Who torments you – your partner or you?

I know it can be very painful to see a relationship that started off so well, go down the tubes. One of my recent clients told me that his girlfriend had stopped being her old loving self and he was feeling miserable about it. He was neither able to sleep nor eat. He had been crying all day and wanted to get out of this phase of suffering which his girlfriend had subjected him to. I didn’t agree there. In fact, he was the one who’s inflicting so much pain on himself.

All human beings are like rubber bands. They tend to run hot and cold in different degrees, depending on their genetic and environmental constitution. And this tendency which is seen more in intimate relationships, can keep you off balance. So, my client’s girlfriend may have her reasons to pull away. May be her personal reasons kept her from sharing them with him. Some people are not wired to share their problems with others. May be, she was feeling too suffocated in her relationship and needed some time on her own. Everyone does. The reasons can be many. Instead of taking things personally and giving time, people start presuming it’s over and that can cause more damage to the relationship.

The biggest mistake that most people make when their partners withdraw, is they start feeling insecure and start scouting for more attention from them. Why did he/she pull away? How can someone pull away in the most loving relationships? If pulling away happens often in your relationship, you need to understand, it’s a disposition of that person. As long as they return to you, you should feel secure and confident. But instead of doing that, most partners start thinking and working in an overdrive, as if the pulling away triggers some insecurity. This very insecurity makes them push more towards their withdrawn partners, which puts them off further, which in turn makes them pull away more. It becomes a vicious cycle.

Your love and warm presence is enough to keep the relationship going when your partner withdraws. Give him or her sometime to get over it. Do not presume that you are the reason for their withdrawal. Even if you are, just give it time. if you don’t, you will spoil the chances of it getting back to normal. After all no one likes a parasite. Do not get stifled in your relationship. Breathe and let breathe. Give and take space for your relationship to blossom.