It has been my privilege to be invited by Ahmedabad Management Association to deliver a lecture on Friday, September 18, 2015, 6.30 pm. I will be talking about the ‘Intricacies of Relationships’ – aimed at helping people gain some insight into the dynamics and complexities of relationships. Local residents of the city and thereabouts are most cordially invited.
Venue: Ahmedabad Managment Association – Seminar hall, ATIRA, Ahmedabad 380 015
I happen to know this person who was in a live-in relationship with his partner for five years. They seemed so happy together. One fine day, I get a call from him saying “if my partner enquiries about me, just sound nonchalant and clueless about my whereabouts.” I was quite surprised at this sudden withdrawal from his relationship. He had abruptly ended it without discussing it. Didn’t go down too well with me. I wonder how the partner would have felt. I thought the partner of five years at least deserved to be intimated and kept in the loop about the impending end. The guy I thought was truly lacking in sensitivity and maturity. In retrospect, my jumping to conclusion showcased my lack of maturity too.
A few days went by. Still chewing over the abrupt breakup of this gentleman (gentle in no way at that point), I decide to meet him over coffee. He obliges. Our conversation over coffee turns out to be a complete turnaround from what I had expected. He talked about how his relationship had become unbearable. Reverse shift – love overtaken by control. He was feeling stifled. She was becoming a remote control wanting to control her human gadget. He was expected to explain his time to her. He would be held accountable for his busy phone calls, unattended phone calls from her, and online status on various media etc. His ‘me time’ would invariably become ‘we time’ with her. Zero space to breathe. He tried to discourage this tendency but in vain. Jealousy and possessiveness had become her second nature. Regular fights would result in him asking her to call off their relationship. Her only reaction would be to threaten him about undesired consequences which would land him in trouble. Being scared of the consequences, he continued till it went beyond the pale. Finally one fine day he just walked out.
This sudden and abrupt disappearance from someone’s life is termed as ghosting. The person almost stops to exist. Phone calls and messages are stopped and not responded to. As much as it reminds me of a scary horror movie, I had never heard this term until a few years ago. The story which sounded so immature on his part suddenly made so much sense. Maybe justified his behaviour.
Any relationship can go wrong. One wrong choice or judgement deserves a second chance. Why drag in an unhappy relationship? In the interest of both the partners, an ideal thing would be to part ways amicably. But at times, the situation is not conducive to a pleasant exit from one individual. With one partner being obsessed about the relationship, taking a toll on the mental and physical wellbeing of the other, the resultant end is sometimes instant and abrupt. The person has no other choice but to resort to ghosting. And the traits which justify ghosting are normally possessiveness, jealousy, constant bickering, suspicion and perpetual supervision, obsession, recurrent threats followed by hysterical bouts, temper tantrums and major mood swings. A person doesn’t have any other way or means to get out of this.
Ghosting instead of continual roasting in an abnormal relationship is acceptable. A toast to the ghost and this post!!!! No boast!!!!!!!!
The human tendency to value something only before one gets it or after one loses it can be extremely detrimental to a relationship. The feeling of being taken for granted or taking someone for granted can be really unnerving. The fairy-tale romance is out of the window after the initial euphoria. Whether married, cohabiting or just in a relationship, the monotony sets in with time. The pining for each other wanes. And this is not gender specific. Both men and women can show this kind of an approach towards their relationships.
The forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest. Similarly anything new is exciting. It is more about one’s imagination rather than the real. It takes one into the unknown – abound with mystery and mystique. Attraction at its optimum high.
The big question – why the ‘new’ becomes the ‘normal new’? Novelty of anything wears off with time. But then that doesn’t justify a change in one’s behaviour as far as dealing with one’s partner is concerned. As much as it is natural and normal for the newness to fade over a period of time, it doesn’t have to lead to negativity or indifference. This doesn’t apply to other relationships like with one’s parents, siblings or children. Do we ever get bored of them? Then why with our partners? Why does this association have to bear the brunt of a relationship turning mundane?
One of the reasons for a relationship going downhill is the demystification which follows the first phase of exhilaration. A major reason for people hopping relationships. Don’t they realize they will meet the same fate every time? Can one afford to keep changing partners in the hope of fanning the fumes of initial excitement? A very common reaction of most of the wives on learning about their husbands’ extra marital escapades is that “if she isn’t the first one, she won’t be the last one”. They are so confident about their husband’s passing fancies that they remain unruffled.
Any relationship starts with romance when physical and emotional attractions are at its peak, followed by love and dependence on each other. This culminates into a beautiful bond shared by two individuals. And finally it becomes a habit and both get used to each other. Here there may not be any obsessive longing, but they can’t do without each other. Instead of going through a full cycle of beautiful stages, why do the partners leave half way? Instead of treading an unknown territory, why not remain in one’s familiar vista to explore more? Such leaps don’t always get better. Remember it can get from better to worse. From frying pan into the fire.
There are ways and means to keep the relationship stimulating and alive. By injecting the right ingredients, it can prove to be magical. It’s up to us to create our own recipe. The cost it too high to let it go. After all nothing is permanent in this world including the transitory nature of the initial period. And taking or taken for granted is like a time bomb ticking to burst any time, to destroy our relationships.
Why grunt at the granted? Permission not granted!!!
A kind word said is a kind word heard. Words are powerful beyond imagination. They have the power to carry a world in them. Then why do people shoot through their mouths and let the words off like an arrow from a bow? Just like an arrow cannot be retracted, neither can words be, unless it is a text (with the latest retraction feature) sent from a cell phone.
It may sound inconsequential but words can influence one and all. A verbal abuse can be a big deterrent in nurturing relationships. On the other side, words of kindness can last beyond time. What goes around comes around. Words spoken by us can come back to us in due time – the butterfly effect!
No one can escape the consequences of one’s actions or words. The butterfly effect which scientifically states the influence of the smallest of things can set off a huge change. One may not realize the ripple effect it creates. But even an iota of good act through deeds or words can either haunt you or hail you. If you look back and think, there would be people with whom you have been good or kind in the past and they end up reciprocating your goodness in a way you never expected. Similarly, having taken someone for granted, talked or dealt with derogatorily and ridiculed can come back to ruffle you if not shuffle you.
People with a lot of negativity especially towards others can only harm themselves. Their jealousies, complexes, hurtful words would result in stirring more negativity within themselves, harming themselves more than anyone else. Why can’t people be good to others? From my personal experience, I have realized that despite going out of one’s way for certain people, they never change. The more you are nice, the more they are not nice. I would never recommend to reciprocate their negativity. Just keep away from them. Distance is the only remedy. Please don’t even try to touch them with a barge pole.
Is it really difficult to contain one’s negative feelings? Feelings like jealousies and resultant verbal outbreak are signs of inadequacy in that person. The person has no self-confidence and gets into a comparison mode immediately upon finding someone with something different or better. If one doesn’t learn the art of controlling these tendencies, it can be detrimental and how!!!!
Unfortunately there are many people who do not think before they speak. And we can only blame their lack of listening skills for this. Good listeners are always sensible talkers. They know what to speak when, where and how. Traits like sensitivity and empathy require one to think from other’s perspective. Quite a task for people full of themselves. A word to the wise – utter not to butter or batter to people who matter…
“And they lived happily ever after….” Life seldom has fairy tale ends. Reality never offers favourable dénouement to all. Particularly relationships.
The human tendency to chew the cud over their exes is a futile exercise. Proven to be very unfair on their current relationship. Just because one didn’t work out, doesn’t mean the next one wouldn’t either. Probably it wouldn’t if the generalization and the reasoning of an unworked relationship are applied to the existing one.
Comparing your ex to your current partner can be equally cataclysmic. All individuals are unique. No two persons can ever be the same – not even siblings. Then how can partners be??? Just because you have been wronged the first time/previous time by your partner, doesn’t mean you will meet the same fate the next time along.
The habit to preempt things based on one’s past relationship is preemption without any logic. Why let your previous relationship have a cascading effect on your current relationship? Why hold on to the bad memories and keep brooding over them, whipping negative emotions internally and externally being wary of one’s partner? Constant anxiety of something untoward might strike again can be quite unnerving. Faith in everything good and acceptance of something beautiful is for real, is replaced with complete distrust, corrupting your entire system and relationship. It’s too big a price to pay for not being able to commit yourself completely into a relationship. Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but… live today. Remember the lessons it taught you. Dream about a beautiful tomorrow while you continue to live your current relationship to the fullest.
Why should your current partner pay the price for your past attachment? Why be unjust to a person who may be just right because of someone who wasn’t? Please let go of the past. Do not presume anything and start afresh. Nobody can take away the memories it gave you. No regrets. Only lessons learnt!
Relationships make our lives meaningful. Research puts relationships at the top of happiness index. We owe our mental and physical wellbeing to our relationships. When so much is at stake, why equate our previous association to the existent? Wipe off the past and create a present without worrying about the future. After all past, present and future are only tenses, and not events to make us tense………
The song “Postman” from the album Carpenters reminds me how the dynamics of relationships have changed in the last few decades. The days of waiting for a card or a letter from one’s loved one feels so ancient. Love letter – a concept much forgotten.
There was a time when geographical distance between partners almost meant the end of the world. Weeping buckets was the only reaction for these ‘Romeos and Juliets’. Separation was tantamount to emotional upheaval. Times have leapfrogged from then to now. Distance is hardly a factor disconcerting.
Couples who are married in a long distance relationship have less to complain as well. Video/voice chatting through various internet platforms makes it possible to be a constant part of each other’s lives. Of course nothing compares to physically living together. But in concurrence with today’s changing times, when living together may not always be feasible, keeping connected with one’s children and spouse in real time is as much a possibility as convenience, due to technology unlimited.
‘Distance makes the hearts grow fonder’ and ‘out of sight is out of mind’ are no longer conflicting. It is almost impossible to forget someone across miles.
Regardless of the age and stage of one’s life, one cannot deny the benefits of a long distance relationship. It is stimulating to have time and space to breathe, to develop one’s own interests and focus on one’s self while being connected with one’s partner. To maintain a healthy relationship all one needs is to have regular communication with one’s loved one, lots of trust, common interests and the most important ingredient ‘love’. Limited time together leaves hardly any room for conflicts. Instead, the time is well spent on exploring each other no matter how long the relationship – you never get enough of each other. No scope for demystification. The attraction never wears off.
A life partner is someone who comes to share your life and not to become your life. A soulmate despite the distance brings incredible ease, stability and comfort; keeping demands, control and insecurities at bay. The boundaries of distance have melted. So, please don’t measure the distance but measure the love… it will take you that extra mile…
Ups and downs are a part of life. But when prefixed by a ‘break’, it’s generally all ‘down’ and never ‘up’ for most people in general. Unless, of course its breakfast!!! Breakups are always painful. But then, one wonders at the universal recourse to them by people all over the world.
Breakups shouldn’t be destructive, painful experiences. Rather seen as an opportunity to make a breakthrough to transform one’s life. This can be achieved by translating emotional pain into conscious heart healing and rediscovering joy. The trend is fast changing. The latest being ‘conscious uncoupling’. One can’t help thinking about Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin here. A proven process to complete a loving relationship that will leave you feeling whole and healed and at peace. Doesn’t this sound very amiable?
A one-sided breakup can certainly create an undesirable circumstance. But when the decision is mutual, it can be difficult but never adverse. The right skills to deal with this setback is the key to a positive culmination.
Putting up with the unpleasant beyond tolerance is much worse than the actual break-up. It indeed is a big price to pay for the freedom in lieu, but it is all worth it. Every soured relationship leaves a mark on the persona in the form of memories – bitter and sweet. The latter should always be cherished despite the limited shelf life. And what better teachers than the former?
Human tendency to put up with irreconcilable, thanks to the fear of the unknown ahead, hinders the actual process of disunion. It only looks impossible until it is done.
Transition is temporary. Time the best healer. Don’t stay in a dead relationship. Move on – thumbs up to an inevitable break-up. Head up, chin up and cheer up. Please do not breakdown. You are not an automobile!!!!!!
It has been recently proved by a team of researchers working at Stanford University that people walking in a natural environment tend to engage in less rumination. In tests they found rumination remained level for the urban walkers, but fell for the nature walkers.
Rumination is a disorder wherein an individual compulsively focuses on his/her distress and its causes and consequences, rather than on the solution. It is quite similar to worry and anxiety, except the attention is more on the past events and experiences as opposed to worry/anxiety, which is future centric. Both involve negative thinking.
On an average a human mind is consumed by about 50,000 thoughts a day. A mix of good and bad, positive and negative. A healthy mind would outweigh the negative thoughts with positive ones. But what about a mind which is controlled by negative thoughts?
Simple as it may sound, it is all about habit. Our thinking – negative and positive becomes so habitual, that it gets conditioned to think in only one particular direction. It is hence controlled accordingly. Any habit is not formed overnight. It is similar to water seeping into something and doing the damage. Negative thinking works on similar analogy. Constant dwelling on something unpleasant becomes a compulsion resulting in obsession at times.
It’s been proved that if one consciously removes a negative thought from one’s mind in less than nine seconds, it will automatically be expelled from our system. This exercise is basically to restrain oneself from comprehending or registering an unwanted thought.
Negative thoughts lead to depression, anxiety and many other forms of neuroses. Various psychosomatic disorders are manifested as a result of it. Acute negative thinking can be altered through therapy. Ruminating or brooding on something undesirable can take a toll on one’s mental and physical health. Meditation, exercise and any form of relaxation can help undo this pattern of negative thinking. Please don’t let negativity erode your system. Wake up and smell the coffee. It’s never too late because here two negatives will never make a positive…Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take your negativity elsewhere!
What is that one characteristic you can attribute to love at first sight? Beauty, undoubtedly. People normally are smitten immediately when they fall for someone’s beauty. I wonder how one can get carried away by an aspect, physical in nature, which doesn’t say anything else about the person. Deceptive indeed! It is so easy to predict the fate of such relationships. Exceptions? Well, they always exist.
Beauty as a magnetic force attracts only couples who have a tendency to fall in love at a pace much faster than the usual or couples who are in their very initial stage of dating. As much as this phenomenon is very natural and normal, especially amongst youngsters, it can prove detrimental when followed blindly. A high risk proposition.
There is a second category of people who fall in love but not instantly. They may know someone for long, in the form of an acquaintance or a friend. And slowly their friendship turns into love. Now, how important is beauty to these couples who gradually fall in love? Before responding to my own question, I would like to point out a major difference between ‘love at first sight’ and ‘steadily falling in love’ couples. Couples who belong to the first category would normally fall for a person with generally the same level of looks. A beautiful girl would seek a handsome guy and vice versa. Whereas in the other category, apart from looks there are many other qualities in a person, one is attracted to. How many times do we come across couples who may not be a match in terms of their external appearances, often labelled as ‘an odd couple’? Strange as it may sound and look, there is a strong reason behind this inequality. When you know someone for long, you don’t always fall in love with their looks. You get attracted by intrinsic worth of that person. It is very easy to get attracted to someone’s kind heartedness, warmth, humility, altruism, friendliness, smartness, maturity, sincerity, et al. And when such qualities account for the relationship progressing to the next stage of love, it’s an absolute mystic. Physical inequalities dissipate. When love is based on such wonderful individualities, it is certainly more permanent in nature. After all external beauty is short-lived and gets faded with time and age. But internal beauty is eternal. It stays with you forever.
Why fall in love at first sight, in a very short span of time and make the relationship short-lived too? It’s a gamble, a total shot in the dark. Do not plunge in haste and repent later. Please try to emulate the tortoise in the race and not the hare. Slow and steady certainly wins the race of love and life…
“Oh, I just cannot get along with my mother in law” – clichéd as it may sound, not getting along with one’s mother-in-law isn’t the only universal problem. There are innumerable people we don’t get along with.
What is the definition of ‘getting along’? It is an ability to deal freely and mostly naturally with all kinds of people. Why do some people beautifully get along with others while some don’t? There are certain people whom we may not genuinely vibe well with. But if these don’t outnumber the number of people we hit off well with, we are on the right track. Why is it so important to inculcate this art if it’s lacking in us?
There are so many associations, acquaintances and relationships we come across in our day to day life. From parents to siblings, friends to spouses and in-laws, children to people at work and domestic help to many more, it does become imperative to get along. The latest trend of hiring life coaches to help one gain this extremely important skill merely proves how essential this is. One shouldn’t underestimate its power. It certainly makes life really easy going and stress free. Any tension in any of these connections can make things flaky.
Is this an inherent trait or an art? Can it be acquired or developed? Well, if one is not born with this valuable attribute, one certainly can learn and condition oneself into using it.
What are those characteristics required to get along with people?
1. Non-judgmental – These people generally don’t complain and crib. They are relatively more open minded and don’t judge people. They religiously follow the philosophy ‘to err is human’. They are more realistic and realize that no one is perfect including themselves.
2. Amicable – Friendly, polite and warm, their approach is pleasant towards people in general. They don’t become bitter with individuals around them. They are seldom rude. Such people believe that a simple smile from or to a stranger doesn’t cost anything yet can prove invaluable in terms of feel good factor.
3. Adaptive – We come across people of different stripes every day. Adaptive people know how to easily adapt and gel well with all kinds of people. They tend to adjust and basically do not consider it to be a task to remain amiable with everyone.
4. Positive – There are pessimists and there are optimists. Studies show that people with a positive outlook towards life are better at getting along with people. They tend to focus and magnify the positives and minimize the negatives. This is the key to any successful relationship – intimate, friendly or casual. Again optimists are large hearted and their motto is ‘to forgive and forget’. Jealousy doesn’t come easily to them.
5. Good listener- Last but not the least, good listeners normally get along with people. They are patient, not over bearing and easy. They can think from other people’s perspective and can put themselves in others’ shoes. It’s a trait not many people possess.
These five characteristics are very simple to imbibe in order to get along with people. Are you easy to get along??? If not, throw your dart on this art and…….. Bingo!!!