Author Archives: Sagarika Shah

Why do some people tend to overthink and some not think at all? What can such extremes tell about these over and under thinkers?  Again the fact that there are thoughts in the mind doesn’t mean one is thinking. The two though interrelated are still mutually exclusive of each other.

Human beings on an average have about seventy thousand thoughts in a day. Regardless of what these thoughts are, the important thing is how these are managed. Thought management is extremely important to make or mar one’s self or life. If the art to manage one’s thoughts is learnt, one can deal with any eventualities of life. And being from Thought Counsel, I can vouch for this.

The first step towards thought management is observing one’s thoughts without judging them. Let them flow like a river. Thoughts are the seeds to any form of work. For example, if a person is doing extremely well professionally in a certain field, it must have started with a thought. Thoughts give artists their form of expression. So thoughts are very important. The art lies in differentiating between which ones to encourage and which ones to ignore. There are people who say they have left the task of thinking to others. But is that actually possible? Neither possible nor plausible for without thoughts we would be mere robots.

Thought management should be taught from childhood. If children master this skill, they can beautifully handle the challenges of life at any stage. Unfortunately a concept not too deeply delved into by schools and educators.

Thoughts are directly visible in one’s eyes. They can be read by the other person. So learning to think positive rather than negative can say a whole lot. With innumerable difficulties in life, it sometimes becomes difficult to cope. But with proper thought management one can always reason with these two options available at any given time: either give up and accept your defeat (towards anything) or never give up on your problems and face them to come out of them. Let your thoughts become your gateway to success and happiness.

There are people who have no control over their thoughts. They would be exuberant in a given moment, grumpy in the very next one. Tolerant at times, intolerant at many other times. All these people need is a lesson in thought management. After all, thoughts are lots, but if managed well from adults to tiny tots, life can have no dots – pots  of happiness all along…

What is that one ingredient which keeps a relationship going? And when I say going I mean it as going real ‘smoothly’. As much as it is individual in terms of what clicks for whom and how, I can list quite a few elements which can keep a relationship ticking. To start with, its of course love which forms the basis, followed by physical and emotional dependence on each other, security and finally the habit which gets the partners used to each other. This entire cyclical process is universal and applied to all. But it is also at an equal risk of turning to mundane, monotonous association causing boredom. Remember, ‘familiarity breeds contempt’?

What is that main element which keeps a couple together? According to me it’s the mental or intellectual stimulation. As long as this exists in a relationship, no matter how old the connection, it would continue growing. Ideally, when two people share the same wavelength and interests, it does become easier to stimulate, but one doesn’t have to be on the same page. There are ways and means of stimulating one’s partner emotionally. Trying to share common interests, despite not having too much in common helps. Infinite techniques have been developed to learn the art of physical stimulation, since times immemorial, but unfortunately, the role of emotional stimulation continues to be undermined.

How does one emotionally connect with a person? One needs to have a high degree of emotional quotient for this. Now, again there is a difference between the two. Emotional quotient makes sure that our emotional levels stay up to a healthy level. The moment the levels rise or deplete, the threshold of anomaly is crossed, never a healthy sign of a stable emotional person. For eg, a person may be angry. This is normal. But the moment this anger starts preceding over everything else around, is unhealthy. The sign of a developed emotional quotient is control over one’s extreme emotions. Maybe, I can elaborate a little more on EQ in one of my upcoming blogs. But right now I don’t want to shift my focus from mental or emotional stimulation to make a relationship not just work, but work wonders.

The best possible way to do this is to control and manoeuvre not just one’s own emotions but also try to manage one’s partner’s emotions. The skill is in synchronising two different emotions and creating a third one. I may be exuberant about something. My partner may not reflect a similar feeling. Best possible solution would be to reach the middle ground. The key is to contain and maybe replace our current emotion with something both the partners enjoy. Exuberance can be toned down to an emotion which triggers some common interest and comfort. With practice, the shift is easy. Maybe start talking about a common book, film or art. See some common friends or family liked by both. Indulge in some activity together – a game, cards or quiz. Visit a favourite restaurant, take a walk together, sing a favourite song, listen to some music together or just dance. One doesn’t need to be an intellect to resort to these doings together. Theoretical as it may sound, such activities can certainly charge up one’s emotions positively.

Emotions are always temporary. Emotional stimulation can be learnt by targeting a single emotion at a time. Gradually by merging a couple of emotions, multiple emotions can be handled over a period of time. The challenge is to divert the negative emotions in the partner to positive ones. Set your emotions in motion and revel in your real life motion picture…. Any guesses for the end – happy of course!!!!

The age old adage – ‘opposites attract’ sometimes makes me marvel at the law of attraction. How much truth does it hold, to what extent and for how long? Attraction, a very short lived phenomenon (unless the art to make it linger is mastered) is defined as a quality or feature which evokes liking, interest or desire. Human beings get attracted to infinite persons/things in a life time. A fact seldom accepted very openly by many. The degree to which people get attracted varies though. For some it’s a tendency. Attraction is not a controlled emotion either. A sensible person can evenly balance the scales of attraction between submission and resistance. A beautiful feeling, producing chemical and physiological changes in the brain, has to be dealt with immense prudence.

Is attraction always about the opposites? Normally, one does tend to get attracted to the contraries. Especially in romantic liaisons such attractions are very common and alluring. But the same opposites can come to hound a person at a later date, since more than the opposites, it’s about turning a blind eye to the differences. Remember, ‘love is blind’ after all? The most important relationship tip that I can give is never ignore the initial differences or opposites which you think can either be altered or one can get used to later. Please don’t let the future play an eye opener and keep your eyes open in the present. Accepting the person as it is, without expecting him or her to change is the key to a successful relationship. Many or most people fail to recognise this, creating distress and acrimony.

“Oh we are poles apart and can complement each other so well” is said with so much conviction when basking in initial euphoria. The conviction in the same polarity loses its essence with time. “Oh we are like chalk and cheese and we just cannot see eye to eye on anything together.” Retraction time! Complete metamorphosis of feelings with lapsing time.

Still a very prevalent practice in India with arranged matrimonial alliances, is not just the process of matching horoscopes, but also seeking similar backgrounds – social, economic and educational. A very practical approach to help the prospective bride and groom enter a new innings of their life on an equal footing. I am not here to propagate arranged marriages. One doesn’t have to be like siblings, similar in all aspects. No two individuals ever are. But it does become essentially imperative to get a handle on the inherent qualities and characteristics of one’s prospective partner. Temperament traction and emotional equilibrium in sync with each other is akin to a smooth and everlasting association. Regardless of the kind of union – arranged or otherwise, making a beginning from an even platform from all perspectives always proves to be extremely effective in the long run.  Attractions are momentary and temporary but love is permanent. By concocting basic fundamental similarities with variances, an appetizing association can be created. Bon appetit!!!

Have you ever met someone whom you have barely known or is unknown and the bond you share instantly can be beyond reason? It’s all about connect. We connect with different people at different levels. And this kind of connection is rather rare. It could be the result of words spoken or unspoken or maybe just an unplanned act or an unintentional deed. But the connection is altogether distinct and different and can last a life time. This could be between two friends, partners, acquaintance, family or some total stranger.

How does this work? Is it the chemistry? There are hundreds of people you interact with. But why does this one single person touch your heart? The association is magical. Someone you have never dreamt of interacting with, becomes a part of your life. Someone whom you would cherish a life time. No justification or explanation can solve this mystical connect. And everybody experiences it at some point in their lives. Never a result of one’s expectations, it happens very unexpectedly. It is beyond one’s imagination. Maybe some karmic link or a result of fate bringing two individuals together. Merely proving how people come into our lives for a ‘reason, season or lifetime’ to the hilt. Such relations may or may not last forever. But leaves a very strong imprint on the mind, a big impact on the heart and a mark on one’s soul.

Not necessarily a romantic liaison, this rare connect can be platonic too. The mask of the unknown slowly falls off, transforming the initial unknown aura into a beautiful familiarity growing every minute. The person becomes so ingrained in our life leaving us marvel at how we dealt with his/her absence for so long. What you don’t have, you don’t miss. But after having it, it almost becomes impossible to think of a life without this person.  The cascading effect it has on all the other aspects of life is phenomenal. The contentment and fulfilment oozing from this union rubs on to the other areas of life, making it so much easier to deal with the negatives and difficulties. You don’t need any wifi to connect with this special person. If sometimes logical, but magical always…

Stress is so ingrained in our life today. It is a lifestyle disease experienced by almost all. If not addressed properly it can have quite adverse bodily and mental manifestations.

How does one deal with stress? Reminds me of the famous quote – ‘life is not what happens to you, but how you deal with what happens to you.’ So, stress has a different connotation for different people and the way of dealing with is also varies from person to person. The threshold of stress is not the same for all. For some, minor irritants or disturbances can disrupt their mental equilibrium causing a lot of stress. For others, it could be really difficult circumstances/events which can trigger stress.

One should keep the following key factors in mind to counter any stressful situation

• Definition of stress – something upsetting doesn’t always mean it is stressful. Trying to focus on the reason behind the actual cause can help one identify actual stress.
• Nature of stress – whether temporary or permanent depends on the perception of the problem. Does the problem look short term or long term? No stress can ever be permanent. If it is short term, one can deal with it either immediately or knowing that it is short-lived, one can rationalize about it by accepting its temporary nature. Long term stress needs more attention. Breaking it into parts and working on each segment at a time can be very effective in eliminating this kind of stress.
• Mental/behavioural modification – identification of stress inducing triggers help us understand to what extent we get affected. Modifying our thinking and behaviour by practising to either accept or filter out the stress triggers, can be formed into a habit over a period of time. The triggers that once caused stress may not do so to the same degree any longer.
• Minimising stress – it is completely up to us, how to magnify our positives and minimize our negatives. Doing more of what one enjoys against staying away from anything unpleasant is one way of reducing stress in one’s lives. Again, some stresses are inevitable like stress related to work pressures. Such stress should be balanced by spending the non-working hours to the utmost potential by indulging in happy activities. The list can be inexhaustive – ranging from reading your favourite book or listening to your choicest music, to spending time with one’s favourite people – family/friends. All extremely therapeutic.

There are so many innovative ways of dealing with stress in today’s times. Two recent ones have left me intrigued: Many working women in China are joining programmes to experience life of a Buddhist monk – to de-stress themselves from high pressure jobs. They lead a monk’s life to counter stress. They make lifestyle changes for a stipulated time period which incorporate a monk’s daily regime including listening to preaching, chanting and meditating. It works wonders and makes them stress free.

Another very intriguing fact at Mumbai international airport is the availability of furry friends – Labradors to help thousands of passengers who are bogged down by the stress of travel and the baggage of pent-up emotions and feelings. These are therapy dogs trained to offer comfort and relief to those in need of it.

Necessity is the mother of invention. While stress cannot be avoided there are innumerable ways of dealing with it. All I would like to press is address your stress – Just let lose your tress and let go of your stress…

Has humour dried up from people’s lives? Too bad if it has. People resort to watching funny films and videos, comedy programmes etc. to tickle their funny bones – sheer dependence on synthetic humour. Why does humour have to be limited to only electronic medium or to an extent to print medium? Isn’t laughing out loud (over anything under the sun) also very therapeutic? Sharing a laugh with one’s family and friends has no substitute. And it can be about anything. A situation may not necessitate a laugh, but creating one out of nothing can be quite a hilarity. At times a glance exchanged with one’s favourite someone is enough to trigger a mighty laugh. It could have a past reference or no reference it all. It’s all about the humour rapport with the selected few.

There are people who get dismayed over nothing and there are others who can laugh at anything. There are people and there are people. One should never underestimate the benefits of laughter on one’s physical and mental well-being. It can be a universal elixir. With the mounting stress levels of people in today’s world, laugher can be the biggest stress buster. ‘Why take life seriously when nobody has come out of it alive’ stands so true here. But people have forgotten to live and laugh. Charlie Chaplin’s famous quote ‘a day without laughter is a day wasted’ should be the mantra followed by all.

Circulating jokes through platforms like WhatsApp remain the most sought after humour medium. People have become so engrossed in forwarding such content that they don’t find time to share a joke in person despite maybe sitting next to one. They continue living in virtual reality. A sad reality indeed. Mushrooming laughing clubs merely prove how difficult it has become for people to laugh. Laughing forcibly is still better than not laughing at all. And that’s the reason even the corporate world has seen a new escalating trend of clowning workshops. Earlier restricted to only hospital recovery zones, humour specialists are slowly finding their way through different fields. It has been found to be very effective in reducing stress, increasing creativity and lateral thinking and master the tightrope walking between hard work and light-heartedness at the same time.

Never underestimate the worth of conversations with people who make one smile and laugh. Nothing in the world can replace that rendezvous – be it in person, telephonic/verbal or written. It works wonders for one’s immune system. Laughing is the best medicine but even if you laugh without a reason you still don’t need any medicine in my view. Have a hearty laugh. It’s good for your heart…

Parents too often feel they have an inborn right to control their children’s lives – just because they are instrumental in bringing them into this world. Sadly, a justification used by many to supposedly regulate their children’s lives is no justification at all. Recent studies have proved that children of less controlling parents turn out to be better in all aspects compared to the controlling ones. What does this indicate? Certainly shows a positive trend of parenting. But what about those who still dictate?

A very common conversation in schools at least in India – “How many marks did your child get? Mine scored the highest.” Board exams of grade ten and twelve are the biggest nervous breakdown triggers for parents and they make sure they transfer the same on to their wards. Exams become a matter of life and death – literally with students committing/attempting suicides on not getting satisfactory results. And here the satisfaction is in direct proportion to parents’ expectations. Another very common practice is of putting children in various activity and educational classes. “My child goes for taekwondo, mental math, robotics and phonics classes. What are the classes your child is enrolled for?” And a child not involved with such extracurricular activities is looked down upon. After all an average primary school kid is away from home for ONLY 7-8 hours. What about the remaining 16 hours of the day? They have to be constructively (so they think) occupied so that comparisons with other parents become easier and the child is off parents’ hair.

In this technology monopolised day and age, children are increasingly getting away from just being themselves. They have no time to play with their real friends – virtual would be plenty, courtesy online interactions galore. There are some ‘privileged’ children who have been blessed with phones and tabs at a tender age by their parents, with least concern about being exposed to the radiation from cellphones or retina damage due to screen light. There is a bigger concern for more marks, prizes and certificates. Children need to be technology savvy in today’s times, not to deny the intellectual stimulation that follows. But social interactions, family outings, picnics, quality time spending by playing family games etc cannot replace the emotional quotient it provides.

Childhood is a temporary phase and is outgrown in no time by children. The most important phase where most of the mental and physical development takes place is underestimated. School and exams shouldn’t be the only measure of success in life. That too at a juncture when children have no clue about the realities of life. Pleasant and happy childhood experiences go a long way in helping children become sensible human beings of the future. Perhaps parents forget that they too were children once upon a time. May be what they were subject to is similar or maybe different to what they have been practising. In a nutshell, a key to an ideal parenting would be comparisons – nil, zero exam/school pressure, acceptance of child individuality and zippo controlling streaks. Your responsibility is to bring them up and not bring them down. How about defying the gravitational force???????

It has been my privilege to be invited  by Ahmedabad Management Association to deliver a lecture on Friday, September 18, 2015, 6.30 pm. I will be talking about the ‘Intricacies of  Relationships’ – aimed at helping people  gain some insight into the dynamics and complexities of relationships. Local residents of the city and thereabouts are most cordially invited.

Venue: Ahmedabad Managment Association – Seminar hall, ATIRA, Ahmedabad 380 015

I happen to know this person who was in a live-in relationship with his partner for five years. They seemed so happy together. One fine day, I get a call from him saying “if my partner enquiries about me, just sound nonchalant and clueless about my whereabouts.” I was quite surprised at this sudden withdrawal from his relationship. He had abruptly ended it without discussing it. Didn’t go down too well with me. I wonder how the partner would have felt. I thought the partner of five years at least deserved to be intimated and kept in the loop about the impending end. The guy I thought was truly lacking in sensitivity and maturity. In retrospect, my jumping to conclusion showcased my lack of maturity too.

A few days went by. Still chewing over the abrupt breakup of this gentleman (gentle in no way at that point), I decide to meet him over coffee. He obliges. Our conversation over coffee turns out to be a complete turnaround from what I had expected. He talked about how his relationship had become unbearable. Reverse shift – love overtaken by control. He was feeling stifled. She was becoming a remote control wanting to control her human gadget. He was expected to explain his time to her. He would be held accountable for his busy phone calls, unattended phone calls from her, and online status on various media etc. His ‘me time’ would invariably become ‘we time’ with her. Zero space to breathe. He tried to discourage this tendency but in vain. Jealousy and possessiveness had become her second nature. Regular fights would result in him asking her to call off their relationship. Her only reaction would be to threaten him about undesired consequences which would land him in trouble. Being scared of the consequences, he continued till it went beyond the pale. Finally one fine day he just walked out.

This sudden and abrupt disappearance from someone’s life is termed as ghosting. The person almost stops to exist. Phone calls and messages are stopped and not responded to. As much as it reminds me of a scary horror movie, I had never heard this term until a few years ago. The story which sounded so immature on his part suddenly made so much sense. Maybe justified his behaviour.

Any relationship can go wrong. One wrong choice or judgement deserves a second chance. Why drag in an unhappy relationship? In the interest of both the partners, an ideal thing would be to part ways amicably. But at times, the situation is not conducive to a pleasant exit from one individual. With one partner being obsessed about the relationship, taking a toll on the mental and physical wellbeing of the other, the resultant end is sometimes instant and abrupt. The person has no other choice but to resort to ghosting. And the traits which justify ghosting are normally possessiveness, jealousy, constant bickering, suspicion and perpetual supervision, obsession, recurrent threats followed by hysterical bouts, temper tantrums and major mood swings. A person doesn’t have any other way or means to get out of this.

Ghosting instead of continual roasting in an abnormal relationship is acceptable. A toast to the ghost and this post!!!! No boast!!!!!!!!

The human tendency to value something only before one gets it or after one loses it can be extremely detrimental to a relationship. The feeling of being taken for granted or taking someone for granted can be really unnerving. The fairy-tale romance is out of the window after the initial euphoria. Whether married, cohabiting or just in a relationship, the monotony sets in with time. The pining for each other wanes. And this is not gender specific. Both men and women can show this kind of an approach towards their relationships.

The forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest. Similarly anything new is exciting. It is more about one’s imagination rather than the real. It takes one into the unknown – abound with mystery and mystique. Attraction at its optimum high.

The big question – why the ‘new’ becomes the ‘normal new’? Novelty of anything wears off with time. But then that doesn’t justify a change in one’s behaviour as far as dealing with one’s partner is concerned. As much as it is natural and normal for the newness to fade over a period of time, it doesn’t have to lead to negativity or indifference. This doesn’t apply to other relationships like with one’s parents, siblings or children. Do we ever get bored of them? Then why with our partners? Why does this association have to bear the brunt of a relationship turning mundane?

One of the reasons for a relationship going downhill is the demystification which follows the first phase of exhilaration. A major reason for people hopping relationships. Don’t they realize they will meet the same fate every time? Can one afford to keep changing partners in the hope of fanning the fumes of initial excitement? A very common reaction of most of the wives on learning about their husbands’ extra marital escapades is that “if she isn’t the first one, she won’t be the last one”. They are so confident about their husband’s passing fancies that they remain unruffled.

Any relationship starts with romance when physical and emotional attractions are at its peak, followed by love and dependence on each other. This culminates into a beautiful bond shared by two individuals. And finally it becomes a habit and both get used to each other. Here there may not be any obsessive longing, but they can’t do without each other. Instead of going through a full cycle of beautiful stages, why do the partners leave half way? Instead of treading an unknown territory, why not remain in one’s familiar vista to explore more? Such leaps don’t always get better. Remember it can get from better to worse. From frying pan into the fire.

There are ways and means to keep the relationship stimulating and alive. By injecting the right ingredients, it can prove to be magical. It’s up to us to create our own recipe.  The cost it too high to let it go. After all nothing is permanent in this world including the transitory nature of the initial period. And taking or taken for granted is like a time bomb ticking to burst any time, to destroy our relationships.

Why grunt at the granted? Permission not granted!!!