Author Archives: Sagarika Shah

Of late there has been an escalation in Sudden Divorce Syndrome (SDS) cases. As the name suggests, it involves taking a sudden decision about going in for divorce. But the peculiarity about this kind of divorce is that it is gender specific. It is restricted to only women. Multiple factors come to play here. It’s an outcome of years of discontentment and distress in a marriage. Men and women are wired differently, they have different ways of dealing with their emotions and expressing their feelings, especially in a marriage. After the newness of a marriage wears off, the relationship has all chances of getting mundane. Monotony sets it. Expression of love and affection is taken for granted. It becomes an ‘understood given’. So when a wife feels that things are going out of hand and when she points it out, the reaction or response determines the future state of marriage. Initially she might be heard and temporarily things become better. But in no time its back to square one. It’s about communicating one’s expectations, fears, thoughts, concerns, insecurities, dreams et. al. Usually she is labelled a nag to keep talking about her feelings. Her emotional outbursts are perceived as complaints. Slowly, she stops sharing her thoughts thinking that they don’t go down too well with him. Over the years when these feelings stop getting a vent and have percolated deeply into her system, it becomes unbearable.

Husbands don’t deliberately overlook their wives’ thoughts. Given the stressful times of today even they are struggling to find a means to their ends. It’s never easy when time is the biggest constraint. When a wife stops expressing her anxieties it is often misperceived as contentment. They feel everything is hunky dory. But the sad reality is they have no inkling about their wife’s state of mind. And when the wife suddenly announces her decision to break up, they are completely caught off the cuff. They are shaken up when the reality sets in. Panic mode sets in and they scramble to seek professional help to fix their already ‘broken beyond fixing marriage’. But, the wife has made up her mind. She’s done with the marriage.

No relationship can go sour overnight. Deep seated emotions need to be expressed, heard and validated. Pent up feelings and emotions over the years lead to such a situation. A two-way communication is extremely important for any relationship to work.

As much as SDS is a universal with women, my question is why should women bear the brunt of a mundane marriage? I would also like to stress upon the factor which makes women more susceptible to this. it’s the time factor. One always tends to take people with more time for granted. But when one realises that time is a constraint even for one’s partner, one would go that extra mile to be with him/her. So, my advice to all women is to lead a busy life. Work hard and cultivate a passion for something.  Why think of SDS, when there are ways and means of dealing with your situation in a much better an effective way? It’s not the fall that kills you, it’s the sudden step at the end – ergo no sudden decision about divorce!!!!

“My boyfriend used to be so warm and generous in showering his affection and of late he’s not what he used to be.” My wife used to be so exuberant, would go out of her way to do things for me. There is a marked difference in her behaviour these days.” Have you ever wondered why your partner has stopped opening up like before and seems emotionally withdrawn?  Do you feel the affection has gone down because of conflicts and poor communication? Is there something missing which was there before? Do you have to struggle to get your partner’s undivided attention? Relationships follow a cyclical pattern of ups and downs. If you love a person and share yourself with him/her, it is equally important to be able to express your feelings and emotions completely without being judged. One of the sad but true realities of today with people is they never have the kind of relationship they wish to have wherein they can freely express and don’t have to emote. These problems can easily and effortlessly be addressed with a few changes in one’s approach.

First and foremost, one should always start with taking the time out for each other. With technology now being constantly available and daily stresses constantly weighing people down, one may need to find time to actually concentrate on each other. Even one hour a day of quality time can make a huge difference to the quality of a relationship. Next comes expression, since it holds the key to a relationship status. Losing one’s centre during a conflict and letting fears, insecurities and emotions dominate something which wouldn’t be important after a few hours or days, can be responsible for partner’s gradual detachment.  While these are absolutely critical to share, how you convey them has tremendous power. These emotions have the power to connect or disconnect you with your loved one.

Experience is another key element which can make or break a relationship. Negative feelings are a given in any relationship. How you handle these determines the kind of experience you create.  Two people bring different set of ideas and feelings into a relationship. With these come their own share of differences. Majority of people will always think about the worst when in distress. This leads to pressing the wrong buttons and getting nervous and upset unnecessarily, breeding distance and contempt. Analysing each and every move of your partner or yourself can only spell trouble. So when your partner doesn’t return your call, instead of thinking about the worst, give it a positive meaning. Imagine they are caught up with their own issues and it’s not about you. Finally, when they call it’s going to be even more interesting since it’s taken so long to catch up with each other. Positive people are attractive people and they can make great lasting relationships.

It is very essential to have a conscious relationship to enjoy the magical bond of closeness. When I say conscious, I want to reiterate being always aware about the significance of your relationship and having the constant drive to make it better; thereby never letting your partner draw back. It takes practice to make this a habit – especially if it is not your disposition. Start by being positive about yourself when on your own and gradually it will rub on to your relationship. Don’t practice until you get it right. Practice until you can’t get it wrong.

A girl in her mid-twenties visited me once complaining that she’s having difficulties being around with her best friend for years. She found it difficult to maintain the closeness that she shared with her friend until recently. She felt that the friend had stopped sharing her life details with her as she once used to and that was disturbing her to quite an extent. She had come to me for guidance on how to improve her relationship with her friend. Just when she felt everything was getting back to normal, something would trigger and her friend would react very sharply and get emotionally perturbed and the relationship would once again take a beating.  She’s insecure that the friend doesn’t really care for her anymore.

Human psyche doesn’t allow us to keep all our relationships at the same level of intensity they start with. Of course it is always a privilege to have a long association with a friend. But in the process, some things change and some things remain the same. So when it feels that the things are not what they used to be in any friendship, it sets off a warning bell. It’s perfectly alright to have this kind of a feeling occasionally. Everyone goes through some problems in life and it is in those moments that the friendship tends to take a back seat. But if it becomes recurrent in nature, it can be a sign of friendship incompatibility.

Longevity alone can never make a friendship work. It takes a lot of understanding, patience and tolerance to nurture a meaningful friendship. A friendship can be a great self-esteem booster when you know that you won’t be judged and taken for granted. But if a friend is making you unhappy and negatively affecting your life, escaping from it through avoidance will only make it more insurmountable.

Research shows that when times are tough, friends can play a major role in improving our wellbeing. Survival rate in terminally ill patients is four times more for those who are surrounded by true friends. Same is true for patients with cardiac history. They recover faster and better if they have good friends in their support system. Is your friend there for you when you need him/her and vice versa? Is he/she or you very demanding? If the answer to these questions is yes and no respectively, you are on the right track. The core of any relationship is to stick by each other through thick and thin – from beers to tears.

Resolving conflicts between friends in school is very simple but fixing it in adulthood can be daunting. Hence talking it over would any day be a better proposition than avoiding the situation. Explaining reasons for feeling upset can be conveyed. Instead of being confrontational, calmly listening to what the other has to say can make a lot of difference. Like in any relationship, giving space is the mantra for a lasting friendship and hence after making your point, one should wait for the friend to make the next move. Give your friend the space and time to resolve his/ her inner conflicts. If your worth and feelings are not acknowledged and validated, it’s time to move on. Not everyone you lose is a loss.

Communication has always been an ever evolving process. It has metamorphosed in last fifty years. If we look at it from a couple’s perspective, it has drastically altered from what it used to be about five decades ago. Majority of marriages, in those times, mostly arranged, hardly saw any communication between prospective brides and grooms, especially after their betrothal. Post marriage, there was some communication, generally one sided with the submissive wife perennially playing the role of a listener. It changed for the better about a couple of decades ago, when couples started opening up relatively more. Apart from telephonic conversations, love letters became popular and greeting cards came into being. Today, the scenario is completely different. The advent of the internet has led to a revolution in communication. Snail mail is replaced by emails. Internet chatting and social media have monopolised the entire communication network. Despite so many avenues being available, paradoxically, the patterns of communication have seen a decline in the number of couples connecting with each other through traditional ways. As a result, it has lost its flavour and touch – has become more synthetic than natural.

I would like to highlight the other side of communication which may go against the grain for many, but I feel negative communication is better than no communication. Astounding as it may sound, it is true! Thanks to the digital communication, genuine conversations are getting all dried up. Emotions are never reflected rightly, making it very easy for misunderstandings to creep in, taking a toll on couples and their relationships. In fact, tumultuous times are the times when communication is the most important and necessary, however daunting it may seem.

It’s natural for couples to be wary of getting embroiled in a tiff which would lead to unpleasantness and hence would choose withdrawal to confrontation. But a relationship dies an unnatural death when both partners stop or reduce communicating. Any disagreement would always mean the communication will turn negative somewhere. Wanting to resolve the differences, even at the cost of arguing merely proves, the relationship is valued. Fighting is an effort towards keeping the relationship alive. It’s a sign that it is healthy. After a conflict when both partners cool down and reflect on what transpired, they are always in a better position to dialogue with the issues which got them there in the first place. So, negative can be a positive at such times.

Expression of emotions – good or bad is a form of communication too. Again expressing oneself is not enough for a relationship to work. Expression needs a response and both can take a negative tone. A tell-tale sign of a relationship going haywire is when expression or response takes a back seat.

Communication is the essence of any relationship. Effective communication always resets a distressed relationship. Being forthright, honest and open about sharing what’s important, will help save a lot of relationships from becoming sour. Partners are no mind readers. Unless the thoughts are not put across – either positive or negative, one would never be able to gauge what’s going on in each other’s minds, affecting relationships.

Before it gets late, communicate with your mate!!!!

A wife to her friend, “I’m so fed up with my husband. He’s keeping an eye on me like a hawk. Acts like a detective.” A husband to his friend, “I owe my beautiful life to my dear wife.  She makes me feel so complete. I am a lucky guy.” An unmarried friend, “I am so lonely. I wish I had someone to share my joys and griefs with.” A happy bachelor, “it’s finally holiday time and I am off hiking to the mountains on my own. I am so looking forward to the trip. These are just some common dialogues shared by people with different relationship status – portraying the implications of various relationships

Delving deeper into the psyche of people not quite fascinated by the institution of marriage brings about some interesting facts.  Will start with the unmarried couples in steady relationships. These are couples who are either co-habiting with each other or are in a steady relationship while living independently. General outlook would question the functioning of these marriage simulated couples and their lack of keenness to have a stamp of legal endorsement on their relationship. The stereotypical generalization would put women in a loser’s camp, mindful of their chronological and biological age – as if a woman is born to be only a wife and mother. A generality far from the real today. Statistics say, women are equally if not more reluctant to commit. Courtesy their economic and social independence. A good bank balance from a well-paid occupation and a wonderful support system of family and friends provide support in times of distress.  They refuse to get bound in an alliance, thereby restricting their growth and movement. Similarly, for men, who may not be afraid to commit, feel the irrelevance of marital authorization for a lasting relationship. If it has to, it will – no piece of paper can be a reliable predictor of its success or failure, is the generic view. These are the people who are averse to a marriage but not to their relationship, which gives them all the benefits of matrimony without being into one.

Why do singles remain single? A matter of choice, chance, conditions or compulsions? Can be a sum of all or one. Independence, ease of no encumbrances and freedom to be, can be very appealing. What drives their system that deviates them from the usual?  A series of unpleasant past experiences, degree of parental harmony, influence of distraught couples and their woes, et.al. All these go against their grain to bear constant naggings, jealousies, possessiveness, explanations and justifications at every step.  On and off relationships are no big deal for them. There is a strong deep seated need to control or to be in control. These kind of people are certainly better off being on their own. Getting hitched would not only spell trouble for them but also for their prospective partner.

Not everyone needs to conform to the norms of the society by getting married. Perceived differences on life and marriage can act as a catalyst in the decision making.  Sources of happiness are different to different people.  Marriage is no longer a milestone of personal achievement and happiness. It yields different meaning to people. After all, happiness is relative. What is your happiness? To marry or not to marry/ single – to be or not to be??

The latest in the world of relationship therapy is the concept of ‘Relationship Review’. Couples, regardless of their relationship status have started seeking professional help to strengthen their relationship. It’s basically to alert couples to check if they are in trouble and need to seek help before damage has occurred. Apart from couples facing some distress between them, these are also couples who have a smooth going but aim to iron out even the smallest of differences which eventually snowball into much larger ones. Relationships and mental health are correlated. Couples have started realizing the importance of healthy relationships. Maintaining one’s mental equilibrium can be a task, given the stressful times one lives in. A meaningful relationship acts like an anchor and provides the much needed support system in trying times.

Relationship review is a lot like performance review or appraisal. It is an evaluation of one’s relationship. But unlike a work appraisal, there is no right or wrong here. The frequency of these reviews can differ from couple to couple and depend on the nature and duration of the relationship.

A relationship review would provide couples with systematic feedback about the state of their relationship. For each partner, the review would deliver a precise report of their level of satisfaction with respect to their relationship and with the specific behaviour of the other partner. For example, a wife might report high levels of satisfaction generally, but may express some dissatisfaction towards her husband’s slovenliness. Or a generally satisfied husband may indicate concern about his wife’s splurging beyond his level of comfort. These are some of the issues one would expect to see in normally content marriages/relationships and they provide maps for improvement to make the bond stronger.

Relationship review is based on the premise that the earlier the problem is surfaced and talked about, the greater the chances of improving it – to make it last. It includes questions as basic as time spent together, alone, with immediate family, at work, and on entertainment. Does the relationship constitute a positive and healthy environment? How is the accessibility between the couple, their responsiveness and emotional engagement with each other? Communication is another extremely important parameter in couple assessment. Emphasising the significance of communication is never enough as far as relationships go. What and how are the communicating patterns between the couple? It has been proved that negative communication is better than zero communication. “Couples have lost the art of communication. If you don’t use it, you lose it,” says a prominent psychologist.

Despite the availability of standard relationship reviews, an ideal review format should include questions based on an initial analysis of the couple. Questions relevant to a pair may not be so to another. It becomes very vital to have a customised questionnaire keeping the reviewing couple in mind.

Familiarity puts a relationship on auto-pilot, leading to faded attention and interest. A review will precisely help you reset the compass of your relationship. It will help couples get a reality check on their relationship, set goals and make necessary adjustments. Feeling intimate, accepted and emotionally connected is a wonderful part of a healthy relationship, and such check-ups help facilitate these qualities.

Who would have ever thought of relationships and reviews going hand in hand????

‘The husband’s father’s wife (who is not his mother, but the father’s second or third wife) also happens to be the wife’s mother’s sister. Their children are a sum of their children as well as the children from their previous marriage/s. So apart from being the step siblings, they are also cousins.’ This is how a couple’s background/history read when presented for analysis on my last trip to London. Every time I go to the UK, my tendency to point out the differences between the country I visit and the country I live in, gets into an overdrive. The variances are aplenty and highlight the cultural, social and psychosexual differences. Deciphering such cases while trying to register these multiple relationships at various levels can certainly be taxing as opposed to the cases in our country where relationships are STILL at a much simpler level. Of course with the rising number of divorces, relationships are getting compound than they were earlier.

The afore mentioned case always makes me wonder about the nature of the problems faced by couples abroad compared to ours. Cultural differences can pronounce a problem so differently. While over there it can be anything ranging from a non-supportive spouse who is not lending a hand at home, to parenting problems, teenage pregnancies causing friction between the couple, same sex couple conflict to sexual dysfunction. Although the underlying factors affecting a relationship would more or less be the same, the kind of relationship problems we face in our culture are so very different. It is generally related to gender inequality, in-laws related issues, extra marital affairs and relationship distress due to internet addiction. It makes me marvel how similar issues faced by couples living across borders could have a different impact on the relationships purely based on cultural differences. So many things taken for granted in one culture can spell problems in another. Ironic indeed!!

With mutual consent, all it takes is eight weeks for a divorce to fall through in the U.K., justifying an increasing divorce rate. Whereas in India it can sometimes take a lifetime to come through. Seeking companionship after a certain age without a legal endorsement is common to counter loneliness. Seeing someone in one’s fifties, sixties or even the seventies is very normal.  Older people are not frowned upon by the society to fall and feel in love. I admire this openness to express one’s feelings at any stage of one’s life. To accept this kind of a reality in our country is still a distant dream. Things are changing but only in certain parts of the country. It is a paradox that the sacrifice couples make for the sake of their children by continuing in a dead or a stuck marriage in our society is something completely incomprehensible in the west. Seeking relationship support services over there is a given at the slightest indication of a relationship malfunction – simply showcasing the significance of having a healthy relationship unlike in India where it is still considered a social taboo.

I couldn’t take my eyes off two of my co therapists – both doctoral students, in their sixties and head over heels in love with each other. Love has no age, no limit and no end… The same world but different tones.

The term ‘me time’ came into vogue about a decade ago. Its importance was brought to the fore by experts from the mental wellness fraternity world-wide who couldn’t stop emphasizing its benefits – to counter stress, facilitate decision making, problem solving through insightful thinking, enhance relationships and increase concentration and efficiency. Too bad, indulging in it still continues to be a challenge for most, especially those in relationships.

The most distorted thinking while in a relationship is the tendency for couples to feel compulsive about staying together continuously.  The first thing that comes to my mind is the concept of ‘merged couples’ – an expression given to couples who have lost their sense of individuality, lost the space in between and operate as one. They are like two peas in a pod, never apart. The result – over dependence, feeling of being stifled and taken for granted, decreased attraction and increased clinginess. Mark of an unhealthy relationship.

The strong need for one’s own space should never be undermined. Being in love cannot eradicate the want for one’s own time. For that matter, spending every single moment with one’s partner neither justifies nor guarantees a flawless relationship either. So, the question remains – what should be the ideal balance between ‘we time’ and ‘me time’?  While its very natural and normal for couples to spend 24/7 with each other in a new relationship, striking the right balance between the two is never easy. If 100 percent is a lot, zero is a lot less. New couples must learn to navigate their time together with some ‘me time’ and spending time with family and friends. Availability of couples to their pre-existing relationships decline. As a result, other relationships take a back seat. These are the same relationships which would provide the much required support when they go through turbulent times.

When one partner takes some time alone, the significant other may feel like they have to fight their way on to their partner’s schedule. We can attribute this to men and women being wired differently. Studies show that women are more prone to spending increased amount of time with their partner, while men are like rubber bands. Intimacy and independence go hand in hand for them. So they naturally tend to go back and forth to their original interests and hobbies from time to time.

It is impossible to fulfil each and every need of one’s partner. ‘Me time’ can beautifully substitute and complement some of these unfulfilled needs. Various aspects underlying the need for personal space range from fear of demystification, anxiety about being abandoned or left heartbroken – if remained too invested in a relationship, to compromising on activities of interest, inducing a feeling of giving up something – a feeling synonymous to giving up one’s identity. Sometimes mere suffocation creates the need to take a break. A sure shot way to breed resentment and emotional distance into one’s relationship.

Guilt deters people from not taking that crucial time for themselves. But once it is pursued and the resultant outcome effective, one realises the value of this opportunity to be an individual again. It gives a sense of privacy, independence and self-fulfilment. What better way to recharge one’s emotional batteries, which are inevitably drained at some point in a relationship?

‘Me time’ gives you the biggest platform to be yourself, so even if it’s only ‘tea time’ for starters, take that break and enjoy your cuppa…

Airport terminals normally witness two kinds of passengers. The ones who effortlessly check-in their bags and the ones who are struggling to lug their bags to check-in counters. Passengers traveling light never have to worry about their excess weight. While the latter are always hoping their excess baggage would fall within the stipulated airline limits –  inducing anxiety to dodge the extra charges.

Are you struggling to share your emotions with your partner? Are your past experiences weighing you down? Are you full of self-doubt? Are you making unfounded assumptions about your partner? If the answer to any one or all of these questions is affirmative, you too could be carrying that extra baggage with you. Memories of the past which a person carries consciously or unconsciously and which continue to control his/her present can be defined as emotional baggage. It could be anyone or anything who/which has outlived its shelf life and has turned into an unnecessary burden.

Carting too much weight from the past can be a real relationship turnoff. Our unpleasant past dictates our present. It is responsible for our actions and reactions, thoughts and choices. The previous experiences we carry don’t allow us to live our lives to the fullest. Fear of being hurt again restricts our expression. Our reactions to our past trials and tribulations are not fair on our present relationship. And it’s not always about the unpleasant experiences. Even fond memories can act as an obstacle to one’s current relationship. It becomes a benchmark and limits one’s appreciation for new one.

Particular aspects of our personality like our habits, ego, idiosyncrasies, projections, coping and defence mechanisms make us hold on to the past, forming set patterns to be repeated at every stage of a relationship cycle. Holding on to one’s ex can be something similar. How many times have we seen divorced individuals talking about their ex-spouse? Despite being in a new relationship, they can’t let go of their ex. Children in abusive families often grow up as abusive parents themselves. Painful childhood experiences are so ingrained that they are projected onto their family – knowingly or unknowingly. Studies in neuro science have established the paradoxical nature of the human brain. It is prone to affection and protection at the same time. It is constantly struggling to get close at the same time wanting to protect itself from any pain. A bitter marriage would make things difficult for a remarriage. Strong need for proximity and affection would intermittently be replaced by feelings of fear and insecurity.

Lingering issues from the past need to be addressed. The problem is not with the issues but how we deal with them. Nobody comes baggage free into a relationship. But if old problems which still weigh you down are used as learning tools, you can certainly get rid of a lot of extras. A three step approach can effectively help us de-clutter: Realisation – Acceptance – Implementation

Embracing the reality by being honest about your feelings is the first step to realization. And with realization comes the need to assess if the goal is worth the effort. It leads to acceptance which is an imperative part of the healing process. Resisting it only perpetuates it. We need to acknowledge what triggered the hurt and be ready to open ourselves up. It’s never easy to be vulnerable in a relationship. But it is the same vulnerability which forms the basis of a well-founded and healthy relationship. Communication is the key for making the much required shift. Expressing ourselves to someone who can truly listen to us, validate our feelings and experience, show compassion, support, encouragement and understanding can certainly facilitate the implementation.

Travelling with zero access baggage will certainly make your trip worthwhile. How about carrying an extra handbag though???

Every time I hear the term parasite, the therapist in me can’t help comparing it to relationships, particularly marriages. A parasite lives off a host and exploits it for important resources required for its survival and gives nothing in return. Similarly, a parasitic relationship will drain your emotional strength, composure, time and money. It’s easy to identify these kinds of relationships, but if not quickly spotted, it can spell trouble in the long run. A few pointers to watch out for in a relationship, if you haven’t so far.

Depleting energy levels – spending time with one’s partner should be about renewed and refreshed energy. If you feel drained mentally and physically by the time you have spent substantial time with your partner, your relationship is red flagged.

Unreasonable dependence – all relationships are about give and take. But if you feel that yours is lopsided with only one partner granting all the favours, it’s time to rethink.

One sided needs fullfilment – if your partner is feeding his/her needs without any regard for yours, it’s very unhealthy.

Emotional imbalance – the way a person handles his or her emotions says a lot about them. Frequent temper tantrums, uncontrolled anger, over sensitivity, mood swings are all tell-tale signs of a parasite.

Full of oneself – If you are reduced to only being a listener all the time, while majority of talking is done by your partner, you are in trouble. With hardly any words of appreciation for you, your feelings always take a backseat.

Constant need for love, approval and recognition – the scales are never even here.  They only want and need you to reiterate and profess your love for them all the time.

With these pointers, hopefully you wouldn’t fall prey to a parasite. It’s crucial to recognise them sooner rather than later.

Parasites have characteristics which are very distinct yet similar to normal people. One needs to learn the art of getting an insight into their behaviour.

First and foremost, they are very much into you and at times with some obsessive streaks. Once they receive what they want, they would temporarily withdraw. Guilt is something which they can very well play around with. They don’t hold any guilt but are adept at inciting guilt in the partner. They can be quite melodramatic and can shrug responsibilities easily. Manipulation is their second nature and play the blame game all the time. Self-pity and sympathy are two very distinctive traits in them.

Negative past experiences – unpleasant upbringing, difficult past relationships, deep-seated hurt or even a faulty reinforcement pattern from early childhood can lead to low self-esteem, immaturity and inferiority complex. These are manifested in their parasitic behaviour. It’s one kind of coping or defence mechanism to deal with these troubled experiences at the conscious and subconscious levels.

Relationships are meant to be mutual. Both the partners get into a relationship with the hope of getting love, affection, attention, companionship, financial security and stability along with social and emotional benefits. When the pairing is not mutually beneficial, with only one partner delivering, it is time to rethink about the relationship. A parasite can destroy your identity and individuality.  Timely professional intervention can certainly help mend your relationship. A stitch in time saves nine.