The D word in a marriage is always synonymous with depression, stress, coping etc. A phenomenon perceived as one of the most traumatic experiences of one’s life, may not be so disturbing once the dust settles. Nobody enters a marriage, thinking they would end up with a breakup. The person one dreams of spending the rest of one’s life with, is no longer going to stay together. The vacuum it creates may trigger feelings of worthlessness, frustration, financial crunch and so much more. The pain because of an impending or post-divorce can be deep, leaving one feel devastated and shattered. While this holds true for most of the divorces, there are ‘good’ divorces’ too. It may sound paradoxical, but with changing times, divorce trends are changing too.
It is not etched in stone that the process of divorce must be distressing. It can be a pleasant experience if one consciously decides to tread that path with an open mind and heart. But thanks to the wrongly conditioned mindsets of people, this practice is not very prevalent. People lack the basic ability to objectively look at their relationships. The reality check on their marriage – the acceptance that something is wrong beyond repair and that divorce is the only way forward is seldom realized. More out of a deliberate attempt to deny the truth. When couples accept the state of their marriage, it becomes easier to deal with the inevitable.
If the process of a legal breakup starts on a negative wicket, what follows will only get more bitter. It is not about two individuals uncoupling, it’s also about the other family members involved and affected. This warrants the need for a pleasant and friendly split. Also with child/children custody battles and alimony/maintenance issues encompassing the enmeshed relationship, it is very important to part ways in a way that can resolve sensitive issues amicably. Just because one couldn’t get along with one’s partner, doesn’t make him/her a bad individual or a human being and certainly not one’s enemy. It’s all about not wasting one’s precious life in an unhappy relationship. Psychology proves that no matter what, if one doesn’t feed the feelings of resentment and contempt generated from a relationship gone sour, negative feelings are never multiplied. The psychological barrier of hatred and blame is thus unshackled.
Lessons in divorce, rather a ‘good’ divorce can be plenty. One just needs to focus on the brighter side. So many of my clients have been able to find themselves, realized their strengths and potential and discovered the joy of peace and freedom. If it can’t be a ‘win-win’ situation, it can at least be – ‘you gain some, you lose some.’ If couples resolve to work through it together, it can culminate into a beautiful new found equation. As someone very rightly said, “resolve and thou art free”.
Last but not the least, forgiveness is always a choice. The choice to forgive yourself or your partner. If one leaves one’s wounded or fragile ego, hurt and pride aside, the other side of forgiveness can be immensely blissful and liberating. And it’s not about the other person. It’s about you washing away the remnants of the past. For divorce, may be the end, but also a new beginning and you don’t want to keep living in the past.