A couple came to me with two different problems. The man was very possessive about his girlfriend and was always insecure about being dumped. He was well aware of his behaviour coming in the way of his relationship. She on the other hand was committed to him and the relationship. She loved him but of late, his behaviour was getting on to her. She admitted she had started getting attracted to guys who showcased a different set of behaviour – made her realize her ability to breathe freely. She couldn’t help comparing her man with other guys. His possessiveness had a cascading negative effect on other aspects of their equation. It was making her feel stifled. She needed help to deal with this attraction and tendencies which she hoped were temporary.
The man’s possessiveness and insecurities were a result of his childhood experiences which were more unpleasant rather than traumatic. The woman was aware of it and hence continued to be understanding. One sided understanding can never even the scales of a balanced relationship. She wanted to make the relationship work more out of pity for her boyfriend rather than the emotions she felt for him at the onset of the relationship. His behaviour was responsible for her falling out of love. She wanted it to work more out of concern towards him – what would happen to him if she left him?
Compassion and sympathy are undoubtedly good traits, but a commitment based on such traits is never good. The decision to stay can have a short-term benefit but from long-term point of view, it can work against the relationship.
A person who needs help with behaviour modification should have a supportive partner is an absolute no-brainer. But the partner of such a person should wait for him/her provided the person going through modification starts taking baby steps in the right direction. One can be patient only with some perceptible positive signs. There is a difference between supporting and dealing with one’s partner and his/her behavioural issues. When the support starts being taken for granted, dealing with the situation becomes taxing. Any relationship which takes a mental or physical toll on yourself is not worth it. Help your partner but in the process don’t forget to help yourself. If you are not happy you can never make your partner happy. Happy to help???!!!!!