Author Archives: Sagarika Shah

Most of our clients who come to us want to resolve their relationships. Some being referred through the system –   divorce courts, where most of them are looking for a quick formal tick in the box of going through the process.  Just what the doctor ordered, just what the law mandates. A necessary evil, a formality they need to go through to end their agony of a painful marriage.

It is for these people that I advise, there is hope.

While most of us recognize that relationships have their ups and down, the ones as long term and intense as marriage especially do. And when the path is only downhill we choose to ignore the descent. Why wait for the touchdown to ask ourselves, “Is it really over?”

Statistics show that those who marry later in their lives have longer and healthier relationships. This is especially relevant in a country where most of us marry young.

We marry even before knowing who we are as a person, trying to know what we’re looking for in a partner is a tall order at that stage.

Life evolves, in most cases, quite rapidly. Time moves fast. We change. But we don’t stop and look at the relationship issues that we may have with someone. Someone who we thought was a perfect match some seasons ago, only to realize that it’s us as much as them at fault – if not more than the mess the relationship is in. The reason we need to consciously stop and observe the changes in ourselves as a third person or recruit a friend to do so is probably because that’s what’s causing the relationship to go through a dark tunnel with no light visible at the end of it. If we’re not careful, the train picks up pace and before we know it, it’s at a cliff edge, hanging in a precarious position where most of us just want to let the seemingly extra baggage go, as painful as it might be to say goodbye to save the train of our life.

We should’ve done this sooner but at some point through this process of throwing the extra baggage out we do realize that there might be an alternative ending to this story. A story with a happy ever after. But we’re too pessimistic at this point to try and attempt a rescue attempt.

Our work, with a lot of our clients, has led us to believe that it isn’t over until it’s over and the train of marriage is long and the links holding the carriages though not weak, can be further strengthened. More so when children are involved. All it takes is some work of patience and a lot of self-belief, a bit of a faith in the institution of marriage and a lot of trust in the partner. If not easy, neither difficult.  Absolutely achievable.

‘Must have been love but it’s not over now…’

With Valentine’s Day round the corner,  last week was quite unprecedented. Contrary to my expectations of seeing couples, I ended up seeing a lot of singles ready to mingle. With differences in degrees, their issues were all centred on only one thing – what attracts a guy to a girl and vice versa?

I wish it was something as easy as: “who’s your favourite cricketer or what’s your favourite film, sport, book etc.?” I was trying to drive home the point that ‘one size fits all’ doesn’t apply here. A quality which attracts one person to another, may not work on someone else. Had that been the case, out of thousands of people we interact with, why would only one person touch the chord of our heart? But since they had taken the trouble of coming to me, that too with great anticipations, I tried to come up with some relevant answers, hoping to make some difference to them and their relationships.

First and foremost, attraction is something totally relative. And since men and women are wired differently, what attracts a woman to a man can be very different from what attracts a man to a woman. Ladies first – it is rather  difficult to pinpoint a singular aspect about men that appeals universally to all girls/women, but being a woman, the most honest answer I can come up with  is really simple. Normally a woman is attracted to a man who is attracted to her. Period. No beating around the bush here. Haven’t we heard, ‘a man chases a woman until she catches him’? Other attributes like grooming, sophistication, hygiene, looks, chiselled body and sense of humour follow suit. Loyalty again can be a game changer. Delving deeper into their psyche reveals an interesting fact. It is learnt that they are so much in love with themselves that any external force adding to their self-love and esteem certainly works. They like to be complimented – but not in humdrum ways like: “you are very pretty or stunning.” They keep hearing that all the time. Action speaks louder than words. So instead of telling her something, doing something is a better bet. Maybe like just texting her at unexpected hours or amidst one’s busy schedule to convince her she is being thought about. Small gestures go a long way in making her feel wanted, no matter what. So guys, if you play your cards well, she can be smitten and how!

The prescription is pretty different as far as men are concerned. Ladies, please get over the clichéd list of long hair and neck, beautiful eyes and face. A woman’s sex appeal scores the highest in terms of all her other attributes. And the sex appeal doesn’t always ooze from her physical beauty. Her intellectual, emotional and social bearings speak volumes. It’s reflected through her persona – proving ‘beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder’ to the core. While opposites attract, men with opposing personalities often have opposing deficiencies and strengths. Trying to meet those through their women is what strongly holds them on to them.  As much as sweetness and good nature are a big turn on, clinginess and possessive can be a big turn off. So girls, even your scales to balance it out.

Valentine’s Day is over. I hope these relationship nuggets are fine to help you wine & dine and shine like turpentine with your valentine – not just today but everyday…

A recently attended conference on same sex couples really got me reflect on their bearings. My experience of dealing with them was pretty intriguing and enlightening in Europe – South East Asia being no different. While it is still a taboo to even open up about one’s sexual preferences in our country, discussing the intricacies of relationships between the two is almost implausible.

A client I was seeing had a rift with his partner. One would easily believe that the nature of their problems would be different to heterosexual couples – interestingly they aren’t! And the list would pretty much resonate the same as heterosexual couples. Commitment phobia to differences in seeking commitments, insecurities, jealousies, inadequacies et al. top the list of common conflicts. My client had broken up with his partner and was devastated. After courting each other for a couple of years, they had drifted apart. It was a long distance relationship. Frequent meetings dwindled to a few and finally nil.

A striking difference between these couples and the rest is the high commitment levels they invest while in their relationship. One of the main dynamics contributing to this phenomenon is the limited choice they have to get involved. Compared to wider choices the heterosexual couples enjoy, finding a partner matching one’s tendencies and nature becomes a bit challenging. There is a constant anxiety of a relationship malfunction looming over an uncertain future. Resultant anxiety sometimes has a cascading effect on other aspects of their relationship.  It becomes a cause of trouble rather than a consequence of trouble, breeding insecurity extensively. With no guarantee to find someone sharing the same views, wavelength, rapport and feelings, the insecurity gives birth to fears, tensions, frustrations, pressures and anxieties. My client was no different. Fear of the unknown had catapulted him almost to the brink of a nervous breakdown.

I have realized that same sex couples require a little extra insight beyond normally required for heterosexual couples, since they have far more additional stressors ranging from personal, social to religious. Despite similar nature of problems, their conflicts have a bit more sensitivities only to be handled sensitively. Discrimination (at all levels) would play a key role in the personal challenges faced by most. Family support playing the biggest rider, considering their social dilemmas and quandaries, can certainly be a universal elixir for all – same as well as hetero.  More the positive outlook of the family, better the coping mechanism, especially in terms of openness and acceptance. Inverse support leads to couples struggling to bring their relationship out in open and inhibitions in sharing relationship problems if any. Again, religious and orthodox societies add to the unreal guilt – converting anxiety into depression and spelling more trouble for the already affected.

Why defy the natural? Please don’t succumb to ‘what you don’t see doesn’t exist’ syndrome.  Why be a cat with closed eyes only to avoid the real? Why not accept this reality sooner rather than later?  Basic instinct is distinct – differently similar!!

My client couple is plagued by a problem faced by many in today’s super technological times. The wife is continuously on WhatsApp. The husband feels neglected and suspects she is having an affair. He keeps checking her ‘online’ status making him ‘online’ all the time too, only for the wife to fear that he is having an extra marital affair.
While I knew all along that being constantly on a certain messaging medium doesn’t always involve a third person, it certainly has opened up avenues for infidelity. Here I needed to go to the root of the problem. Why was the wife continuously on WhatsApp? Was she really having an affair? Was the husband justified in feeling neglected? A step by step approach helped me unfold a lot of realities unknown to both. First and foremost, the wife was addicted to WhatsApp. Although she wasn’t involved with anybody, her obsession made her husband wonder about her motives. While any addiction is detrimental to one’s physical and mental health, it always has a handle for undue indulgence. It’s not that the wife got hooked on to WhatsApp overnight. What started as an escape from boredom, slowly developed into an interest, followed by addiction. The husband with the best of intentions for the family was busy with work. In the process the family got a little side-lined. The wife resorted to WhatsApp which finally took over her completely. A vicious cycle engulfing both.

Extremes in relationships, especially a marriage can always be hazardous. Had the husband realized he was not devoting enough time to the wife, this situation wouldn’t have arose. Again, the wife’s unconscious need to break free from her monotony of life took her to a point which was almost irreversible. She failed to realize the implications of the same. Her husband’s being on WhatsApp to check her status had become his obsessive compulsive behaviour. The wife felt threatened about a probable third person and her defence mechanism only made her WhatsApp use increase. It was her getaway from the harsh reality of life.
In this case the husband and wife both failed to communicate effectively. Their fears and anxieties could have been put to rest had they talked to each other instead of assuming and presuming. The entire scenario could have been avoided, had they only addressed each other’s insecurities. When one can master the art of using various social media platforms to communicate with others, why can’t the same be done with one’s family? If the comfort level is low for direct confrontation, why not use the same WhatsApp to convey one’s feelings? After all even WhatsApp can make or mar your relationship… Use it diligently to make it and not break it. Aren’t relationships fragile?

Unresolvable differences between a couple ‘living –in’ together for nine years approached me. While the lady wanted to take the relationship to the next level by getting married, the man was not yet ready to commit. Both in their late thirties – the woman was worried about her ticking biological clock almost resembling a time bomb and the gentleman not feeling ‘settled enough’ professionally to start and support a family. He wanted to wait till he was comfortable enough to provide. Both right in their own ways, wanted a solution to this contemporary problem.
India is emulating the west in terms of co-habiting with one’s romantic partner is concerned. One can attribute a couple of factors to this kind of an alliance – one, decision making process with the youngsters of today is very swift. They don’t foresee the eventualities that can arise from residing with one’s partner. Two, the repercussions it can have, can really take a toll on both involved. While, generally for the man, it is always about his profession and making x amount of money before getting into any kind of commitment, for the woman it’s normally wanting to give a legal status to her association along with the need to start a family – regardless of whether she is a professional or otherwise.
But then my question is, in this case, hasn’t the man remained committed in the relationship for nine years? It’s too long a time and it’s almost like being married – just without a legal endorsement. What’s going to change with marriage? An addition to the family? Well, that can be discussed mutually. The lady here may be justified in thinking about her age coming in the way of her motherhood, but then why did she realize only after nine years about the impending threat to her fertility? Such problems don’t occur over night. They build up gradually. According to me, nine years is too long a time to feel beyond the pale. It’s too late. After investing in a relationship for almost a decade, it does become difficult to make a ‘U’ turn and start all over again. It’s a ‘do or die’ situation. Both caught between the devil and the deep blue sea, need to realize the gravity of the situation and take a call.
My advice to people resorting to ‘living –in’ is, please think about all the ramifications it can have. An ideal live-in period would be anything between one to three years. Good enough to get to know one another, and to gauge if it can be taken to the next level. Waiting till eternity is only inviting demystification to act as a dampener. Cold feet, reluctance and apprehensions are typical to any romantic relationship. But it makes a lot of sense to discuss one’s expectations from this kind of a setting and the probable consequences it can generate. How about replacing short-sightedness with foresightedness? Mature demeanour is what it takes for two to tango. One wrong move and the rhythm can break. After all, one would want to dance attendance on the other…

Of late I have come across quite a few couples who are not friends with each other on Facebook. “Oh we are not friends on Facebook” is a frequent statement ranted by many – with either of the partners wanting to, only to be precluded by the other. Makes me wonder if they are actually ‘friends’ in reality!! While their friendship status is no benchmark to gauge their relationship, it can AT TIMES be a pointer towards the unusual.

Is it so important to ‘befriend’ one’s spouse/partner on the social media? Well, not really. Isn’t social media supposed to be for people wanting to remain connected with their friends whom one cannot meet regularly, long distance friends and acquaintances? The spouse or the partner (I don’t think) falls under this category. The very fact that one is cohabiting with one’s partner/spouse means that one knows everything about each other and don’t need a separate platform to communicate or interact with. While there are couples who mutually decide to stay off each other’s orbits, there are disgruntled partners who are itching to desperately become friends – in an endless, anxious and hopeless  wait for the acceptance of their friend request.

Why are people skeptical or apprehensive to befriend their partners? Plethora of reasons ranging from not getting along, to not wanting any infiltration on one’s private space; basically to avoid explanations and justifications for any activity online – constant bickering and challenging one’s motivation to ‘befriend’, ‘unfriend’, ‘like’, ‘post’, ‘comment’ on other friends et al. Discouraging indeed.

But again wanting to paint a wrong picture on the same media is another indicator of  a relationship hazard. Why should there be a need to show/show-off, justify to the world, something which is not actually the truth? After all, going by the lovey dovey pictures posted on FB is definitely misleading one’s friends by their noses to see and believe something which is not the actuality. In the process of fooling the world, one ends up fooling oneself. The reality doesn’t change its colour just because of a different projection to the virtual world. Not being friends on FB with such a partner is hardly a price to pay to be away from this false reality.

This tendency is more prevalent in the insecure partner. There is this constant need for acceptance, recognition and to an extent adulation in these kind of people. What better platform than the social media to feed their needs? It’s instant gratification, only to be satiated for an instance and wanting much more at the very next instance. Research has proved that Facebook is addictive. There were times when people would be so agitated if someone went through their personal diaries. And now tables have turned completely. People are so affected if someone doesn’t go through their posts on the social media. Incurable addiction!!!

Social media is a platform for leisure time. Doesn’t deserve to dominate our lives, control our minds or hog on our precious time. Instead focus more on being ‘REAL’ friends in ‘REALITY’. The rest is all unreal even if it seems surreal…

While I sit and write this on the first day of the year, the morning is beautiful – it every day is. But there is something special about today. There is a refreshing charge to the day. Brighter and shinier. It certainly is a new day of the year – a year filled with hopes and dreams. A world full of optimism waiting with open arms. Present pregnant with the future.

As we take the leap into the leap year, my question is why do we always have to wait for a new beginning? And once the beginning is made, why is it always drawn to a conclusion? New Year resolutions at the start of the year, followed by a reality check at the end of the year to gauge the attainment of goals set during the course of the year are a universal given.

Why does everything have to be conclusive? While New Year’s Eve and the New Year should be celebrated to mark the end of the year and the beginning of the New Year, it shouldn’t always hold us accountable for our achievements or failures. Life is a continuous process and shouldn’t be dictated by a calendar. The journey is always as much or more enjoyable than the destination – a fact understood or adapted by very few.

People are conclusion focused. Right from childhood, it’s always about conclusions – birth, education, career, marriage, children, so on and so forth. While everyone embarks on such an indispensable journey and there is no escape from it, life can be so much easier, slower, enjoyable and more liveable if not controlled by conclusions. One impatiently awaits the completion of one’s studies only to be bogged down by work later. As the initial excitement of a new job wears off, one is soon reminded of the earlier schooling/college phase seeming so much better than the present. Somehow, most of the times, the past always seems better than the present in retrospect.

Two people going around always have their happiness dependent on their marriage at some point. Instead of enjoying every bit of their relationship, after a certain time, their focus is primarily on their upcoming/impending marriage. Again a conclusion. Once united in a marriage, the brief marital bliss is replaced by a longing to be blessed with a child. Upon the arrival of a child (again a conclusion), the emphasis changes to another denouement.

After all conclusions are ends. And by no means do we want to end our beautiful journey of life. Don’t let life become just a means to an end…

Very often people come to me – confused. They aren’t sure if they are in love or infatuated. Although there is a very thin line between the two – INITIALLY, one can always tell the difference. These beautiful feelings may overlap the two conditions but there are pronounced stark differences.

The first thing I ask my clients as to what do they think? As much as for most of the people love is the answer (it’s more out of wishful thinking rather than the reality), in their heart of hearts they do doubt their own feelings. There is this constant question looming about the hypothetical condition of infatuation.

Infatuation is a condition in which a person is instantly drawn to another person and this is generally short lived. There is an instant withdrawal as well. Behaviour follows very extreme patterns of intensity. The magnitude of feelings is very strong at both the ends. Too good to be true is how I would put it. When one cannot accept this unrealistic reality, it’s a big pointer that something is amiss.

So the next important aspect to be focussed upon is the duration of the association. Extremely short period of having known someone and still falling for him/her is the biggest sign of infatuation. One doesn’t know the opposite person well and yet one is smitten – big time. This can lead to two eventualities – either instantly falling out of love or falling deeper into love when the reality sets in. It’s either in or out. Men are more prone to infatuation (thanks to their different wiring) compared to women.

Again infatuation is normally restricted to a person’s physical attributes with a high need for physical intimacy. Once this stage is outdone, the attraction goes down. On the other hand, love is never dependent on a few parameters. There is a plethora of amazing experiences to be experienced and enjoyed. It’s more about the journey than the destination. The list of attractions is endless.

Before committing yourself into any relationship, please find out if your attraction has a shelf life or it is for long (if not ever). Both beautiful feelings though. The choice is yours – now and never or now and forever….

From the time a couple gets married, there is always a probability (high or low) of a divorce. No marriage is ever divorce proof. But one can work towards making it one. The big question is how! Before coming to the answer of this big question, let us focus on the distorted thinking that couples commonly adopt to when in a marriage. Such thinking can certainly hinder one’s relationship.

• Couples don’t realize that a marriage/relationship is like a ticking bomb. If they don’t work towards it, it can be dangerous.
• Some hope it would automatically get better with time.
• Some presume it is getting better without actually being aware of the partner’s actual or real feelings towards them.
• Some are aware of the problems they face, but are not clear on the intensity of it.
• A few become complacent and learn to live with it. They get too used to the familiarity to trade it off for anything else.
• Some partners continuously play the blame game – be it with their partner, themselves, children, circumstance, health etc.

A relationship is one of the highest indicators of happiness. And when the going is good, it can be a huge source of pleasure. But when it starts getting inflicted with conflicts, of which couples have no clue as to how to deal with it, can become painful. Some suffer quietly, while others are vocal about it. When this suffering continues over a period of time, it can drain one emotionally.

All relationships have a great start, but end up in the same place. A beautiful common past of love and passion doesn’t guarantee permanence of these feelings. The biggest fallacy most couples make is concentrate only on remaining married. This standalone goal cannot be achieved by itself. But striving towards feeling passionate, alive and free in one’s marriage is what makes it work. It is an ideal marriage when one can be one’s self. It is also healthy to expect problems in a relationship. And these problems are simply the indicators that some changes are needed. Once couples have the necessary tools and skills of how to become a team and solve problems together, everything can be dealt with effectively for life. It’s just about the right approach.

After all the major cause of a divorce may be a marriage, but there are reasons galore for a marriage – the odds are one against many. All probability of a marriage winning hands down!!!!

“For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: ‘ If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?’ And whenever the answer has been ‘No’ for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.”

-Steve Jobs

As we enter the last month of the year the normal tendency is to reflect upon the past and contemplate over the future. New Year resolutions are suddenly in vogue. A perception full of new optimism becomes the prescription pill for so many. Of course as the months go by it becomes a daunting task to live up to one’s own aspirations, expectations, challenges and goals – all part of the freshly made resolutions. No guarantees on whether these would last or fade with the passing months – maybe to replicate and recur in the next calendar year. A cyclic feature. Here’s a sleeves-up to my start to 2016, hopefully making is a shade sassier and simpler to follow:

The challenge – can be multiple in terms of profession, family life, health and fitness.

The battle plan – While it is not easy to do the tight rope walking balancing home, work and family and at the same time focussing on the physical and mental wellbeing of one’s self, it is not difficult either with a little bit of planning, flexibility, going easy on one’s own self, developing some immunity towards the daily stresses and trying to strive less towards perfections to enjoy, adjust, adapt and cope with the offerings of life.

Take-home inspiration – Doing what one believes in, makes life worthwhile. Never say die attitude is an elixir proven to work wonders for one and all. Holding on to faith and power of anything or anybody can change the meaning of life. Divine intervention through spirituality can be a big shock absorber for many.

Philosophy can have dual impact when coupled with Psychology. Any change within requires a thought and behaviour modification. A conscious attempt to magnify the focus on the present and minimize the past and future, is a sure shot way to happiness and success.

Indulging in ‘whatever’ makes one happy is the solution to any problem at any given time. Again, not doing anything at all to travelling, pursuing one’s hobbies and enjoying the nitty-gritty and the smalls of life can be extremely self- healing and therapeutic.

How about making the upcoming year a year of heightened self-awareness? Learn to release regret and forgive others and ourselves by believing in changes. If you resist it, it will be tough to survive. Go with it, not against it. Open up your heart. Learn to trust and love people around you. Abraham Lincoln said it right: “In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.”

So, smile ear to ear for the new year is near, dispelling all your fears  and tears, dear!!