Author Archives: Sagarika Shah

There’s something called the mental age and there’s something called the chronological age.  The human intelligence quotient is calculated on the basis of these two. Emotional quotient which was trailing behind the IQ has gained momentum in terms of its significance. There is enough evidence to prove how essential it is to be emotionally competent, especially in today’s stressful day and age, taking a toll on so many individuals who aren’t self-equipped to deal with it. How many times have we come across a young person looking older that he/she actually is? Or how many times do we run into people who never look their age. It is as if they live in a time machine, defying the rules of aging. “Oh, look at her, she doesn’t look like a mother of a 14 year old.” Maybe its the soap, maybe it’s the genes or it could be neither. There are so many factors that play a role in keeping fit, looking and feeling younger.

When people say, 30s is the new 20s and the 40s is the new 30s, are they trying to evade from their actual ages and therefore the reality? Do they resort to this theory to protect themselves from their own age bug they are bitten with? No, not at all!  Looking and staying younger as opposed to one’s actual age is humanly possible. With longevity increasing world over and with astronomical medical advancements, health of population on an average has significantly improved. People are not just getting conscious about maintaining their physical health, even the mental health is focussed upon. With the world yoga day round the corner, once just cannot deny the benefits of yoga to reverse the aging. It has been proved that regular practice of yoga can have magical effect on one’s body. Not to forget the benefits that follow in maintaining a balanced mind. What about people who are not into yoga?

Well, for them and everyone else, Its all about the mind. When we have our mind in control, we can control almost anything and everything. Human beings on an average have fifty to seventy thousand thoughts visiting their minds in day. For a balanced mind these thoughts would be a mix of good and bad, positive and negative, of course with the scales tilting more towards the positives.  Positivity has a great influence on our aging process. A positive mind can act as a magic wand for a healthy body, diminishing the effects of physiological changes related to age. In a nutshell, it all depends on one’s attitude. And to cultivate the right attitude, one needs the right approach to create the right frame of mind with the right thoughts. It really isn’t any rocket science to create a healthy mind. Condition your mind to indulge in selective thought processing, mind de-cluttering and positive thinking through meditation, yoga or any form of exercise.  One cannot stop the natural course of aging, but why not delay it if it’s in our control? Mind control is equal to age control…

“Anika, can you find me my tie, please, I am getting late for work.” Anika who was rushing to make breakfast for her husband, immediately joins him to find his tie. On reaching their bedroom, she notices everything from the cupboard has been rummaged and dropped on the floor in the process to find the tie. She opens a drawer, takes it out and gives it to him. Despite her irritation about the mess created in the room, she decides to keep quiet, not wanting to spoil her husband’s mood when leaving for work. She is again beckoned by him asking if the breakfast is ready. Once again she dashes to the kitchen and fetches him what was made. “Oh, I’ll rather eat something at work. This is not made according to my liking.” He gets up and leaves. Before Anika could register her husband’s discontentment, her daughter summons her to find her book.

This was a regular morning feature for Anika who lived with her fifteen year old daughter and husband of 20 years in Ahmedabad. Once the father and daughter left, Anika a stay-at-home mom would get busy with the household chores only to find some breather to read the newspaper later during the day. It used to be her stress buster. She would read for hours together thinking about the happenings and developments in the world. Somehow it took her away from her own reality.

Humdrum of daily routine got on her. She sensed something was missing in her life. Her wish list from the subconscious was suddenly out. And she now felt the urge to work towards her wish list, only to make her wonder why she couldn’t do it all these years. She realized her time was used only to complete the chores and run some errands for her home and family. There was no time for herself. How she wished for some ‘me time’!!!

Many women can identify with Anika and relate to her life story. It is a very common lifestyle of quite a few women. Salute to such women who dedicate their life to their husband, children and home. But, at what cost? If the trade-off is a sense of fulfilment at the end of serving one’s family, it is maybe worth it. But, in Anika’s case, the equation is different. The husband and daughter seem to have taken her for granted. She too has started feeling the void despite doing what she has been doing for years. With no financial strain, no physical abuse in her marriage and divine gift of motherhood, Anika’s situation would be ideal for many.

Well, Anika is very normal in feeling the way she does. Not that doing things for one’s family is something wrong. What is wrong is the fact that she is taken for granted and expected to do whatever she has been doing for years. Along with the basic needs, a woman has many secondary needs to be fulfilled. Appreciation is one of them. Taken for granted attitude corrodes any relationship. It is a basic human tendency to be liked, cared for, valued and respected. These small gestures can go a long way in making a relationship worthwhile. In Anika’s case, the biggest mistake she made was she forgot herself in the process of meeting her family’s needs. She forgot she too had needs. Respect yourself and others will follow – is the philosophy everyone should practise. Women, wish to be treated like a doormat and you will be, wish to be treated like a queen and you will be. The choice is yours…..

“Seeing is believing” doesn’t hold water for emotional abuse as it does for physical abuse. No (visible) mark, no problem, isn’t the reality. People tend to take emotional abuse much more lightly compared to physical abuse. Emotional abuse can be defined as a form of abuse characterised by a person subjecting or exposing another to a behaviour that may result in psychological trauma including anxiety, chronic depression or post stress disorder, consequences of which are devastating.

Not only are adults a victim of emotional abuse, unfortunately even children and teens are at times subjected to it. It goes through its own cycle especially in a relationship. The dominant partner abuses his/her partner. Instead of protesting, the submissive partner somehow starts feeling that he/she probably deserves it. This leads to low self-esteem resulting in a major personality disorder. While it is commonly believed that the woman is normally at the receiving end in a relationship, it is actually not true. Men too are subjected to it. Regardless of who is abused, partners who are nagging, jealous, over possessive, suspicious and into illogical splurging – just to name a few, can create mental turmoil beyond imagination. Screaming and shouting are other common forms of verbal abuse. Nonverbal forms of abuse include sudden silence, withdrawal and resentment towards everything like refusing to eat, not wanting to mingle with family, sulking and creating unpleasant atmosphere at home. If children are involved and are a witness to all this, it can be detrimental to their mental health and future relationships. Although the receiver generally tends to underplay it, it is extremely unhealthy to suffer silently. It can take a toll not just on one’s mental but physical health as well. Several ailments related to this kind of stress have been identified.

How does one deal with it? First and foremost, there should be acceptance of the fact that there is emotional abuse, followed by a strong need to address it and last but not the least to deal with it effectively.

Wounds caused by a physical abuse are temporary (minus the emotional scars), but the effects of an emotional abuse can never be healed or rather it takes a very long time to heal if addressed at the right time. With proper professional help and therapy, one can regain one’s lost self-confidence and self-esteem.

Life is too precious to take any abuse – physical or psychological.  Don’t take it for the sake of it or you will never make it to a better life awaiting you. Wake up and speak up!

Although this blog is being written, keeping Indian culture in view, I am sure there are many other cultures (particularly Asian) that still have husbands dominating marriages.

While the west continues to influence the world all over in ways more than one, there are still many things which can be imbibed positively. Instead of cloning only the fashions and styles, the language and the methods, why not focus on some aspects which can really turnaround a society for the better? Almost all marriages in the west are on an equal footing, which isn’t the case in our country most of the times (exceptional husbands are not targeted here). The normal practice of a husband considering his wife to be his inferior is very common, not confined to rural, but urban couples as well. It’s the wife who has to bear the brunt of all the house hold chores, especially if the husband is the bread winner of the family. She is expected to be at his beck and call, who ironically is supposed to ‘provide’ for the entire family. But it’s actually the wife who ends up ‘providing’ for everybody in terms of all their needs. This applies to a wife who is a career woman too. She has to walk the tight rope of work and marriage constantly.

Why is man always put on a pedestal? Gender disparity between a girl and a boy is ingrained right from childhood. Unfortunately, it’s the boy who is given all the privileges at home. And this disparity, rubs on his marriage too. He continues to feel superior and presumes he can get away with anything. Unfortunately the wife in most of the cases is also conditioned into believing and accepting the supremacy of the husband. It is a given that she has to comply by his rules. Inappropriately, the husband’s family keeps reiterating his role as the master of the family. Nothing can be more paradoxical than the parents of a son, who also have a daughter, continuing to daunt the daughter-in-law by their unreasonable means. They forget their daughter too could be subjected to such unfairness. Or maybe, they consider it normal for their daughter to live within the framework of an unfair marriage. Not to forget the mother in the mother-in-law who was once a daughter and a wife too.

Times are changing, but it’s still far from a fair and ideal society, wherein the man and the woman can grow equally in a marriage. We continue to be enamoured by the west. How beautifully a couple in the west share a balanced marriage with neither feeling superior nor inferior to the other. The husband never looks down upon helping his wife with all the chores. He is a ‘hands on’ father too, giving his wife a helping hand in looking after the children. If we can look up to the west for all kinds of materialistic pleasures and influences, why not try to adapt to their ways of parity?

We do have many husbands who are treading the same path in terms of treating their wives equally. But the statistic is too less to change the reality. Women have started asserting their right to equality leading to many broken marriages. Men have to realize that they are ordinary men and not supermen to enjoy a blissful family life. If not then the men should be contented with hiring a maid if not a slave to inflate their already bloated egos… Why do they need a wife?????????

“I love him, but I am not in love with him” or “I am extremely fond of her, but she is not my type”. “I like him a lot but…..”

Aren’t our ears used to hearing these every now and then? It’s very common, especially with today’s generation. It’s so easy for them to fall in love and fall out of love! The initial phase of romance fades away and so does the relationship. And soon it is time for another one. Or even with the same one, the complexion changes its tide with time.

How often have we seen couples expressing their infinite love for each other only to express their disdain later? Broken promises eroding the commitment?

Even with couples who have had a lasting relationship are wary of committing themselves into a marriage. They don’t mind ‘living in’ with their partner. But wouldn’t want to ‘live’ with them for ever. How bizarre is that!!

Why has it become increasingly difficult to take the relationship to the altar? Why has the term ‘love’ diluted its essence of binding two people together? Is it the set of responsibilities that go with it? Or is it a general fear to commit? Dipping intolerance levels could be a deterring factor too. Dashed hopes and dreams of some unrealistic goals can be the culprit. May be with rampant divorces in the offing, couples are slowly losing faith in the institution of marriage.

Are men more prone to being commitment phobics than women? Well, this was very much the scenario a few years ago, but today, women are equally sceptical about committing for life. Although both have reasons galore to justify their inability to commit, their reasoning may have very different logic. For men, it’s more of an intrusion on their personal space, for a working woman her financial independence is at stake with a marriage. A man may find it difficult to be bound by some rules at home, the woman may feel her individuality and freedom are threatened. So, a basketball match over the weekend may be substituted by another event taking priority. Lack of sleep and ‘me time’ may be compromised by the time taken to cook and some household chores to follow. It is difficult to draw a line between who feels what, but these are some common problems marking the reality of today.

Is it really difficult to get married and remain so? Why doesn’t the larger picture in a marriage supersede   these small issues, dictating the decisions of many? Can’t one get married and still enjoy what one did before or is it really a task to share the household chores so that neither is overburdened? Nothing can be more wonderful than living with a spouse you are in love with and enjoying the life’s little big treasures. Marriage is one of the most priceless and beautiful milestones in a person’s life. Why run away from it? Why seek intimacy without intricacy? Is it worth it???

Seven year itch is passé. What followed was a three year itch. Needless to say, that too is obsolete. As if the six month itch was not enough, the latest is a three month itch. Years have turned to months and do I dare say it can turn into weeks??? Well, I certainly hope not.

Why does a marriage have to be an eye opener for a relationship? Is it the familiarity, the taken for granted attitude or the demystification of too many facets in a marriage? Every relationship goes through a cycle of stages which become impossible to skip. Each stage comes with its own share of charm. Fundamentally, the relationship should keep growing with time. Why do couples find it difficult to feel the same way about a marriage as they once did? Changes in a relationship are inevitable. And surpassing certain stages in a marriage cycle unavoidable. Analogy of a plant suits this aspect the best. The more we nurture it, the better it grows. Physical love grows into emotional love over a period of time, public display of affections convert to silent communication patterns, meant to be understood only by the partners. Nothing can be more beautiful that growing with your partner not just chronologically but also as a person. Mentally stimulating marriages are a product of long years of togetherness.

Why not make the institution of marriage itch free and convert blissful days into weeks and months of romance, to years of love and affection? Accept, agree and act, young couples of today!!!!! Make your marriage the envy of the world.

Studies say that most of the couples on the verge of a divorce are compelled to hold back because of their children. Children tend to be severely affected by a broken relationship of their parents. Especially if they are at an impressionable age it becomes even harder for them to accept the change. Well, this is true to an extent, but it is something which has got more to do with the parents’ mind-set than being actually affected by it. People are conditioned into believing that children can have a scarred childhood if they experience a broken home. Not that this is not completely true, but the views are changing. The reality is changing.

Being a witness to everyday conflicts at home, can have a very long lasting negative influence on children. Parents need to realize that divorce or separation can be inevitable not just for them as a couple, but also for the children. Wellbeing of the family can be at stake in an irreconcilable marriage. Bringing up a child in a peaceful environment at home is extremely important for the overall growth and development of a child.

Child psychologists and counsellors can help children cope with any unwanted change in their life due to an untoward event. Adjusting to a new environment can be challenging. Rendering proper support to cope and adjust to a new setting can easily help children go through a smooth transition.

Professional help is often underestimated in such cases. But in fact, statistics prove that children with a counselling session history tend to do much better – emotionally and physically than children who are left to fend for themselves, literally and metaphorically as well…

Debates on whether a divorce is the correct solution to a marital problem has been on for a long time. Usually an average, educated, common urban person going through a turmoil in one’s marriage will tend to side with divorce and the so called fringe benefits. As much as it is dependent upon the nature of the conflict in a marriage, it has been proved that a lot of marriages can be salvaged with the correct approach towards making it work. Of course, there are exceptional marriages which are better off being called off then worked on. But those would include only a minuscule percent of the population.

Conflict resolution techniques and acquisition of necessary skillsets to deal with a difficult marriage can certainly act as a magical wand. Different techniques of conflict resolution is something which would require seeking professional expertise, but the required skillsets is something which can certainly be imbibed by couples with a positive frame of mind. ‘Where there’s a will, there’s a way’ just cannot go wrong here. If a couple decides to remain married and committed to a lifelong relationship, there are ways innumerable to make it work. Failure to acquire the relevant skills for a marriage should not lead to dejection. There are very many skills which work differently for different people. Universal skills being the same, there are certain characteristics which can be identified better by an expert dealing with relationship issues. Common skills ranging from maturity – emotional and financial to effective communication in married couples to slightly complex ones like emotional equilibrium, cultural balancing, realistic goal setting etc. can be an elixir in most of the cases.

Seeing a relationship expert is no longer a taboo especially in Asian countries . People are following the west not just in terms of having fragile marriages but also in terms of making it work through counsellors and relationship therapists. More and more people are seeking professional advice on numerous life challenging situations. Marriage counselling is just one of them. If couples continue living in a marriage based on what made them get into a it in the first place, can definitely play a pivotal role in helping it last for ever. But then nothing lasts for ever, so why not make the most while it lasts…..

The age old adage ‘blood is thicker than water’ doesn not hold true as it once did. Its meaning and form have indeed diluted.
This merely proves how the complexion of relationships have changed over a period of time. Regardless of whether a
relationship is blood or otherwise, it goes through its own course of ups and downs, highs and lows, sweetness and bitterness, so on and so forth.

The term ‘relationships’ can have so many connotations. Relationships can be infinite. And it has become increasingly difficult to nurture our own relationships.Partners dont get along with each other despite being in a relationship, married couples find it hard to remain committed, siblings can’t see eye to eye,parents and children have problems with one another, friendships dont last as it once used to. Whom do we blame for this change?
As much as people play the blame game, nitpick on others and hold them responsible for their troubled relationships, no one actually blames him/herself
to the cause of the failure.

Have you ever realized that people seldom have problems at their work place? Despite the differences, cordial relations are usually maintained.
The primary reason for this is that we are often trained to behave in a particular fashion in an organization. There are so many human resource theories
endorsing the same. As a thumbrule, it becomes imperative to get along at work.Students of management and organizational behaviour are imparted
specialized training to become ‘people friendly’. Now, the question is, why can’t the same be applied to our personal relationships? If individuals
are taught the techniques to deal effectively with their relationships, the rate and frequency of conflicts would go down drastically. People will be able
to handle their relationships beautifully. Differences are inevitable. But with proper training and insight, it can become a second nature to cope, adjust
and adapt to the changing cycle of a relationship.

Since there is no formal training available to deal with one’s personal relationships, help can be sought through a qualified psychologist or a counselor.
Often people resort to psychiatrists and clinical psychologists for their personal issues. A big misconception of people is at play here. First and foremost
they don’t realize the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist. A psychiatrist is a person with a background in medicine. A psychologist is
a qualified person who studies the human behaviour. The field of psychology is vast and its scope wide. A clinical psychologist can only help in a limited
way. Since the nature of relationships can not always be treated in a clinical way, it becomes very essential to get help from a person specialized in
relationships, life coaching, mentoring etc.

The stigma attached to people seeing a psychiatrist or a psychologist has waned like in the West. More and more people are becoming aware of their
mental/behavioural problems at hand. A society with people who are not just physically healthy, but also mentally fit can work wonders for their
overall growth and betterment. Relationships have an intrinsic role to play in this. Happy and fulfilling relationships can have a cascading effect
on all the other aspects of our life. Hence the importance and relevance of relationships should never be undermined. Although people tend to
underestimate the significance of a healthy relationship, there are a lot of principles which postulate the substance of a wholesome relationship.

Any relationship, big or small, close or distant has its share of benefits to our self worth.