can always pinch an otherwise sound relationship. Spendthrifts and misers can never be compatible. It becomes very important to find a common ground for the relationship to sustain, especially when such extremities are at play. A study on how money impacts the overall happiness in a relationship revealed that happy couples have different money habits compared to not so happy couples. Bad money habits can lead to hardships in the long run and can possibly lead to a breakup.  Avoiding a few mistakes can certainly help.

• Evading money talks – most couples make the mistake of avoiding this significant topic and thus jeopardize their relationship’s happiness. It has been proved that couples who talk about money more than those who don’t, have higher chances to be successful in their relationship. Money related issues are very personal and sharing them is like sharing a personal goal or a dream. And this can draw a couple close to each other. It’s a great way to get to know each other.

• Taking too long to discuss -Waiting too long to discuss money related issues can be one of the biggest blunders couples make. A person’s money habits always reflect some of the life choices he or she makes. There can be different takes though. Someone may wish to work hard to make money only to indulge in luxuries. While someone else may work hard to make money, not to indulge in luxuries but to afford a healthy retirement in the future. Here we have multiples perspectives – someone who spends freely on luxuries, could either be perceived as generous or careless.  While someone who saves eagerly could be perceived as either farsighted or stingy.  It’s all about how comfortable a couple is about these differences. Procrastinating money conversations would be a big fallacy since working out the differences sooner rather than later is always beneficial.

• Maintaining separate bank accounts is a no – gone are the days when money was handled only by one person. Sharing money is an important aspect for a happy relationship. A survey found that people who kept their money separate were less happy compared to those who shared. Similarly, using separate credit and debit cards also has the same impact. The more financial resources the couples share, the closer they feel about working towards a common goal – be it investments, retirement, savings, loans etc.

• Not budgeting money for entertainment and personal indulgences – while savings and investments never hurt, one should always keep some money aside for gifts and vacations. These two ingredients are very important for the mental health of couples. Prioritizing and budgeting for holidays and gifts can create enormous happiness in a relationship.

• Never keep financial secrets – while any secrecy always hampers a relationship, a financial secret is an absolute no. Frequent secret purchases, secret lending, borrowing or spending on someone outside the relationship can create trust issues in the couple.  Here the damage is not done by money but by secrecy and money only becomes the tool, which is not at all worth it.

• Avoid significant credit card debts – again a survey revealed that the ratio of happiness in couples who had major credit card debts was much lower compared to those with less or no debt.

Money is the link between the present and the future of your relationship. Please do not underestimate the significance of its implications. I strongly believe in what someone very aptly said: “If saving money is wrong, I don’t want to be right!”

Based on certain patterns that are observed in couples going through distress, here’s a low down on a few relationship tips that can never go wrong if followed to a T.

• Taking for granted – Clichéd as it may sound, never take your partner for granted. As the relationship grows old, this becomes a given, not always deliberately but sometimes inadvertently. Feeling secure in a relationship is another reason which breeds this attitude. Please make a conscious effort to not take each other for granted and see how beautiful your relationship remains. Couples not only take each other for granted but end up taking themselves for granted too. In the process, they end up ignoring their own wellbeing. The drive to look and feel nice, fit and healthy gets diluted with time. Never stop focusing on yourself.
• Remember ‘why’ you are in it – You would have your reasons – valid indeed, to be in it and make sure to remember it to value the relationship and your partner.
• Boost your self-confidence – A relationship can soar or deplete your confidence levels, depending on how you feel about it. So, chin up and smile! And always steer clear of someone who make you feel low or inferior.
• Be true to yourself – It’s not enough to be true to your companion by being truthful. You need to be true to yourself as well. Only then will you be able to stay happy and contented.
• Give space and take space – Women tend to do this more than men when it comes to doing everything together. But the bitter reality is, even the most intimate of couples need their time to themselves. Such time alone can give the relationship a much-required boost by making the time together much more precious.
• Never ever compare – Comparing your partner to anybody is a big NO – neither with your ex nor with anyone else.
• Throw jealousy out of the window – Possessiveness and jealousies are natural human traits, but how you deal with them is what matters. At the outset, it could be only jealousy, but this could be the result of some underlying factors. With jealousy comes insecurities. Insecurities can wreak havoc with your mind and weaken your immune system. Many jealous and suspicious couples try to spy on each other through various means. This can hamper a relationship permanently. Trusting your partner and having faith in each other is the best way to respect your partner and the relationship.
• Melodrama is a big turn off – If you see your partner indulging in it, nip it in the bud from day one.
• Never keep score – Don’t try to be a referee. Relationships are always about give and take. But never try to maintain a balance sheet to keep a score of what you did vis a vis your partner’s deeds.
• Always be mindful of timing – As a couple, there would always be issues to be discussed. But there’s a time and place to do it. Sensitive issues should be discussed in a stress-free zone, when both partners are relaxed. But never make the mistake of not talking it out, fearing a negative outburst or outcome.
• Never try to changes your partner or yourself – this is the most common mistake made by most of the people. While shortcomings should be worked upon, don’t try to change only to wield control.

Are you struggling with your emotions around your man and feel as if you are oscillating between two extremes of expressing too much or too little? Do you think you are extra sensitive with him compared to your relaxed, easy going and happy disposition towards other men you aren’t involved with? Well, the answer is, you are supposed to feel things deeply! You are a woman! You ought to feel sensitive about the man you love. And that’s exactly the reason your words or actions wouldn’t weave the same chords or notes of emotions with others around you, except for him.

The problem here is not being over sensitive, but not being able to express your sensitivity prudently, so that you don’t come across as someone either cold and indifferent and blame him for doing everything wrong or as someone really needy and clingy. Both unwarranted! It’s like being ‘caught between the devil and the deep blue sea’. If you express, you may be perceived as being too dependent and if you don’t you may come about as being uncaring.

The irony of being attracted to a man, at the same time either obsessing over him or not showing you actually care, can be very frustrating. The frustration could be the result of some deep seated insecurity. Insecurities always show up when stakes seem high in a relationship. And these are the times when the feeling of being at a man’s mercy or whims and fancies reaches its peak, creating internal conflicts. As much as you feel either insecure or controlled by him, its actually your own thought process which leads to this quagmire of insecurity and uncertainty. Do you think it is restraining you from expressing uninhibitedly?

The best thing to do in these situations is to make peace with yourself first. This can happen when you think through before saying or doing something – especially when discussing sensitive issues or trying to resolve a conflict. That will give you that sure shot footing to analyse your act or thoughts. Essentially, it should sound reasonable and not too explaining or convincing. It shouldn’t take the form of disgruntle or contempt either. Always discussing in person and using the right words like “I feel” instead of “you”, help. Practising this approach regularly will certainly help you think clearly and non-judgementally about the situation you are in with him. The way you feel the at the end of expressing yourself and embracing your emotions will make all the difference.  Things can completely turnaround by fixing your faulty defence mechanism leading to unnecessary assumptions.

Nothing can be as wonderful as being yourself in a relationship – the way you are with other men you don’t have feelings for or with your girlfriends.  Then why not with your man? Men always like women who are real. The trick lies in expressing instinctively and finding out what works for you to connect at that deep emotional level. Too bad no real emoticons to support our emotions in real life… J J

In continuation to my last week’s article on Emotional Intelligence (EI), I would like to share some more insight into human emotions. When I read about the latest concept of people hiring relatives or friends for hosting weddings, parties etc., for want of friends or relatives, to showcase their social circle, my first reaction to a very innovative business venture was – why does one need to pay or buy such a service? Why do some people find it so difficult to make friends and nurture friendships? Agreed, one cannot choose one’s relatives, but one can definitely have close ties with the ones we are bestowed with.

Another latest concept picking up is cuddle parties. Weird as it may sound, it is mushrooming in the west. People pay for cuddles to strangers. Again makes me think what kind of a world we are living in? We live in a so called modern world where more and more people interact through screens – small and large, where typed messages become easier than meeting and conversing with a person of flesh and blood, unfortunately sad but true. I am afraid a time will come when paying for emotional and physical connect may seem as common as paying for therapy.

Clichéd as it may sound, EI plays a vital role in our disposition towards making friends. Well, befriending someone is just step one. To make a friendship last, one needs to have all the core characteristics of EI, viz. self-awareness – one needs to be conscious of one’s emotions at all times, especially when interacting with people. Self-regulation is another characteristic, the ability to manage one’s emotions under pressure. All close relationships go through ups and downs. People with strong EI would be able to differentiate between the external and internal factors – within or in the person causing the upset and thereby dealing with it. Motivation is equally important. Here the art lies in converting a negative behaviour or a situation into a positive one. Positivity plays a big role in EI. Getting rid of negativity is an art, if mastered can really help one cope with any eventuality in life. Social skills help us in our interpersonal interactions by helping us communicate effectively. Last but not the least, empathy – the capacity to understand other’s emotions and respond to them sympathetically helps. It’s like an elixir for any relationship malfunction. People who can empathize, who can put themselves into others’ shoes and feel their emotions are always at an advantage.

Human beings are designed to be social. We aren’t called social animals for nothing. Virtual connect can facilitate a strong connection to a point. It can also help one form a new connection and bond. But no relationship can last if it doesn’t have a physical contact – not literally but being physically with the people who matter.

If the above stated characteristics are imbibed and a deliberate effort is made to use these in our day to day interpersonal dealings, making new friends and maintaining relationships would no longer be challenging.

By bringing the EI core to the fore, I hope we eliminate our need to connect only virtually and be with our loved ones more…

The ability to identify, manage and communicate one’s emotions at the same time being able to respond appropriately to the emotions of others is defined as Emotional Intelligence (EI). Emotional Quotient (EQ) or EI as it is popularly known, was always underestimated compared to the Intelligence Quotient (IQ). IQ is the measure of baseline intellect.

Students were and are still made to believe that academic achievements determine success in life. It is the key to a bright future. While good grades and a high IQ never hurt, they don’t guarantee prosperity and happiness in life. Psychologists have come to a conclusion that IQ accounts for only 10-25% of success. A better predictor of success is EQ. Research on Harvard pass outs showed that men with the highest scores were not as successful as their lower scoring peers in terms of their professional and personal satisfaction and happiness.

People with emotional intelligence are at an advantage in any domain of life – family, friendships, career or intimate relationships. These people are believed to be more content in life. They know how to deal with their emotions and of those around them.

Empathy is a very important part of EQ. It is the capacity to know how others feel and to sympathetically respond to them. Emotions are seldom conveyed through words. They are rather expressed through other channels like the tone of one’s voice, gestures and facial expressions. The art lies in interpreting these cues to understand the feelings of the other person. People adept at doing this have high EQ.

I know a gentleman; his empathetic feelings go back to his childhood. A classic example of how it manifests at a tender age. He was travelling with his father in a cycle rickshaw on a summer afternoon. After reaching their destination, the cycle rickshaw driver asked for an x amount. The father of this boy, a well off professional started haggling and insisted the driver was asking an unreasonable amount. The boy still remembers how he felt so bad for the driver. He thought the driver deserved every bit of the small amount that he was asking. After all he was putting in so much physical labour. He said, if he had the money that time, he would have just shelled out and given him. And till date this gentleman continues to be as empathetic as he was as a young boy. Speaks a lot about emotional intelligence and how it develops from childhood.

This small gesture bespeaks of an emotional skill – empathy, essential for the preservation of close relationships like marriage, friendship or a business deal. It develops in infants virtually from the time they are born. They get distressed on hearing other babies cry.

One can enhance one’s emotional intelligence at any time. But just as one needs to practice to excel at something, one has to work hard towards working on poor emotional patterns. It’s never too late to work on your emotions and develop a balanced emotional state. Emotional intelligence is an ongoing process. And we should all strive to consciously work towards attaining it. The art lies in being aware of one’s emotions, how to manage them under pressure, how to be motivated to change negative ones into positive ones and to be empathetic to others and understand them.

IQ is inborn but EQ can be cultivated…

Incompatibility is cited as the most common factor responsible for a relationship distress or breakup. Couples simply claim to be incompatible when it comes to any relationship malfunction. It is very easy to blame it on this very noun, but is the problem actually a result of incompatibility or an outcome of something else, is always difficult to gauge. Compatibility encompasses a wide range of feelings and characteristics, absolutely necessary for a healthy, happy and meaningful relationship. These range from like-mindedness, empathy, friendship, intelligence quotient, rapport, respect etc. Because of the multitude of these characteristics, many a time, some other factors are misinterpreted as incompatibility. Many couples feel they are incompatible, only to learn their past created a pattern that was structured to protect them at that point without being aware that the same pattern was the perpetrator of what the couple now perceived as an incompatible relationship. The issue here is not incompatibility, but past acting on the present. Similarly, there can many such external factors, not always responsible for incompatibility between couples.

Are you one of those who feels your compatibility is under question? Are you worried about your future as a result of the same? Along with its multiple attributes, incompatibility comes in various forms and can be very challenging to a couple equation. Here are but a few pointers which could help you understand your compatibility quotient better:

• Life goals – purpose of life, mission, ambition, e.g. parenting style and geographical preferences
• Life philosophies – core values, beliefs and needs
• Sexual alignment – attraction, frequency, openness and adventure
• Relationship dynamics – expectations vs reality
• Experience vs outlook – experience based future projections
• Intelligence quotient – major differences in intellect baseline
• Emotional quotient – childhood and past experiences, inherent nature to deal with emotions of others as well as oneself.

A couple is never expected to be on the same page with each other from day one, as far as these pointers are concerned. Two individuals enter a relationship with different sets of ideologies, thoughts and principles. Hence the differences are always challenging to be settled. But gradually they need to be worked upon and reduced if not removed completely. Stark differences in these indicators can be a sign of red flagged relationship. Incompatibility at work!!

A relationship goes through a cyclical pattern of association, interaction, attraction, familiarization and adaptation. The last two phases are always dicey as far as maintaining healthy compatibility is concerned. These are also the best times to test the waters of your relationship compatibility. There comes a stage in a relationship, where because of unresolved conflicts, one or both partners feel the need to protect themselves from the other. If the couple’s equation is incompatible, it will take the form of defensiveness, withdrawal, contempt or criticism. Compatible couples will have no problems to weather a rocky relationship phase.

Most of the couples are never prepared to face the turmoil when things go wrong.  The sad part is, most of them don’t even realise the need of developing a relationship success model. Theoretical as it may sound, basic skills like trust, understanding, clarity, care, needs, intent et al. enveloped in a model can help deal with almost all kinds of compatibility issues. Prudence lies in being astute about your relationship instead of turning a blind eye to the negatives. ‘What counts in making a happy relationship is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility’. After all, relationship compatibility can be a liability…

I have seen so many women give up on love after failure of a serious relationship. I know a lady, who after meeting an interesting man, would feel very optimistic about him. There would be mutual attraction and in no time they would be in a relationship. Her initial feeling would be of hope and optimism. But over a period of time, she would be told that he considers her to be only a really good ‘friend’, or would start seeing other women or become less affectionate with time and finally walk out. She would be left nursing a broken heart and the story would repeat itself each time.

It can be very daunting to get into a new relationship each time and that too on a clean slate – without carrying the baggage from the past relationship/s that unfortunately haven’t worked. The pain from the past always colours the vision of the present. It can make one lose faith in love, relationship and marriage. But still the need to be loved, get married and have a family make most of the girls/women put up with a lot from men, especially if their relationship track record is not very encouraging. One of the main reasons for their relationship failure is this mentality to continually compromise. I have been a witness to a guy flirting with his female friends right in front of his girlfriend. She being mortified to even express her feelings of jealousy, out of sheer fear of a break off, sat there in silence. These kind of instances leave a terrible taste in the mouth which come from being hurt time and again. The fault lies within the woman and not the man she is seeing.

By accepting the wrong behaviour and treating a man as if he matters more than one’s feelings and self-respect isn’t very attractive and definitely not appealing to a man one is involved with. It only makes one appear needy and clingy and a little too forgiving to issues which are absolutely not acceptable, not even to him. It simply turns off a man in the long run. Even if it doesn’t, it is extremely unhealthy for a lasting relationship. And this pattern gets repetitive with each new relationship.

By working on a couple of very important inherent traits, a woman can certainly fix this ‘relationship going haywire’ syndrome. Attitude and self- esteem, along with self-respect play a vital role here. One needs to rise above the negativity by bringing in changes in these aspects. It will not only make the woman feel more energetic and empowered towards the relationship but also make her more relaxed around him. The aura which flows from self-confidence is tremendous. This will help her become more realistic and thus true to herself. The denouement –  incredible attention from him. Don’t wait another day to feel better about yourself. Never get desperate to have his attention. Work around your strengths and stop feeling hopeless.

Nobody is perfect. But the individuality you have is second to none. It is unique. When you reflect this in your demeanour, it will automatically bring a man close to you, naturally – by being yourself and not changing for anyone.  All you need to do is turn your mindset around to turn your relationship around. One good turn deserves another…